The Power of Marriage

Well, good morning, everyone. If you've just joined us, last week we kicked off this new series on what the Bible teaches about marriage.

That's because marriage is a major theme that runs throughout the Bible.

As we saw last week, the Bible begins with God officiating the first marriage between Adam and Eve, the first two people,

and it ends with the great marriage feast of the Lamb where it is the eternal coming together of Jesus and his church.

And so marriage, as I said last week, is connected to all of God's purposes for history.

And that God invented marriage between a man and a woman to display those purposes in history, God's eternal salvation purposes.

And so our text throughout the whole term is Ephesians 21 to 33.

It's the longest, most famous and most controversial passage in the Bible on marriage.

And so we're working through it bit by bit, unpacking it bit by bit.

And the controversial parts draw our attention so much in such a way that we often miss the real meaning of the whole paragraph,

and particularly the peak verses, the verses that put all of this instruction into their context, verses 31 and 32.

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

This is a profound mystery.

But I'm talking about Christ and the church.

The profound mystery of marriage is when God invented marriage at the beginning of creation,

he already had the saving work of Jesus Christ in mind.

God, in other words, he designed marriage between a man and a woman to be a picture, if you like, of that greater, more important reality.

And so the question is, how well do our marriages portray the magnificence of Jesus and the gospel and the great wedding feast of the Lamb?

In case you're still wondering about the answer to that question, not perfectly is the answer to that.

Not perfectly.

That's reality though, isn't it?

The larger and more complex and more majestic an object is, the more difficult it is, almost impossible it is, to represent that thing very well.

For instance, no single photograph from my iPhone could possibly display the grandeur of the Great Barrier Reef.

But the reason I take a photo of it is because when I'm there experiencing it, I'm moved by it.

There's a sense of awe associated with it.

And so I take the photo because I want to recall that awe moment.

I want to remember the magnificence of it.

And so Christian marriage, therefore, should seek to be clearer and clearer picture of the majesty of the gospel.

Because one of the purposes of marriage is, in fact, the transformation of a couple into the image of Christ.

And we'll pick that up down in the coming weeks.

But the main reason our display of the majesty of the gospel is so blurred is because all of us are broken by sin and we are profoundly self-centered.

And so self-centeredness is the main havoc-wreaking problem in marriage.

In fact, in all relationships, but in marriage and the ever-present enemy of every marriage.

And so that's our topic today as we look at that.

So if you've got the St. Paul's app, got three points there for us today as we journey through just a couple of, really just one verse we're focusing on.

So the problem of self-centeredness.

The main problem of all marriages and relationships generally is the radical self-centeredness of the human heart.

C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity that self-centeredness, which is what he referred to in the particular chapter of the great sin as pride or conceit, self-conceit he referred to it as.

He says,

That his self-centeredness by its very character means a person is blind to their own while being hypersensitive and offended and angered by that of others.

And the result is always a downward spiral into self-pity, into anger, despair, self-righteousness as the relationship gets eaten away to nothing.

Self-centeredness has been described as the cancer in the center of a marriage when it begins and it has to be dealt with from the start.

Now the classic text which you'll hear at many wedding ceremonies and which I've been asked to preach on a number of times is 1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 to 5.

1 Corinthians 13:4–5

I remember going to, it's so famous in fact, that I went to a wedding, attended a wedding for a non-Christian couple who didn't want me to do the wedding.

An extended family didn't want me to do the wedding because they didn't want anything too religious.

They've got a civil settlement out in the garden.

The civil settlement in the service said,

Just some advice for you.

I want to read to you a poem.

Not sure where it comes from or the origin of it, but it's just beautiful words.

Let me read them to you.

Love is patient and kind.

It does not envy.

It does not boast.

It is not proud.

It is not rude.

It is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

And people, oh, you have beautiful words.

1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 and 5.

1 Corinthians 13:4

What Paul does here, he shows that love is an action.

It's not a sentiment.

It's not sentimental.

It's an action.

Love is action that is the very opposite of self-seeking, of self-centeredness.

Love is pursuing one's own welfare before those of others.

Look at that, right?

You know what I mean.

Self-centeredness is easily seen through this list in impatience, in irritability.

A lack of graciousness and kindness in speech.

Envious brooding on the better circumstances of other people and holding past injuries and

hurts against others.

And so how easily do these traits appear in marriage?

The ability to give yourself to another person for their good.

The ability to serve another person's interest over your own.

The ability to submit your own concerns for the good of someone else.

The ability to defer your desires to help another realize their desires is not instinctive, is it?

It seems there's nothing more unnatural, in fact, than selflessness and humility.

When I was a new pastor, and Nat and I had been married just for a couple of years.

She's not here this morning, so you'll get my version of this.

We've been married for a couple of years, and we were preaching a series in 1 Corinthians at the time in the church,

and I got 1 Corinthians 13.

And so I'd been working on the sermon throughout the week, thinking about working really hard at

And, you know, love is patient and kind, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And on the Saturday, I was writing the sermon, and I just need a final illustration.

I just need to finish it off.

But I was confident I had it all wrapped up, right?

The sermon, and so I had to communicate this really well, you know, to the church.

And it was late in the afternoon, so I decided to take a break, and I was going to go and cut the grass

While I thought over 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind, how do I illustrate this, the final thing?

And I was almost over, finished cutting the grass, and Nat said to me, she's just ducking out to catch up with a friend.

She'll be back in about an hour and a half.

Yeah, not a problem, no worries.

Soon after that, Nat departed.

I finished off cutting the grass, and I went to go inside, and the door was locked.

The entire house was locked.

And, I mean, I couldn't believe it.

I mean, why would you do that?

Why?

It made sense at all.

Of course, that's the point.

It doesn't make any sense.

And while, you know, the unhelpful stuff was rising, 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrong.

Okay.

Okay, so do a little bit more gardening.

You know, I'll catch up a little bit more gardening.

And while I think about 1 Corinthians 13 and put it into practice, so I did a little bit more gardening.

One and a half hours became two and a half hours.

It was winter, and the sun went down, and I was now cold.

And, you know, what is patience in the end?

What does it mean to be kind?

Two and a half hours became three hours, and I decided that rather than sit here and stew in the darkness and shiver, I thought that I will get up and I will busy myself around the garden and continue thinking about 1 Corinthians 13, and I'll water the grass.

I mean, there's a soothing exercise.

So I hooked up the hose, turn the tap on, boom, and the hose burst, and I was now covered in water.

So it's dark.

It is cold.

It's winter.

I am now wet.

But love is, what was it about love?

What are the parameters about keeping no records of wrong here?

You know, like, I was wet, I was freezing, I was shivering, and I was fuming.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love keeps no, keeps mostly not records of wrong.

Four hours later, it was totally dark, and then I heard the car arrive home, and then, by God, amazingly, my fuming went really calm.

I just, you know, I was so cold, and instead of taking the opportunity to whip around and jump straight into the shower,

I decided it would, in fact, be more beneficial for me if I waited just a little bit longer.

I waited for four hours, and now there's an opportunity to milk this for all it's worth.

Nat turned on the lights in the house.

I could hear her calling out, you know, where are you?

It wasn't that big of a house, really.

She searched the house.

Eventually, she unlocked the back door, turned on the patio light, and here I was sitting in the darkness, out there in the freezing cold.

And her first words to me were, why are you sitting out in the dark?

It's a bit cold for that, isn't it?

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

And so I calmly, because I wanted to milk it, walked past her and said, think back to when you opened the door and how you needed to get out here.

Walked into the shower.

When I came out of the shower, she said, I locked you out.

Yes, you did.

Now, the reason I was able to stay calm in that moment was not because of love, but it's because that opportunity provided me with everything I needed for my own benefit in some way or another.

I was able to milk it, manipulate it.

And that's often what happens in our relationships.

In most cases, we marry a person because we really like them.

It doesn't take long, and you start to notice how self-centred they actually are.

But it happens at exactly the same time, and they start to notice how self-centred you are.

And then the third thing happens at exactly the same time is that you start to notice that their self-centredness is, in fact, far worse than yours.

It's inevitable.

What do you do then in that moment?

One thing that can happen is that you, which often happens, is that you form an emotional distance.

You put a self-protective layer around yourself, and the distance starts, grows between you and your spouse.

It's almost like, as a couple, you subconsciously sign a new covenant agreement.

If you don't talk about my issues, I won't raise your issues.

And it's like, we're happy to coexist as North Korea and South Korea as long as we don't cross into the demilitarisation zone.

And on the surface, we look like a happy couple, because we're together, for goodness sake.

And we don't argue, because we've chosen not to over certain issues that really matter to us.

We have a comfortable stalemate, but the emotional connection is forced.

You know, there's a photo.

Get together as a couple of you.

It's like the anniversary celebration.

There's a forced and an uncomfortableness.

In his book, The Marriage Builder, the late Christian psychologist, Dr. Larry Crabb, put it like this.

So protective layers are designed to prevent the rejection from getting inside to where we feel the hurt.

A variety of behaviours can function for us as protective layers.

An unwillingness to share deep feelings.

Responding with anger when real feelings are hurt.

Changing the subject when the conversation begins to be threatening about my own sense of rejection, that is.

Turning up, clamming up, sorry, turning off, clamming up, or other manoeuvres designed to avoid rejection or criticism.

Keeping oneself so busy with work and social engagements and entertainment and church activities,

or endless chatter that no deep sharing is possible.

Of course, the alternative, which is what we're given here in Ephesians 5, verse 21,

Ephesians 5:21

is seeing that my self-centredness is more profound.

It is more serious and more important to deal with than my spouse's.

I will treat my self-centredness, as it's reported to me,

as being the crucial thing to address, regardless of what the other person is doing.

Or even how they communicate it to me.

You see, when two people do that together, there is a possibility of not just a marriage,

but of a great marriage.

And when two people see that the main problem in their marriage is themself,

their own self-centredness, and they're working together through that,

then it will be a great marriage.

And so there's two possibilities.

And the two possibilities are either of you see the self-centredness,

or that is the two possibilities.

Either of you see the self-centredness in the other,

or both of you see the self-centredness in yourself.

The third possibility is that only one of you sees the self-centredness.

But the other doesn't.

In other words, you can still have a great marriage,

even if your working on your self-centredness is not reciprocated.

You see, in this scenario, if you're truly concerned about your self-centredness,

and you're working on it,

over time, it slowly, bit by bit, starts to soften your spouse.

It becomes easier for them to admit their faults and their flaws.

Because you are not constantly bringing them up.

And when you do bring them up,

you aren't doing it in a way to crush them, to condemn them.

So that brings me to our second point of confronting our own self-centredness.

You see, the only way to deal with the relational cancer of it

is to confront our own self-centredness,

not the other person's self-centredness.

The introductory, Ephesians 5.21,

this introductory statement for Paul's famous paragraph on marriage

is submit to one another.

Now, in the English translations of this,

verse 21 is normally not just its own sentence,

but it's also a brand new paragraph.

It begins a brand new paragraph on marriage.

But in the original language, in the Greek New Testament,

verse 21 is, in fact, the last clause in a long previous sentence

in which Paul describes the several, several marks of a person

who is filled with the spirit of a Christian person.

And this last clause, verse 21, is the connector to the application of that

in what follows in this section of marriage and parenting

and in the work environment.

It's the hinge, if you like, in connecting these two great paragraphs.

And so, in other words, what he's saying here is the last mark of being a Christian

and filled with God's spirit is, in fact, a loss of pride

and surrendering of the self-will that leads a person

to humbly serve the interests of others.

It is so unnatural that inevitably we will wonder what we get out of it

if I'm putting the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own.

That's our natural reaction here.

If I put their happiness ahead of mine, what do I get out of it?

And the biblical answer to that is happiness, is what you get out of it.

Happiness through serving others instead of using them.

It is the joy that comes from giving joy.

Now, that is a concept that, as I talked about last week,

our modern culture, the me marriage,

finds so foreign and so oppressive, dangerous even.

And yet this is not just the Christian view of marriage.

This is the Christian theology of relationships,

all relationships.

Because it is the very nature of ultimate reality.

You see, the Bible reveals God as triune.

I talked about this last week.

That is, he's three persons within one God.

One God.

Triunity of God, the Trinity.

Now, I'm reading other passages in the Bible about this.

John 17 teaches that for all of eternity, before anything was made,

each person of the Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

has glorified, has honoured, and has loved the other two members of the Trinity.

I used the word last week, perichoresis.

It's the mutual indwelling.

I exist for the other two.

I exist for their glory, for their honouring, for their love.

That is ultimate reality from which everything material is being created from,

for, from that.

And the representation of that, the very nature of God,

the very being of God, is other person-centredness.

That's ultimate reality.

They served and loved one another for their joy.

Forever.

And so when Christ Jesus died on the cross for our sin,

he was acting within the very nature of God.

Self-sacrifice is who he is.

It's the very essence of God.

And humanity was made in that image.

We were created to worship and live for God's glory,

to do what God has done amongst himself forever for his joy.

And we were meant to do that, and also for others, not for our own.

And so whenever we put our happiness ahead of obedience to God,

or we, in that moment, what we're doing is we are violating our very own nature,

our very essence,

and we become ultimately miserable.

We work against our joy.

You see, Jesus restates this principle when he says in Matthew 16,

whoever wants to save his life will lose it,

but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

He's saying if you seek happiness more than you seek me,

you'll have neither.

You'll have neither me nor happiness.

If you seek to serve me more than you serve your happiness,

you'll get both.

You get me and your happiness.

And Paul applies this principle to marriage.

Seek to serve one another rather than to be happy,

and you will find a new and a deeper happiness.

And it's possible to discover this profound mystery

because marriage is instituted by God.

It was established by God for whom self-giving love

is the very essence of who he is,

and therefore it reflects his nature,

and particularly in the person and work of Jesus Christ.

So when we read the rest of Ephesians 5,

everything that it says, where our heart goes,

hang on a bit, let me just qualify that,

and I can't wait that Steve does,

all of it is put in the context of ultimate reality.

All of it is put in the context of verse 21.

It is only from this Holy Spirit-empowered,

humble submission for the good of others

that Paul then moves into relationships

with wives and husbands, parents and kids,

employer, employee, all of it.

Now we're going to unpack this in coming weeks,

but in verses 22 to 24, Paul writes,

the wife should submit to their husbands.

Immediately in verse 25, he tells husbands

to love their wives as Christ loved the church

and gave himself up for her.

He does the same at the end of the section in verse 33.

And so verse 25 and verse 33,

for husbands, if anything, is a stronger appeal

to abandon self-interest

than was in fact given to the wife.

You see, what we will discover

is that each of these exaltations

have a distinct shape about them.

They're not identical tasks.

And yet each partner is called to sacrifice

for the other in far-reaching ways

because it's the very essence of who God is.

Because the Father's not the Son

and the Son's not the Spirit

and the Spirit's not the Father or the Son

and so on and so forth.

And so whether we are a husband or a wife,

we are not to live for ourselves,

but we live for the other.

This is the hardest

and yet single most important function

of being husband and wife in a marriage.

As I said last week,

the Bible does not present marriage

as a choice between personal fulfilment

as per the new me-marriage version

of our modern era

on the one hand

or sacrifice for the good

of family and society.

On the other hand,

as per traditional cultures,

the biblical Christianity

sees marriage

as mutual fulfilment

through mutual sacrifice.

And it's different

for both

in the way that's played out.

And this principle flows

into every Christian relationship.

But to practise these principles

inside a marriage

is to practise them in such,

in the most intense way possible.

If two spouses

are spending a day together,

the question of who gets

each other's pleasure,

so who gets

to make the choice

of pursuing their pleasure

and who gives in

in this moment

happens

all the time,

which is probably why

so many spouses

don't want to spend

too much time together.

Who, you know,

it's like the,

you know,

the view here is not,

you know,

I don't hear the old story

of two Christians

trying to, you know,

force their way

through one door

and one says,

after you.

No, no, no,

after you.

No, after you.

No, no, after you.

And so no one goes anywhere.

I mean, you know,

we're going to unpack

this a little bit later.

I mean,

it doesn't work like that.

But who gets

to go through the door first?

There's three possibilities.

You can offer

to serve the other

with joy.

You can make

the offer to serve them

with coldness

and resentment

and hoping to manipulate it

and use it later on

down the track.

or you can selfishly

insist

on your own way.

That's what it comes down to.

Only when both partners

are regularly responding

to one another

in the first way,

serving each other

with joy,

can a marriage thrive.

And yet,

how hard that is.

because each person

needs to confront

their own self-centeredness

and stop making excuses

for selfishness

and deal with it

regardless

of what your spouse

is doing.

if two spouses

each say,

I'm going to treat

my,

and when I say

treat it,

I mean

really feel it,

really be aware

of it,

that my self-centeredness

is in fact

the main problem

in this marriage.

You have the prospect

of a truly great marriage.

marriage.

And even,

can I say to you,

if this is you right now,

you're in a marriage relationship

where you have failed

in some kind of way

and you're aware

of your failure

and your spouse

is reminding you

of your failure,

can I say,

work on your self-centeredness

and the spouse

who's constantly

reminding the other

of their failure,

can I say to you,

be more consciously

aware of your own

self-centeredness

than your spouse's

obvious self-centeredness.

So where do we get

the power

and the security

and the confidence

to take that step?

This is my last point.

Verse 21 again,

Paul says,

there's one last bit

which I haven't mentioned

in that verse,

submit to one another

out of reverence

for Christ.

The word reverence

there literally

means

fear.

Submit to one another

out of fear

for Christ.

Now the word fear,

when we hear that,

it says,

ooh,

hang on a bit,

that doesn't sound

very pleasant.

you know,

because,

you know,

the idea is dread

and fright

and, you know,

it's a horrible feeling.

But in the Bible,

it is,

the word fear

is much broader

than that,

much broader.

In the Old Testament,

the fear of the Lord

is a very common statement

and the Hebrew word

in that context

carries the idea

of a respect,

an awe,

a wonder.

and in its strongest sense,

the fear of the Lord

in its strongest sense

means that I am

overwhelmed by something.

I'm not cowering,

I'm overwhelmed

by something.

I'm controlled

by something.

And the fear of the Lord

in the Old Testament

is to be overwhelmed

with wonder

before the greatness

of God

and his love.

And so Exodus

says,

fear the Lord

so you don't have

to fear the Lord.

What do you mean by that?

It's be overwhelmed

by his greatness

and his majesty

and his love

and his covenant

with you.

Be overwhelmed

by that.

Don't take that

for granted

because if you do

take that for granted,

you will at some point

in the future

be cowering

in his presence.

His,

be overwhelmed

by his bright holiness

and magnificent love

means that you find him

fearfully beautiful,

wonderful,

awesome

in the truest sense.

You see,

that's why

the more we experience

God's grace

and forgiveness

in Jesus Christ,

the more we experience

a sense

of a trembling awe

and wonder

before the greatness

of all that,

who he is

and what he's done

for us in Christ.

The deeper you go

into it,

the greater the sense

of majesty

the gospel is.

Romans 5,

Romans 5:6–8

verses 6 to 8

tells us

the cost of God's

love for us.

When we were still

powerless,

Christ died

for the ungodly.

God demonstrates

his own love

for us in this.

While we were still

sinners,

Christ died

for us.

And so for the spouse,

holding past

hurts against

their spouse,

the way we deal

with our self-centeredness

is to realize

before the majesty

of God,

I am worthy

of death.

I'm an ungodly

sinner.

You see,

one verse,

and yet,

one verse

before this,

we are told

the Holy Spirit,

the work of the Holy Spirit,

is to pull

the reality

of God's love

into our hearts

in such a way

that it fills up

this hole

that is in us.

It's the thing

that deals

with the rejection

that we feel,

the hurts,

the past hurts,

the weariness,

the protective layer

that we put

around our hearts,

and it transforms us

into the image

of Jesus

and gives us hope

when life

is difficult

and marriage

is hard.

God's love

has been poured

out into our hearts

through the Holy Spirit

who's given to us.

You see,

when we understand

this,

we can now see

why Paul introduces

the subject

of marriage

with a summons

to love each other,

to submit

to each other

out of fear

of Christ.

because every single

one of us

come into

these relationships

driven by all kinds

of fears

and all kinds

of desires

and all kinds

of needs.

And if we think,

which is often

the,

we do,

and particularly

around the looking

for the perfect partner

in the new

marriage movement,

we come into marriage

thinking that marriage

is going to correct

our broken hearts

to fill up

the disorder

of our hearts.

Inevitably,

we're using

a spouse

to meet my needs.

We're not serving

them at all.

Only the love

of God

displayed in the death

of the Lord Jesus Christ

for our forgiveness

being poured

into our hearts

through the Holy Spirit

can fill up

our need

for love

and acceptance

and approval.

I become a whole person

in Christ.

I'm safe

in him

which allows me

to cross

the demilitarization

zone

towards my spouse

and love them.

It's only Jesus

who takes away

that

self-preservation

protective layer

from my heart.

You see,

that means

that when

how does that happen?

We need to be

so immersed

in his teaching

in his example

and his sacrifice

that those things

what Christ

has done for me

what who I am

in him

the gospel

dominate my

inner life

capture my

imagination

and simply

bubble out

spontaneously

when we are

faced with

some kind

of challenge.

You see,

my problem

all those years

ago

with 1 Corinthians

13

was I was

looking to

preach it

not looking

to apply it.

Looking to

preach it

not apply it.

when we receive

it means

when we receive

criticism

as you would

expect to

as a flawed

human being

that criticism

will never crush us

because deep

down inside of us

we know that

Jesus knows

every single

one of my

flaws

he knows

every single

one of my

failings

he knows

every dark

corner of my

existence

and my life

he knows

it right

down to

the depths

of its

darkness

and its

evil

in a way

that my

spouse

doesn't even

know

and yet

he still

went to

the cross

and died

for me

and he

still loves

me

and he

still

accepted

me

completely

there's

my safety

it also

means that

when we

give

criticism

to our

spouse

we will

do so

with

a gentleness

and a

patience

because

our

whole

inner

world

will be

saturated

with

the

sense

of

Jesus

love

and

patience

and

gentleness

with me

I would

be able

to give

the

criticism

with

patience

and kindness

and love

and mercy

and tenderness

because I'm

not reliant

upon my

spouse

to change

to make

me feel

better

now of

course this

doesn't

mean

that every

time we're

criticised

our

immediate

response

deep

within our

hearts

is

calmness

and peace

and

Jesus

loves me

this I

know

for the

Bible

tells me

so

inevitably

before the

brain

kicks in

adrenaline

does

and the

fight

or the

flight

one

kicks in

as a

response

but deep

down inside

the person

and work

of Jesus

will ultimately

bring your

strength

strength

we go

there

and he

will lift

us up

and it

takes

years

and years

and years

of reflection

it requires

disciplined

prayer

it requires

the study

of God's

word

because the

Holy Spirit

brings the

word of God

of the gospel

into our

hearts

Bible study

reading

it takes

innumerable

conversations

with friends

and other

Christians

to gain

a greater

perspective

on ourselves

it takes

dynamic

congregational

worship

it takes

all sorts

of things

but gradually

bit by bit

when we

see ourselves

more and more

through the

eyes of the

gospel

we also see

others

through the

eyes of the

gospel

when the

gospel

the word

of God

dwells in

our hearts

richly

as Colossians

3 says

we find

the power

to serve

we find

the power

to give

and to take

criticism

well

to not

expect

our spouse

or our

marriage

to meet

our needs

and to

heal up

all of

our hurts

the love

of God

as displayed

through the

sacrificial death

of Jesus

Christ

for our

forgiveness

for our

acceptance

being poured

constantly

into the

center of

our hearts

through the

Holy Spirit

through the

word of God

by the

word of

God

is the

power

every

marriage

needs

to

flourish

to

finish

to

finish

to

finish

!

to

finish