The Growth of Marriage

Well, good morning, everyone.

Last week, Steve finished his message by saying that next week, Nick is going to get up and tell you everything you need to know about the hard stuff of marriage.

He'll have all the answers and then smirked at me where I was sitting.

And if you get any kind of introduction like that, you've got to have credentials, right?

You might watch a YouTuber or have seen a TED Talk where when they get up, they say, hey, here are my credentials.

I've studied this.

I've got this relationship.

I know these people.

I'm the one you need to listen to.

Well, today we're talking about the growth of marriage or growing in our marriage.

Here are my credentials that you should ignore.

I've been married nearly 20 years to the most wonderful person in the room, Sam.

I have three beautiful children.

And here's what you should hold as credentials.

I've made pretty much every mistake you can think of in marriage.

And every time someone who is younger than me, and you might think I look young, but I've been married nearly 20 years and I have made so many mistakes.

And people who want to get married or have been married for a shorter time than me, when they ask, what should I do in this situation or now?

I say, well, I can tell you I've made that mistake.

So don't do that.

That is the majority of my advice.

The credential that I want you to hold on to is the word of God.

Because without it, I'm not married for 20 years.

Without the grace of God to me, I'm not married.

Without my wife's grace to me, I'm not married.

Let's pray.

Heavenly Father, would you speak to us through your word this morning?

And even though we've heard this passage at least five times in this series, please speak to us by your Holy Spirit and change us.

Help us who are married to hear this sharp, loving word this morning.

And help those of us who are not married to hear it as well.

For you love to grow relationships and bring people together as one.

For in Christ, we are one.

Amen.

When I was young, I lived in a place called Pambula Beach.

It's right down the far south coast on the beach.

For real.

And we could kind of see the ocean.

It was wonderful.

One of the houses a little further up the hill, just behind us, was this house.

Hope you can see that.

It's pretty quirky looking, right?

It's still there all these years later.

It's an A-frame house.

Two flat walls set on the ground, leaning on each other.

Now, I remember going on a walk one morning with my dad.

I was pretty small.

And I remember pointing out that house.

That's weird, dad.

Or something like that.

And he said, yeah, those houses are built for the mountains.

They're built so that ice and snow, when it lands on the roof, slides off.

And the roof never falls under its weight.

Now, it never snowed by the sea.

And that house was so out of place that I remember it vividly.

And I want us this morning not to remember that house necessarily, but to hold on to that image,

because we're going to come back to it.

In the previous weeks in this series on the meaning of marriage,

we've heard that the sin of self-centeredness and pride is the main hindrance to every marriage.

And if that's true, then without change, all marriages will trend towards ending early.

Can we avoid marriage that shrivels into disgust and isolation?

How do marriages grow?

So today we'll see that if you want a growing marriage, then you need to build an A-frame house.

You need two sides for a roof of truth and love and a sure foundation of grace.

But leave even one of those out and the A-frame house falls.

Christian marriages grow if both spouses are telling and accepting truth,

understanding and expressing love, and experiencing reconciling grace.

They're my three points this morning.

Telling and accepting truth.

Why the roof of truth?

I remember driving home after my first official date with Sam, my now wife.

I remember driving home.

I was worried.

I wasn't really worried about how it had gone.

I was more excited about that.

But I was worried about what I'd revealed about myself.

Did she see any of my many flaws that I was aware of?

My excitement was mixed with fear.

And years later, when we were married, I remembered that moment as I was driving down that same road.

Sam had just confronted me over the phone about how I always ended arguments whenever I felt like I had won.

Shutting her down and hurting her.

She was right.

As I was driving, I'd wish she hadn't seen that in me.

I was prideful.

But I just couldn't ignore it.

Because I was driving home to her.

To face her.

You see, when two people get married, their flaws become increasingly unhideable.

That's a word.

Anytime they're fearful or anxious or proud or inflexible or abrasive, undisciplined, oblivious, impatient, irritable.

Their spouse witnesses this.

Often bearing the brunt of it.

Underneath these flaws are sins.

The Christians are called to deal with and not hide.

Now, how do you feel when a friend, someone who knows you well, points out a flaw in you?

How do you feel?

Harmed?

Shocked?

Grieved?

Joyful?

Those around us can see our flaws more realistically than even us.

And a spouse sees your flaws better than anyone else.

They know them best.

Some of our flaws we have absorbed into our very identity.

They're now part of us.

Even if we hide them or try and ignore them, marriage digs them all up.

I want you to imagine you're in a hospital and you're so sick that they've got to run tests.

Maybe you've got to give blood or go do some scans.

And those tests are collated onto charts and they're put at the end of your bed.

And you're just lying there waiting for a doctor to appear and read those charts and reveal what is wrong.

But did the doctor make you sick?

No.

But their words carry the truth of what was already wrong with you.

Their role is to be the bearer of the bad news so you can heal.

Marriage reveals flaws in us rather than create them.

How often though do I witness spouses blaming the other for a flaw the other has seen in them?

Just as it's the doctor's goal to not be discouraging but to heal,

a spouse's truth-telling is for the healing of the other.

But unlike the doctor reading that report, our sickness, our flaws are affecting our spouse.

The doctor's well.

We're sick.

And yet in our marriage, our sickness affects our spouse.

Let's pick up our passage today.

Our key verses are in and around verse 26 there,

where it says that a husband's role is to make his spouse holy,

cleansing her by the washing of water through the word.

Learning to share and receive truth is this washing.

Have you given your spouse permission to talk about your flaws?

We heard last week that the purpose of Christian marriage is preparing our spouses for eternity with Christ.

And that is no small thing.

It's lifelong and it's huge.

So to do so, we must boldly share what is wrong with our hearts and Bibles open.

It also means expecting your spouse to bring your flaws to you.

Or confessing them yourself.

So that you can grow in holiness.

Now, if you are married here today, I'm going to ask you this.

Have you ever dreamt about being with someone better?

Or do you live in fear that your spouse will find someone better than you?

Deal with your fear of truth.

And deal with the sin in your spouse and yourself.

Your spouse's sin is not them.

Your sin is not you.

Romans 7.17 is where Paul says that sin lives in us.

The Christians are sinful, but counted sinless in Christ.

So, perfection in our lives must only ever be expected in Jesus.

Not in your spouse.

Not in yourself.

It's an unreasonable self-expectation to live without flaws.

And so, we are called to love the sinner who we marry.

To love the sinner we marry, you must together embrace Christ's perfection.

And in that light, deal with your sin.

In their book, The Meaning of Marriage, Tim and Kathy Keller encourage us to call this spiritual transparency.

Spiritual transparency.

Many passages in the Bible, like Ephesians 4, 14 and 15,

they encourage us to turn from the distractions of our world and the deceptions of the voices around us.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is Christ.

Regular, reciprocal, spiritual transparency.

Truth in love grows marriages.

So, how can we speak the truth and still love?

You may think that the truth only ever hurts.

You may think that truth can't change anything, really, in the end.

Or that marriage only needs love to thrive.

But the work of Christian marriage is to grow, as Steve said last week,

grow as bestest friends who speak the truth in love.

Understanding and expressing love.

We're up to point number two.

In the book, The Lord of the Rings, not the movie,

in the book, the character Faramir has a lot more to say.

There's a lot more screen time in the book than he did in the movie.

He's one of my favorite characters.

And there's a moment where Samwise, the hobbit who's gone along with Frodo on the journey to destroy the ring,

Samwise compliments Faramir for resisting the power of the ring.

Faramir accepts this praise by giving his own.

Back to Samwise, saying,

The praise of the praiseworthy is above all other rewards.

But Samwise, too, rejects the ring's power for the greater good.

Truthful love and affirmation from the praiseworthy is priceless.

Even carrying the power to be healing to us.

So, too, when the one you esteem the most, your spouse, praises you with something like,

Oh, that's what I love about you.

And greater still is when that same spouse who sees your flaws shows you love.

Praiseworthy and truthful.

We can become more convinced of our own dignity and worth as God's love is poured out on us through those we love who know our sin.

Ephesians 5.2 encourages us to walk in the way of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us.

That mirrors what we just read in today's passage in verse 25.

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Spouses are to reflect Christ in how we love and give ourselves up.

So, speaking the truth in love can only occur in a relationship where both give themselves up to understanding and expressing love toward one another.

Here's my big point here.

Do you give yourself in love for the benefit of your spouse or for yourself?

Do you love your spouse on their terms or yours?

Like Christ who showed us the love we needed when he wasn't in need of any love back.

He had everything he needed.

And yet he showed love to us the way we need it.

Sacrificial spouse-centered love is the other side of our roof for a growing marriage.

Now, when I was growing up in my hometown in Pambula, this is going to be weird, oysters were currency.

Pambula was an oyster farming town.

Pambula and Pambula are basically sister villages sitting next to each other.

And then there's a beach and that's Pambula Beach.

All those places, if you had oysters, you had cash.

They were currency.

Now, you didn't have to like eating them to trade with someone who did like them.

Just show of hands, nice and high, who likes oysters in the room?

Okay, please take the photo down for everyone else.

Quick, there we go.

The way we love is a kind of currency.

Sometimes the love currency we receive from someone else is not valuable to us.

Love can be given but not received as love.

Just like the rest of you feel no value in receiving oysters.

Love must be received as love to be understood as love.

And so, we need to spend our love using the preferred currency of the one we love.

Last week, Steve put up this graphic of C.S. Lewis' four loves.

Romantic love, affection love, charity love, friendship love.

Another summary of love currencies is the five love languages.

You may have heard of that.

Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.

We all want to be loved in our preferred currency.

We give love most naturally in that same currency.

But what if our spouse doesn't want to be loved like that?

Or doesn't feel loved like that?

What if they are inept to loving us in the way we prefer to be loved?

What looks like selfishness could in fact be love given in the wrong currency?

Are you willing to tell your spouse how you most want to be loved?

Or are you willing to exchange your dollars for oysters

to ensure that your spouse experiences your love to them,

even if you don't understand or appreciate it?

Embrace your spouse with the love they love.

And I encourage you, this might be your next step.

It might take some vulnerability and bravery to ask,

but ask, how may I grow in how I show my love to you?

They might say, show me affection.

And then I encourage you to give more of your time,

your nearness, assurance.

Play or participate in some side-by-side activities with them.

Write them cards or letters.

Make more of celebrations with them.

Be playful.

Tell them how you feel out loud.

Avoid being harsh.

And if they say, friendship,

do things together that your spouse loves.

Ask them questions and listen.

Reflectively answer their questions.

Learn more about their work and appreciate it.

Their hobbies and their interests.

And work toward becoming their emotional refuge.

And if they say, I want you to serve me more.

Well, then do the change that they ask for.

Put aside yourself for the sake of your marriage

and take note of the service they affirm in you

and then keep doing it.

Worship together in church

and be generous together.

The Kellers say that

if your spouse does not feel

like you are putting them first,

then by definition, you aren't.

And here's one warning sign

that you may need to grow

in love toward your spouse.

Do you have a pseudo-spouse?

A pseudo-spouse is a person

or a pursuit

where you give and receive more love

than with your spouse.

Challenge your disbelief

that truth and love can grow

and reject

whatever your pseudo-spouse is,

them or it,

for the sake of your marriage.

Truth and love are the roof

for a growing Christian marriage.

But what if you find yourself

in a marriage

with one and not the other?

There's truth in your marriage without love.

Or there's love in your marriage

without truth.

Well, truth without love

is dangerous

because it can leave

a spouse weakened.

Without their spouse's love

to aid in their recovery

and encourage them

to grow

out of their failures

or worse,

truth is used

as a method of control,

shame,

power.

Truth,

that's truth without love.

Anger is often used

as a cover for truth.

Anger isn't always the problem,

but anger must be

like a steak,

salted

so it won't go bad,

salted

with truth,

never weaponized

to control

or hurt

because that is abuse,

not truth

and love.

Truth hurts

and won't heal

without love.

love.

But by the same

understanding,

love without truth

is similarly damaging.

Keeping the peace

is more about

avoiding truth

than being loving.

It leads to

shallow relationships

based on

surface level

affirmations

that hide

deeper bitterness

and griefs.

Without revealing

or discovering truth

and spouses

knowing

and working

on their flaws,

marriages

will end up

built

on false

love.

Eventually,

the truth

will come out

either

in great

sin

or explosions

of bitterness

or the complete

dissolving

of a marriage.

Love

without truth

is

shallow

love.

And you might

be sitting here

thinking,

how?

How am I

supposed to be

brave enough

to tell my

spouse about

their sin

or my

own failures?

how am I

supposed to

find the

strength

to ask

them

to love

me

better

or handle

hearing them

ask the

same of

me?

We need

a foundation

for truth

and love

that will

not fall

under such

a weight.

We need

to experience

reconciling

grace.

One last

Tim and

Kathy

Keller

quote

because it's

brilliant.

Only if

we are

very good

at forgiving

and repenting

can truth

and love

be kept

together.

This is

crucial.

Only if

we become

very good

at forgiving

and repenting

can truth

and love

be kept

together.

Such

grace

must

exist

in a

marriage

as a

shared

commitment

to repent

of sin.

Choose

to forgive

and reconcile

by the

power

of God.

Ephesians

4

32

says

be kind

and compassionate

to one

another

forgiving

each other

just as

in Christ

God

forgave

you.

do you

see how

grace

in the

forgiveness

of God

in Christ

is our

power

for

forgiveness?

Just as

our

motivation

to share

the truth

and give

love

flows from

Christ

giving himself

up for

us

so he

is our

source

of the

power

to forgive

for he

is the

only

perfect

person

and yet

while

undeserving

of the

punishment

of hell

for sin

he

graciously

offers

to exchange

that

perfect

life

that is

his

freely

with

your

life

of sin

with

anyone

who

would

follow

him

as

their

risen

king

in

Jesus

is

complete

forgiveness

from

God

and so

we

who

have

been

forgiven

much

are

empowered

to

forgive

much

strangely

those

we love

are often

the hardest

to forgive

this

is

probably

because

the harm

are done

from one

spouse's

actions

against

another

it

just

hurts

more

than

everyone

else

they're

meant to

love you

the most

they know

you the

most

and they

can do

the most

damage

and so

making a

choice to

forgive

such great

hurt

requires us

to grow

in grace

in mark

11

25

Jesus

commands

that we

choose

to

forgive

even as

we pray

to God

about how

we're

hurting

before

we've

confronted

those

who hurt

us

take note

of the

order

choosing

to forgive

is the

start

and then

in Matthew

18

those

hurt

by sin

or witnesses

of sin

should seek

to confront

and restore

only taking

this

need for

repentance

public

if this

person

does not

repent

sin is to

be rooted

out in

the context

of a

relationship

with

forgiveness

the goal

of confronting

a sin

or even

the potential

for sin

in someone's

life

is for

reconciliation

of that

person to

God

and to

you

never

to punish

or control

it demands

grace from

you to

bring truth

in love

and it

demands grace

in them

to receive

truth

in love

unforgiving

spouses

cannot

bear

the truth

and so

withhold

grace

and such

a house

cannot

stand

it'll fall

under the

weight

so

we need

to grow

in the power

of grace

in our

marriage

how do

we do

that

the answer

is

grow in

humility

God

did not

ask us

to earn

our

spouse's

love

back

when we

fail in

our marriage

but to

repent

and ask

for forgiveness

this mirrors

Christ

who did

not demand

people earn

their way

back

into God's

love

but he

became

their way

to be

forgiven

we're to

humbly

embody

this in

our

marriage

grace

from God

is reflected

through

us

not

created

by us

to be

reconciled

any hostility

needs to be

dealt

with

with grace

by both

spouses

the wrongdoer

needs to

repent

and ask

for forgiveness

while the

wronged

needs to

choose

forgiveness

accept

their spouse's

repentance

and grow

in their

reliance

on Christ's

grace

to them

to be

their power

to forgive

to be

their power

to show

grace

there is

no

earning

back

love

in

marriage

according

to God

God's

plan

we are

to forgive

and confront

and or

repent

and ask

for forgiveness

and both

need to

humbly

pursue

reconciliation

Ephesians 4

Ephesians 4:2

verse 2

says

be

completely

humble

and gentle

be patient

bearing

with one

another

in love

growing

in humility

alongside

patience

and gentleness

both fruits

of the Holy

Spirit

is how

we grow

in grace

love

to bear

with

your own

sinful

self

and your

spouse

isn't

possible

without

humility

humility

now here

are two

warnings

really

briefly

don't

over

humiliate

yourself

into

self

loathing

you may

raise

your spouse's

opinion

of you

so highly

that you

never speak

the truth

of your

failures

or spend

your life

trying to

earn

their

forgiveness

even if

they offer

it freely

that is not

humility

that is the

fear of

losing

love

that

eats up

truth

and don't

under humble

yourself

into self

exaltation

either

even subtly

lowering your

spouse's value

below your

own

never really

giving your

love

that's not

humility

that is

pride

wielding

truth

that eats

up

love

see how

each side

need to

work together

here

instead

see yourself

rightly

through the

gospel

humiliated

and exalted

in Christ

we are

so

evil

and sinful

and flawed

that Jesus

had to die

for us

and

we are

so loved

that the

son of

God was

willing to

do that

he exalts

you

to his

place

with God

as

you achieve

nothing

to earn

it

a key

verse

in chapter

525

of Ephesians

says

Christ loved

the church

and gave

himself up

for her

it's the

ultimate

display

of humility

our sins

hurt Jesus

infinitely

more

then our

spouse's

sins

hurt us

yet Jesus

died

so we

could be

forgiven

and

so we

could

humbly

forgive

so see

yourself

and your

spouse

in light

of the

gospel

humbled

and exalted

in Christ

the goal

of grace

from spouse

to spouse

must be

revealed

in truth

and love

that humbles

both

in failure

and forgiveness

this

shared act

of humility

breaks apart

unresolved

sin

and lack

of love

to make

reconciliation

and healing

possible

even

inevitable

when we

fail each

other in

marriage

practice

sharing

truth

showing

love

and choosing

forgiveness

as you

embrace the

grace of

Christ

together

now you

might be in

this room

today and

you're not

yet married

or you're

no longer

married

but you

can carry

the blueprint

of this

a-frame house

of truth

and love

and grace

into any

friendship

any

relationship

life-giving

Christian

friendships

are built

off the

same

blueprints

and if you

aren't a

Christian

why not

consider

building your

marriage

with

Jesus

marriage is

better with

Jesus at the

heart of it

so consider

following

Jesus

such a

gracious

saviour

and rest

your life

on him

and if

you are

the lone

Christian

in your

marriage

or you're

in a

marriage

where your

spouse will

not participate

in truth

or love

or grace

take heart

your role

in your

marriage can

still bring

growth

as you

display the

grace of

Christ in

forgiving

as you

seek to

love your

spouse

as they

receive it

and as you

bravely share

the truth

with them

you display

the grace

and love

of the

truth

you display

the grace

and love

of the

truth

Christ

himself

to your

spouse

build what

you can

empowered

by Christ

who gave

himself up

for you

one day

Jesus told

the Pharisees

married

Christians

will join

him in

heaven

and marriage

will be

no more

married

or single

all who

love

Christ

more than

any other

will be

reunited

to him

as one

and until

then

a married

man and

woman

become

one flesh

our passage

today says

one flesh

in a

oneness

that is much

more than

just sex

which is often

what we think

that means

oneness

in Christian

marriage

grows

as spouses

fulfill their

roles

which Steve

is going to

talk about

next week

there we go

that's my

handball

of that

those spouses

grow

in their

oneness

in their

one flesh

together

as they

build an

a-frame

house

of truth

and love

and grace

in Christ

let's pray

heavenly

father we

need your

grace in

our lives

please

holy spirit

would you

grow us

so that we

may love

so that we

may share

truth

in love

help us

to be a

people

who display

the love

and grace

of Christ

we need

your help

in this

in our

marriages

in our

relationships

we thank

you that

you love

us

and that

you will

help us

in this

amen

to be

to be

to be

to be

a

!

to be