The Meaning of Marriage

He's my sunshine in the morning.

He's my fireworks at the end of the day.

He's the warmest chord I ever heard.

! Play that warm chord, play and stay, baby.

We don't need no piece of paper from the City Hall,

keeping us tied and true.

There's some of the lyrics from the song My Old Man,

released in 1971 in the album Blue by Johnny Mitchell.

The song was written by her very soon after her divorce

of her first marriage.

And the song was written about her new partner

living together in California, a guy named Graham Nash,

another musician.

And the song reflects their choice as a couple

to live together, bound together by a strong,

emotional passion and love for one another, connection,

rather than being bound together through legal marriage.

And so the words, we don't need a piece of paper

from City Hall to keep us together and true.

In other words, to keep our romance true.

And so that relationship lasted less than two years.

And she's famous for the multiple, multiple relationships

she had and failed relationships.

So if you've just joined us, we're partway through,

as Asha said, this series on what the Bible teaches

about marriage.

It's for everyone, whether you're married or whether you're not.

Ephesians 5, 21 to 33 is our text that we're using

throughout the term.

It's the longest, most famous, and most controversial passage

in the Bible about marriage.

What we've seen so far in the first two,

and we're building and building and building

throughout the course of this series,

is that the institution of marriage was invented by God

to be a picture to represent, if you like,

the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church.

And so there are things about the gospel,

things about the good news of Jesus Christ

that we would not know without the human institution,

the institution of marriage.

And there are things we would not know about marriage

were it not for the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.

That was the first week, and then we saw last week

that fundamentally that self-centeredness is the main problem

in every marriage and why we need the power of God's Spirit

in order to be selfless and how being selfless,

actually living a life of selflessness,

is in fact in line with God's design for humanity

because it reflects ultimate reality in God

and who God is, and we're being made in his image.

And so while selflessness feels entirely unnatural,

it's because of sin.

And so we're building on those two,

and we're now unpacking today

what therefore is the meaning of marriage

according to the Bible.

And so there's the three points.

It's on the St. Paul's app if you've got the app

and you can take some notes as you cruise along.

So first of all, marriage, law or love.

The biblical meaning of marriage, verse 31,

it's in there.

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother

and be united to his wife,

and the two will become one flesh.

Now Paul is quoting there Genesis 2.24,

which we saw in the first message in this series.

It's the first ever marriage ceremony,

and it's officiated by God.

God brings the man and the woman together,

he officiates the coming together in marriage.

And the meaning of marriage,

from a biblical perspective,

is captured in that term,

united to his wife.

united to his wife.

Now that's a modern translation, if you like,

a version of a much more of an archaic English term,

but the archaic English term is much stronger

than united to his wife,

and it's much closer to what the Hebrew verb is

in Genesis 2.

It's the word cleaving.

Cleaving.

A man will cleave to his wife.

And so the Hebrew verb literally means

to be glued to something.

To be glued to something.

Elsewhere in the Bible,

the word cleave means to unite to someone

through a covenant.

And a covenant, in biblical terms,

a covenant is a public,

binding, legal contract between two parties.

And the Bible defines marriage

as a covenant relationship.

A binding, legal, public contract

between two parties.

And every Old Testament covenant

has four elements to it.

Firstly, the parties associated with the covenant

are identified.

Secondly, the stipulations of the covenant

are stated.

What are the ground rules, if you like?

Every contract has a set of conditions,

obligations, duties, and regulations

between the parties.

The third thing is,

there's a list of blessings and curses

depending on your faithfulness or unfaithfulness

to those duties and obligations and regulations.

And fourthly, there are public vows,

declarations, and signs given to each other

as signs of commitment.

And so, in various ways,

the parties would publicly agree to the covenant

in front of witnesses,

and then they would do things like exchange vows,

sorry, exchange sandals,

or something like that.

You know?

One of the main ways that covenants happen in the Bible,

particularly covenants with God and people,

were that there were sacrifices were made.

You know?

Animals were cut in half,

and they'd walk between the two animals,

that sort of stuff.

It's a little extreme nowadays,

and a little bit messy for wedding ceremonies.

Too much white, too much carpet,

that sort of stuff.

And so, we've gone for rings instead.

In the end, it doesn't really matter.

Now, you know, it doesn't really matter,

you know, whether you jump over a broom,

or you stump on a glass,

or you exchange rings.

What makes a covenant a covenant

is all of those elements together,

and primarily that it is a public declaration.

Public declaration.

The couple are standing in front of family,

friends, witnesses,

and they are publicly declaring.

There's no such thing as a covenant

in the back seat of a car.

At all.

There are covenants everywhere in the Bible,

covenants between human beings,

you know, horizontal covenants.

But the most prominent covenants

are the covenants that are,

if you like, vertical,

the covenants between God

and individuals,

or God and families,

or nations, communities.

And the marriage covenant,

as the Bible sees it,

is unique

because it has

very strong

aspects

of both horizontal

and vertical.

That's what makes it unique

as a covenant.

So Proverbs 2,

17,

describes a wayward wife

who has

left the partner

of her youth

and ignored

the covenant

she has

made before God.

In other words,

she's broken

relationship

with

her spouse

and

God.

The covenant

made between

a husband

and a wife

is done

before God

and therefore

with God

as well as

the spouse.

And to break faith

with your spouse

is to break faith

with God

at the same time.

Now,

I'm

assuming that

maybe

I should make this assumption

that you've been

to a wedding before

and

maybe

traditional,

if you like,

Christian weddings

are becoming

less and less

and less

in our society.

There are only

a small portion

nowadays

of weddings

in our society.

But

the biblical idea

of covenant

is reflected

in the traditional

wedding service

in that it has

both questions

and vows.

I'm not sure

if you've ever

noticed that before.

Let me just

take you through it

as a celebrant.

I

first of all

ask

the gathering

of people

that are there

whether there is

any

legal

reason

as to why

this marriage

should not proceed.

That's the first

question that's asked.

Not asking you

anyone got a personal

opinion about this

whether it should

happen or not.

It's a legal

reason.

And if someone

in case you don't

realise this

if someone

stands up

and says

I've got a

legal reason

why they

should not

get married

or I've got

a reason

why they

shouldn't

get married

and then

I've actually

at that point

got to stop

the service

I've got to

pull that

person aside

with

not the bride

and the groom

but with the

parents of the

groom

pull them

aside

and say

please explain

your legal

reason

why it

should not

proceed.

if they've

got no

legal reason

why it

shouldn't

proceed

I

then

ask

the

parents

would you

like at

this moment

to press

charges

and the

police get

called.

It's a

legal

ceremony.

So that's

the first

thing

and to

date

no one's

done that

by the

way

and then

I ask

the couple

a set

of questions

each

individually

the bride

and the

bridegroom

will you

take

to be

your spouse

to live

together

according

to God's

law

will you

give them

the honour

due to

them as

your spouse

and forsaking

all others

love and

protect them

as long

as your

spouse

shall live

and each

spouse

says I

will

hopefully

if they

don't we

don't proceed

now up to

this point

in the

service

they're not

facing each

other

they're facing

me

and

traditionally

the

father of

the bride

is normally

standing between

them still

last

hang on to

those last

moments

they're

actually

looking at

the minister

as I

ask them

the questions

because I

am not just

a witness

of their

promise

at this

point

I am

representing

God

and the

state

in this

legal

ceremony

and so

what happens

at the

very first

thing

is that

the couple

make a

promise

to God

before they

turn to

each other

and each

of them

gets to

hear

each other

stand up

before God

before their

families and

friends and

before the

authorities of

structures of

church and

state and

they swear

loyalty and

faithfulness

things to

the covenant

not to

each other

to the

covenant

and it's

not until

they've done

that do

they then

take one

another by

the hand

and stumble

through the

rest of it

and faint

and all

in the

presence of

God I

take you

to be my

husband and

wife to

have and

to hold

from this

day forward

for better

for worse

for rich

and poor

in sickness

and health

to love

and cherish

as long

as the

best shall

live

this is

my

solemn

vow

and promise

legal

declaration

now I've

been to a

few

secular

weddings

and they're

a little

bit different

I remember

one wedding

where the

celebrant said

everything

today is

about love

this whole

ceremony

our gathering

is a

celebration

of love

and I

went

in my mind

of course

yes and

no

actually

no

really it's

not what

we're gathered

here today

we're actually

here gathered

publicly for

a legal

service

that's why

we're gathered

and then I

noticed something

else

the couples

basically

express

because they

get to write

their own

vows

they basically

express

their current

love

for each

other

and it's

because I

currently love

you

I desire

to be with

you

in one

case

the promise

where the

couples

express

this is

what I

like

about

you

this is

what I

enjoy

being

with

you

and

then

and then

at the end

of it

was

the promise

was

I will

love

you

for

however

long

we

are

together

what the

hell

does that

mean

until tomorrow

morning

the next

day

I mean

until I

will love

you

and then

once we're

not together

I don't

need to

love you

or once

I fall

out of

love

I don't

need to

be with

you

anymore

there were

no words

through sickness

in health

richer or

poorer

until

one or

both of

us are

dead

now

traditionally

a wedding

is not

primarily

a celebration

of how

much you

love

or you

feel

loving

right now

that's

not it

wedding

vows

are not

a declaration

of present

love

they are

mutual

binding

promise

of future

love

current

love

I'm

assumed

it should

be assumed

I think

on the

day

in a

wedding

the couple

stand before

God

family

friends

the institutions

of state

and church

in a

Christian

one

and they

promise

to be

loving

faithful

and true

to their

spouse

in the

future

through

all the

ups and

downs

through

all the

ups and

downs

particularly

of internal

feelings

of whether

I feel

loving

or passionate

or not

and every

single

external

circumstance

in life

biblically

marriage

is a

covenant

relationship

that is

public

binding

and legal

people

it's not

the

building

it's not

the

service

it's not

the dress

it's not

the rings

that makes

a person

married

what makes

them married

is a

permanent

exclusive

public

legal

commitment

to share

all aspects

of their

life together

and the

marriage

is

official

the

moment

I say

I

declare

you

to be

husband

and

wife

on

behalf

of God

and the

state

did you

know

that you

can run

most of

a wedding

service

as a

celebrant

but you

cannot say

those words

legally

unless

you're

licensed

and the

moment

I declare

them to

be

married

they're

married

marriage

is

not a

five by

five

renewable

options

contract

even a

prenuptial

agreement

radically

cuts

into the

biblical

definition

of marriage

and the

Bible's

teaching

of marriage

is why

the Bible

says

that you

should not

give yourself

to someone

without

them giving

you this

kind of

commitment

or you

giving them

this kind

of commitment

that's why

the Bible's

teaching on

marriage

is really

on a

collision

course

with the

modern

mindset

the modern

concept

of covenant

it just

seems so

oppressive

to the

modern

person

and which

is why

the idea

of covenant

relationships

is almost

non-existence

in western

civilization

at the

moment

marriage

as discipline

as service

as commitment

as obligation

as accountability

is so

foreign

to

deeply

held

values

of

self

excuse me

self-fulfillment

and self

actualization

now if I

left it

there

you'd go

hang on

a bit

it sounds

very

mechanical

formal

where's the

passion

where's the

romance

where's the

love

and I

suppose

on one

level

this is

the main

thing

that many

secular

the modern

person

brings

to the

idea

of

marriage

it's

just

about

love

one

of the

most

widely

held

beliefs

in our

culture

today

is that

the

foundation

of

marriage

is

romantic

love

so you

can

you can

buy

any

number

of books

and go

to courses

and stuff

and articles

about how

to keep

the sparks

alive

in your

80s

and

in that

sense

romantic

love

as it's

described

in our

culture

is it's

a feeling

romantic

love

according to

our culture

is like a

ditch

you fall

into it

it's

passive

it's

subjective

it just

happens

to you

it just

sort of

came on

me

and there's

also wide

agreement

that

romantic

love

waxes

and wanes

and it

fades

over time

and then

you got

that

combined

with another

widely held

belief

that

romantic

love

and

sexual

fulfillment

are

absolutely

important

in order

to have

a long

and fulfilled

and happy

personal

existence

in other

words

sexual

expression

is

attached

to my

self

actualization

now those

two

convictions

that I

need to

have

romantic

love

to be

truly

me

and

express

that

sexually

but the

fact that

romantic

love

waxes

and wanes

marriage

is

just

in

with

those

two

ideas

so the

institution

of marriage

while we

think it's

declining

actually

isn't

what's

happening

is

people

are

cohabitating

up to

85%

I think

at the

moment

cohabitate

before

marriage

try

before

you

buy

kind

of

a

thing

and it's

because of

those

ideas

a married

man gave

me some

advice

not long

before

Nat

and I

are

married

he said

that over

the years

the partnership

in life

was still

there

but the

romance

and the

passion

it just

dies

off

but that's

okay

sort of

another

one

told me

that if

you put

a jelly

bean

in a

jar

every time

you had

sex

in the

first

year

of

marriage

and then

took one

out every

time you

had sex

after the

first year

of marriage

the jar

would never

become

empty

joke's

on him

I'm a

diabetic

I

have

jelly

beans

all

the

time

I'm

not

don't

read

any more

into that

than that

I'm

just

you see

what it's

saying

there is

the

modern

view

understands

love

as a

feeling

it's about

passion

it's about

something

that

happens

to me

I feel

romantic

passion

for you

and I

don't

need

a piece

of paper

to make

how I

feel

any better

and that

is absolutely

correct

if love

is about

romantic

passion

no piece

of paper

is going

to help

with that

for sure

but the

Bible sees

love

primarily

primarily

as much

about

giving

love

rather than

so much

as feeling

love

or receiving

love

love is

about giving

yourself to

another person

how much

you're willing

to lose

for the

sake of

another

person

how much

you're willing

to invest

in the

other

person

and in

that sense

when someone

says I

don't need

a piece

of paper

to show

you how

much

I

love

you

what

they

could

potentially

also

be

meaning

is

I

don't

love

you

enough

to give

myself

to you

completely

you see

the Bible

sees

marriage

as a

relationship

that is

far more

durable

and binding

and unconditional

than one

that is based

on mere

feeling

and affection

and at

the same

time

it sees

marriage

as far

more

intimate

and personal

than

merely

a

legal

business

relationship

that's

convenient

for

economic

gain

or something

like that

so the

Bible

actually

sees

marriage

as a

covenant

relationship

that has

a stunning

blend

of law

and love

and that's

what I want

to unpack

now

it was

British

philosopher

Bertrand

Russell

he made

an early

20th century

argument

for the

expression

of sexual

love

outside of

marriage

he said

it was

the preferred

option

if you like

he was

an atheist

and he

argued

that sexual

activity

should be

marked

and therefore

sexual activity

should be

marked

by intense

passion

and romantic

delight

and that

can flourish

to quote

him

as long

as it

is free

and spontaneous

he said

that romantic

passion

and love

and sex

tends to be

killed

by the

thought

of duty

it's an

obligation

and that

thinking

from Bertrand

Russell

is

considered

that makes

a lot of

sense

in our

day and

age

right now

and the

Bible

fundamentally

disagrees

with that

the Bible

sees

love

needs

a

framework

of a

binding

obligation

to make

it fully

what it

should be

it's a

relationship

that is

more

intimate

because

it is

legal

and that

actually

makes

common

sense

too

to make

a

for example

to make

a binding

public vow

love

commitment

to give

yourself

to another

person

be committed

to that

person

through

every single

thing that

life will

throw at

you

is an

enormous

act of

love

in itself

an enormous

act of

love

the

willingness

to make

that kind

of commitment

actually enhances

love

another way

and it

builds on

this

is why

marriage is

more intimate

because it

is legally

binding

is the

security

that it

provides

you see

when

if you

can wind

your mind

back for

those who

have been

married for

a while

but when

dating

or for

instance

if you're

a couple

living

together

what you

have to

do in

that moment

in that

relationship

at that

stage

is you

have to

constantly

prove

your value

daily

to your

partner

by impressing

and enticing

and so the

relationship

at that

point

is really

a consumer

orientated

relationship

I need

to give

you a

cost benefit

analysis

as to why

we should

stay together

you see

when we

first fall

in love

we think

we love

that person

but we

actually

don't

really

it takes

years

to truly

love

a person

what

happens

when we

fall into

the ditch

of love

and we

feel love

we fall

in love

with our

idea

of that

person

that's what

we fall

in love

with

there is

an emotional

high that

comes to

us

when someone

thinks that

we're so

wonderful

and we're

so beautiful

or so

handsome

or so

talented

or so

funny

and that

is part

of what

fuels

the early

passion

and the

electricity

of falling

in love

the other

side of

this

is that

the other

person

who you

think is

captivated

by you

does not

really know

you either

and that's

somewhat more

troubling

underneath

and which is

why we have

to try so

hard

we have to

put on our

best versions

of ourselves

there are

things about

oneself

that

about

ourselves

that we're

ashamed of

that we're

afraid of

and we

could not

possibly allow

those things

to come out

at this

point

otherwise

it'll be

over

and we

don't let

the other

person see

our flaws

because

fundamentally

what our

hearts

can't cope

with

is the

possibility

of rejection

because we

want love

is what

we want

even

deeper

still

we can't

reveal

those parts

of our

character

that we

can't in

fact see

ourselves

and which

will only be

revealed to

us in the

course

of a

long

long

marriage

so the

dilemma

is this

the

person

doesn't

really

know

us

and

therefore

doesn't

really

love

us

not yet

anyway

what

they

love

is

their

version

of

us

what

we

think

of

as

being

head

over

heels

in

love

is

in

large

part

a

gusto

of

ego

gratification

and it's

not

until

you've

been

together

for a

period

of

time

where

the

all the

veils

and the

barriers

start to

be removed

and they

start to

see you

over

time

that

the

real

you

comes

out

and the

challenges

start

so it's

not in

your notes

but did

you know

that

75%

of couples

who cohabitate

before marriage

last

less than

five years

last

less than

five years

75%

the other

25%

get married

and

their

divorce

rate

is

slightly

higher

than those

who don't

cohabitate

before

marriage

cohabitation

before

marriage

increases

the

likelihood

of

divorce

I'll

get to

that

in a

moment

unbeknownst

to most

people

that's

actual

statistic

fact

did you

know

that

couples

who

marry

their

unhappiness

levels

before

marriage

marriage

exactly

the

same

as

a

couple

who

cohabitate

before

marriage

however

every

couple

that

describes

their

marriage

as

unhappy

if they

stick

with

it

those

same

two

thirds

of those

relationships

will

self

describe

as

happy

beyond

the

six

year

mark

there

is

nothing

quite

like

the

profound

satisfaction

of being

known

and

loved

when

over

many

years

someone

has

seen

us

at

our

worst

and

knows

our

strengths

and

our

flaws

and

still

commits

wholly

to

you

that

is

deeply

satisfying

to

be

loved

but

not

known

is

gratifying

thrilling

but

it's

superficial

to

be

known

and

not

loved

that

is

our

greatest

fear

but

to

be

fully

known

and

fully

loved

is

the

deepest

of

all

loves

and

that's

what

every

human

heart

needs

more

than

anything

else

and

that

kind

of

love

is

not

killed

by

legal

commitment

legal

commitment

in fact

provides

the

environment

for

that

love

to

grow

in

his

book

the

marriage

builder

Larry

crab

recounts

an

experience

in

fact

as

he

was

writing

the

book

he's

in

a

plane

and

he

you

know

notepad

in

front

of

him

and

the

airline

steward

notice

that

something

about