The Purpose of Marriage

Good morning again. On the St. Paul's App, we've got an outline for today. We are four weeks in now.

! This is the fourth week on a series on marriage.

We kicked off with the mystery of marriage.

That is that the gospel of Jesus Christ and marriage explain each other.

Marriage is the ultimate human relationship, but it is the penultimate relationship.

It points to the eternal marriage of Christ and his church.

Then we moved into the power of marriage.

That is, what we saw there was that the problem, if you like, the main havoc-wreaking problem in many marriages

and the ever-present problem in every marriage is self-centeredness.

And Ephesians 5, which is our main test, says that marriage, everything that Paul writes about marriage

that was just read out to us, hangs on verse 21.

And it is the power to fulfill everything that Paul writes about marriage as he describes it.

And that is the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit, pointing us to the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ,

who surrendered his will for our sake, gave himself for us.

And therefore, the work of the Holy Spirit transforms us to be selfless.

And then last week, it was the meaning of marriage.

And that is a permanent and exclusive legal commitment between a man and a woman to share their entire life with the other.

And so this binding legal commitment is what is needed to provide the security for romance

and for love to flourish in life, in the married life.

And now we're asking the question, well, now that we've got all that sorted out,

what is marriage for?

What's its purpose, if you like?

What's its goal?

That's what we're up to today.

Four points, you've got them on the St. Paul's app if you've got that in front of you.

Now, the Bible, as I said right at the very beginning, starts with a marriage.

And it ends with a marriage.

And in the Bible, it starts with God creating the material universe.

The constant refrain in Genesis 1 and 2 is,

He created, he created, he created.

And then it says, the wording shifts when God creates humanity.

And it says in chapter 1, verse 26,

Let us make man in our image and our likeness.

That is, the language shifts to being plural.

Let us.

But the image and the likeness of God is singular.

And so what we have here, right at the very beginning of the Bible,

is the earliest glimpse of the Christian teaching

that there is one God who is three distinct persons,

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Each person of the Trinity is fully, completely, totally God,

and yet each person of the Trinity is distinct.

And so what we see there, the implications of that,

is that the very heart of ultimate reality,

as the Christian faith describes it,

is personal relationship.

The God of Christianity is community,

of mutual love relationships,

sacrificing and serving each other two members of the Trinity,

and delighting and loving them completely.

They exist for the other two.

And so that's the only way,

that's the only context where we can come to terms with Genesis 2, verse 18.

Genesis 2:18

The Lord God said,

It is not good for the man to be alone.

You see, everything you read in the creation account up to this point

is God said and it happened and God declared it to be good.

This is the first time and the only time in the creation account

that we read the words,

not good, not good.

And it's not because it's sin.

It's not because there's a design flaw.

I mean, Adam is in perfect paradise,

walking and talking with God.

He's made in the image of God,

who is an us and not a me,

and that is what is not good.

Adam is alone.

God created us to have such a deep need for human relationships

that not even paradise itself can satisfy it.

It's why you can accumulate everything in the world,

but if you're alone, it means nothing.

You see, what Adam needed,

because God brought all the animals in front of him,

what Adam needed was a companion who was like him,

like him.

And so Genesis 2.18,

the Lord God said,

it is not good for a man to be alone.

I will make a helper suitable for him.

Now,

it says there in the original Hebrew language,

God created what the Hebrew language calls or used.

The word used there is an ezer.

It means a,

it's a word that means helper companion.

Quite literally,

what he needs is a friend.

Adam needs a friend.

So for all you dog lovers out there,

a dog is not man's best friend.

The concept of helper,

and we need to understand this,

unless it be taken out of context,

helper here is not personal assistant.

That's not what Adam needed.

He didn't need someone to schedule stuff for him.

He didn't need staff,

not looking for a mate or a domestic helper at all.

Doesn't mean,

the wording in no way applies,

and we'll unpack this later in the series.

In no way applies at all,

means that the helper,

who is any less than Adam,

because the woman too is made in the image of God.

The Old Testament,

the reason why we know it's not less than in any way whatsoever,

is because the Old Testament uses the same word

in a different context.

And it's describing God.

The same word that's used here for Adam's helper

is the same word that is used to describe God

and his relationship to Israel.

He is,

God is Israel's Ezer,

companion helper,

friend.

And in actual fact,

the verb form of Ezer,

literally means the one,

the friend who saves from danger.

And so in the context of Genesis 2,

what we're meant to read here is,

God provides the man

with a friend who delivers him from loneliness.

That's the helper,

a companion friend,

equal to him,

but different from him.

And so in Genesis 2,

Genesis 2:23

verse 23,

we have the very first recorded words of any human being.

And this is it,

an emphatic outburst.

At last,

this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

at last.

He says,

he looks at the woman that God brings.

You're just like me.

Sort of.

But he's saying something even deeper.

In 2 Samuel 5,

we read this,

all the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron

and said,

we are your own flesh and blood.

Literally,

in the Hebrew there,

it's,

we are your own flesh and bone.

The same language is used in the Old Testament

that Adam uses here when describing Eve,

same language is used

within the context of a covenant relationship.

You see,

what's happening here

is that when they come to David,

they're not saying,

we're your family.

David is king of Judah

and Israel's looking for a king.

In biblical language,

flesh and bone represent weakness and strength.

The flesh decays.

The bone doesn't.

It's a sign of one's weakness

and one's strength.

And so they're not making a statement

that hey,

we're family.

They're making a statement

of commitment to David,

loyalty to him as their king.

They're making a covenant statement.

We will be loyal to you,

King David,

committed to you

through all the ups and the downs,

the high points and the low points

in our future together.

And so when God brings the woman to the man

in Genesis 2,

his first words are not,

what a babe.

The first recorded words

are what would we call equivalent

to wedding vows.

In weakness and strength,

in richer and poorer,

sickness and in health,

I am committed to you.

my friend.

So in the beginning,

what we see here,

God gave the man a companion

to be his spouse.

And in fact,

the female speaker

in the Song of Songs

echoes Adam's words

in chapter 5, verse 16,

where she says,

this is my lover,

this is my friend.

Marriage,

expand the definition somewhat further,

marriage is a permanent

and exclusive legal commitment

between a man and a woman

to share their entire lives together

as friends.

So let's unpack

what a friendship is.

What's the biblical idea

of friendship?

The Bible does a lot,

spends a lot of time

unpacking what true friendship

looks like

and we have four main qualities

in terms of biblical friendship.

The first is dependability.

Proverbs 17, 17,

a friend loves at all times

and a brother is born

for a time of adversity.

This is the opposite

of the fair weather friend

who comes over

when things are successful

but when it goes away

when your prosperity hits

or there's a,

you know,

your influence wanes

or your status drops,

you don't have so many

Facebook friends anymore

or sickness hits

or whatever it might be.

Proverbs 18, 24 says,

true friends

stick closer to a brother

including the times of adversity.

They are always there with you.

They never leave you.

The second quality

is transparency.

Real friends encourage

and affirm one another

but they also critique one another.

Proverbs 27,

better is open rebuke

than hidden love.

Wounds from a friend

can be trusted

but an enemy multiplies kisses.

They just affirm.

A true friend

like a surgeon

will cut you

in order to heal you.

Proverbs 27, 17

tells us that

friends become wiser together

through a healthy clash

of viewpoints.

As iron sharpens iron

so friends sharpen friends.

And so you could

summarise the first two qualities

if you like

as true friends

will

always

let you in

to who they are

but they'll never

let you down

even when they let you in.

The third quality

of friendship

is

sympathy.

Now sympathy

is a combination

of two Greek words

which are

synpathos

which means

common passion.

That's what sympathy is.

It's not empathy.

They're two very different things.

Sympathy is a common passion.

So friends,

friendships are discovered

if you like

as people discover

that they have

common interests

in things

and longings

for the same sort of things.

C.S. Lewis

in his book

The Four Loves

insists

if you draw a picture

of the difference

between

erotic

romantic love

and

friendship love

he said

erotic love

is when two people

are just looking

at each other.

He said

friendship

is when

two people

are standing

side by side

and

are fixed

on a common

passion

together.

That's

friendship.

That's the difference.

When we meet

another person

who shares

our common

passion

there is a potential

for a real

friendship.

If the real

friendship

is nurtured

beyond the

common passion

to transparency

and a

constancy

in the relationship

if it's just

the common

passion

passions

wax and wane

you know

especially

if your friend

has got ADHD

my goodness

they'll change

their mind

all the time

and so

friends

at stages

of life

particular

passion

they come

and they go

unless

there's a

constancy

and a

transparency

you see

the paradox

is that

friendship

cannot be

merely

about itself

you want

a friend

I need

a friend

well let's

be friends

that's not

a friendship

it must be

about something

that both

friends are

committed to

and passionate

about

besides each

other

and this

has

absolutely

remarkable

application

for every

single

Christian

despite

the enormous

differences

that we might

have

in life

we have

something

in common

that is

far more

powerful

than any

other

common

anything

we might

have in

common

or far

more powerful

than supersedes

everything that

we don't have

in common

and that is

we've all

experienced

the grace

of God

in the

gospel of

the Lord

Jesus

Christ

that is

the common

passion

Christ

and so

the fourth

quality

of

Christian

friendship

is a

shared

goal

if your

shared

goal

is

a run

club

one of you

breaks a

leg

and the

run

club

shared

goal

passion

is no

longer

there

the

beauty

of

the

Christian

shared

goal

is that

it is

never

ending

it always

exists

the goal

is always

there

any

two

Christians

with

nothing

else

but a

common

faith

in

Christ

can

have

a

robust

friendship

that

endures

to death

because

they don't

just have

Jesus

in common

but they're

heading

towards

Jesus

together

they're

helping

each

other

on

their

journey

towards

the new

creation

as well

as

doing

ministry

in the

world

together

and so

the picture

that the

Bible

draws

of this

spiritual

element

to friendship

this common

goal

Christ and

the common

goal

is profoundly

deep

profoundly

deep

you see

Christian

friendship

which is

often when we

talk about

we need

more community

Christian

friendship

is not

simply about

going to

concerts

together

or enjoying

the same

sort of

sporting

events

or common

interests

it is

the deep

oneness

that develops

as two

people

journey

together

towards

the same

destination

helping

one another

through

the dangers

and the

challenges

along the

way

it's a

relationship

that's actually

going somewhere

for the

Christian

Christ

is meant

to be

their

greatest

passion

in life

and

Christian

friendship

is sharing

that

passion

and

taking

that

journey

together

the

richest

and the

best

relationships

are those

that combine

if you like

both the

natural

and the

supernatural

elements

we

both

have a

passion

for

cars

and we

both

have a

greater

passion

for

Jesus

you know

there's

those things

that link

together

but the

greater

one is

the

supernatural

passion

it's the

one that

endures

what

marriage

does

is

it

builds

on those

things

and it

adds

to that

the

supernatural

bonds

of

friendship

a

romantic

bond

as well

where you

don't

not just

standing

side by

side

looking at

Jesus

but you're

looking at

each other

as you look

to Jesus

it's that

other

element

and it's

what makes

marriage

the richest

and the

deepest

of human

relationships

and so

in the

Bible

marriage

is not

romance

garnished

with

friendship

hopefully

over time

it is

actually

friendship

that is

garnished

with

romance

that's

marriage

and that's

why

as the

Bible

sees it

you are

married

marriage

marriage

is

where

you are

married

to

your

best

friend

you see

when God

brought

the man

brought

this

first

man

his

spouse

together

he

brought

them

together

not just

as

lovers

but as

the

companion

friend

that

the

depths

of

their

heart

was

seeking

when

Proverbs

2

17

speaks

of

one's

spouse

it

uses

a

very

unique

word

that

means

your

special

confidant

it

means

we would

say

your

bestest

your

BBF

your

very

bestest

friends

now

bear

this in

mind

what this

is saying

here

this

is in

a day

these

words

are

written

in

Proverbs

2

are

written

in a

day

in

the

age

when

where

women

were

primarily

seen

as a

husband's

property

where

marriages

was a

business

deal

to

bring

families

together

and to

increase

their

social

status

and

their

security

and

bear

in

mind

that

this

is

also

what

that

means

is

it's

inconceivable

in the

day

of

Proverbs

to

see

your

wife

as

your

best

friend

as

much

as

it

is

inconceivable

for

us

to

do

the

same

thing

today

what

do

you

mean

by

that

well

in

modern

society

with

its

emphasis

on

romantic

passion

sexual

chemistry

and

compatibility

it

is

just

as

radical

to

insist

that

your

spouse

should

be

your

best

friend

that's

the

very

foundation

you

see

if

you

can

think

back

this

far

to

the

dating

days

and

for

those

of

you

who

are

hoping

for

that

now

it

is

typical

for

a

single

person

to

walk

into

a

room

to

see

a

number

of

people

of

the

opposite

sex

and

immediately

begin

to

screen

those

who

are

appropriate

and

those

who

are

not

appropriate

or

those

who

are

potential

and

those

who

are

not

potentials

and

it's

got

nothing

to do

with

companionship

you

screen

them

before

you've

even

spoken

to

them

you

eliminate

some

you've

got a

pool

that you

want to

fish

from

and

then

we

start

dripping

working

out

who's

the

most

likely

candor

from

here

you

see

so

many

people

go

about

their

dating

starting

from

the

wrong

end

and

they

end

up

in

marriages

that

aren't

really

about

anything

and

they

aren't

going

anywhere

and

so

here's

the

danger

if

you

see

your

spouse

as

mainly

a

sexual

partner

or

as

a

financial

partner

or

someone

who

will

nurse

you

when

you

get

really

old

you

will

find

over

the

course

of

your

marriage

you

will

find

that

you

will

need

pursuits

outside

of the

marriage

to

fulfill

your

sense

of

who

you

are

to

fill

up

your

make

you

feel

like

you've

got

a

whole

soul

and

when

that

happens

children

parents

work

hobbies

a network

of close

friends

will

capture

your

imagination

and

they

will

provide

you

with

the

joy

and

the

meaning

and

they

will

absorb

your

emotional

energy

more

than

your

marriage

so

Ephesians

5

31

is

quoting

the

very

first

marriage

in

Genesis

2

where

it

says

for

this

reason

a

man

will

leave

his

father

and

mother

and

be

united

to

his

wife

and

the

two

will

become

one

flesh

ancient

cultures

in

this

day

even

in

Ephesians

5

put

enormous

emphasis

on the

parent

child

relationship

enormous

emphasis

in

such a

way

that

pleasing

your

parents

and

being

faithful

to

the

wishes

of

your

parents

is

all

important

all

important

in

more

traditional

cultures

even

today

parents

and

grandparents

are

given

great

authority

and

children

are

expected

to

heed

their

parents

wishes

above

all

requests

the

relationship

that

most

shapes

our

life

whatever

cultural

background

you

come

from

shapes

our

life

of

who

we

are

is

our

relationship

with

our

parents

up to

a

certain

point

and

yet

nowhere

!

in

the

biblical

account

of

creation

did

God

put

a

parent

and

a

child

together

in

the

garden

of

Eden

nowhere

he

put a

husband

and a

wife

and

what

we are

meant

to see

and

everything

from

this

moment

we're

meant

to see

is the

relationship

with your

spouse

supersedes

all

other

relationships

including

the

parental

relationship

the moment

you get

married

marriage

must be

more

important

to you

than

absolutely

everything

else

absolutely

everything

else

there is

no

human

being

should

get

more

of your

love

your

energy

your

activity

and

your

commitment

than

your

spouse

the

wedding

vows

that we

take

are

very

clear

of this

in terms

of the

traditional

wedding

vows

Christian

wedding

vows

it

uses

it

picks

it

up

from

Genesis

2

and

Ephesians

5

and

it's

very

clear

the

vow

that you

make

is

forsaking

all

others

the

all

others

is not

forsaking

other

potential

spouses

it

is

all

others

it

is

very

symbolic

in a

traditional

service

when the

father

comes

with the

bride

down

the

aisle

and

stands

before

me

there

is

a

certain

point

where

I

ask

the

question

who

brings

this

bride

to be

married

to

this

man

this

groom

and

the

father

or

sometimes

it's

both

the

mother

and

the

father

stand

up

at

that

point

and

say

we

do

or

I

do

and

at

that

point

I

say

sit

down

thank

you

when

I

say

sit

down

what

I'm

saying

is

sit

down

and

back

away

that's

what

that's

symbolically

what's

happening

there

you've

done a

great

job

it's

now

over

God

here

in

Ephesians

5

which is

even

more

remarkable

in a

patriarchal

society

for the

man

to

leave

his

father

and

mother

whereas

we

think

in

patriarchal

societies

the

woman

now

joins

the

man

and

becomes

part

of

the

man's

family

that's

not

what's

happening

in

Ephesians

5

if

you

are

married

the

opinion

of

your

parents

ought

not

to

be

more

important

than

your

spouses

nothing

should

get

more

of

your

ingenuity

your

time

and

your

energy

than

your

spouse

if

your

spouse

does

not

feel

that

you

are

putting

him

or

her

first

then

by

definition

you

are

not

you're

not

if

you've

got a

communication

problem

and one

says

I don't

think we've

got a

communication

problem

the other

says

we do

have a

communication

problem

by definition

you've got a

communication

problem

and when

when this

happens

your marriage

is dying

you're

in a

lot

of

trouble

too

many

marriage

problems

arise

because

couples

are

yet

or

have

never

left

They've

never

gone

through

the

process

of

leaving

and

cleaving

to

each

other

and

just

bear in

mind

here

when we

hear that

we think

mummy's

boy

kind of

person

the person

who's

not

cut

the

apron

strings

yes

that's

one

example

of it

another

example

of it

is those

who have

a real

detesting

of their

parents

you too

have not

left

and cleaved

if you

resent your

parents

you still

haven't

left

them

you're

still

making

decisions

about

your

married

life

to

spite

them

so many

spouses

allow

their

bad

relationship

to

their

parents

to

control

how

they

relate

to

their

spouse

you

must

leave

it

behind

leaving

and

cleaving

means

that

no

couple

should

do

anything

anything

at all

simply

because

my

family

did it

this

way

if

the

Bible

says

you

do

it

it's

unquestioned

everything

else

is open

for

negotiation

one of

the things

I do

when I

tell

couples

or

prepare

couples

for

marriage

one bit

of advice

I ask

them

or one

question

I ask

them

what are

you doing

on the

first

Christmas

after

you've

been

married

I

don't

know

I

haven't

thought

about

it

think

about

it

here's

my

recommendation

set

the

agenda

right

from the

very

beginning

to do

your

own

thing

on your

very

first

Christmas

accept

no

invitation

from extended

family

and do

your own

thing

for the

very

first

Christmas

set

the

pattern

that you

are a

new

family

unit

and that

spouse

is not

left

now

the

other

problem

that

sinks

so

many

marriages

is the

over

commitment

to

the

next

generation

to

children

this

one's

slightly

more

harder

because

they're

actually

part

of

your

new

family

unit

they're

not

part

of

your

former

family

unit

they're

part

of

your

new

family

unit

and so

it's

right

to

consider

that

parenting

is a

very

high

and

important

calling

in

life

if

a

marriage

cools

which

it

can

in

the

years

during

when

the

kids

are

so

needy

which

means