The Act of Marriage

Well, good morning, everyone. We're up to marriage number seven, marriage week number seven, that is.

! We've been spending several weeks unpacking these passages, these verses in Ephesians 5,

! and particularly unravelling the profound mystery of marriage, the mystery that is the gospel of Jesus Christ

and marriage between a man and a woman explain each other. As I've said a number of times, marriage is the ultimate human relationship,

but it is the penultimate relationship. It points to the eternal marriage of Christ and his church.

And we've seen that marriage is a public, legal, binding covenant between a man and a woman to share all of their life together,

in which their union, the differences in their union, in them as individuals made in the image of God,

they are equal and they complement one another, shaping each other, preparing each other for the ultimate and eternal marriage with Christ.

And so therefore, the practice of truth and love and grace are essential in terms of shaping that.

And so we're up to number seven of unpacking these verses, and you really can't have a series about marriage

without at least one message on sex, especially so because in the Bible, in the biblical ethic,

the marriage between a man and a woman is the only place which sex is to be practised.

And so that's what we're looking at today.

And if you've got the St. Paul's app, there's four points today.

Sex in the city, sex in the Bible, sex in marriage, and I was going to say sex in the future,

but let's just call it the glorious sex instead.

Okay, so let's jump into that.

We'll begin.

I want to look just very briefly at three broad attitudes to sex throughout history,

and they are very broad throughout culture and history.

The first one says that sex is really a natural appetite.

It's just a bodily function.

And this view suggests that sex, like eating, is a good and natural appetite that ought to be pursued.

And so you even see glimpses of this in 1 Corinthians, where Paul pushes back against that view.

The implication is that a person should always, therefore, be free to fulfil that appetite.

Whenever they get the appetite, they should fulfil it.

In fact, forbidding that natural appetite, the satisfaction of it, or even limiting it in any kind of way,

is as unhealthy as trying to stop eating for years.

And so in a culture that says, which we exist in our modern culture,

that the pursuit of pleasure is the greatest good, that is, it's the philosophy of hedonism.

You pursue pleasure in life.

That's why we exist.

My personal happiness and satisfaction is why I exist.

And sex being the ultimate sense of personal satisfaction and pleasure,

then therefore it should be pursued without any form of hindrance at all.

Now, we often identify this with the modern time,

but it's actually something that has deep historical roots way back in history.

Even into Greek philosophy.

The second view is one that's a bit more negative.

Sex is seen as a lower physical nature,

and it's distinct from a higher rational, more spiritual nature.

This too goes all the way back into Greek philosophy,

and you'll see this in 1 Corinthians as well.

And so therefore, this view generally sees sex as degrading.

It's a necessary evil to keep the human race going on,

but that's really it.

And in our modern day,

this is viewed broadly as the Christian view of sex,

that it's a necessary evil.

That's it.

And it would see that this is the Bible's view of sex as well.

Now, the third view, which is quite prominent in our society,

increasingly so since the sexual revolution in the 1960s,

the first view sees sex as an unavoidable drive.

The second sees it as a necessary evil,

and the third sees it as a critical form of personal identity and of self-expression.

Historically, in the various views of sex,

this one is a very, very modern concept.

It doesn't have historical roots.

It's very much a modern concept.

And that is,

sex, sexual expression,

is a way that you are to be yourself

and to find yourself.

And therefore,

sex in a physical sense

is primarily

for my individual,

physical fulfillment

and my self-discovery.

It's a core of who I am

and my self-expression.

Now, the modern sexual revolution

finds the idea of abstinence from sex

in any form

until marriage

to not just to be unrealistic,

but in fact to be ludicrous.

It is absolute insanity.

In fact, for many people,

it does psychological harm.

It's viewed as psychologically unhelpful

and unhealthy

to restrict yourself sexually,

expressing yourself sexually.

So that's,

you know,

sex in the city

and the third view

is very, very prominent

in our day and age.

So what is the Bible's view of sex then?

It is, in fact,

radically different.

The Bible, in fact,

does see,

radically different

and yet not entirely different.

The Bible actually does see

that sex is an appetite,

but not in the same category

that we might need

food or sleep.

Nor does the Bible view

any appetite

as something

that should be gratified

whenever we feel like it

as much as we like.

And that is pretty common wisdom

in our society.

Too many struggle

to discipline their eating

or their sleeping

because our appetites for food

and for sleep

is seriously out of line

with what our bodies really need.

Most of us would rather

be in bed right now.

That's the reality.

And when you have a buffet breakfast

put in front of you

at a hotel,

you want everything.

It's not just about

getting your money's worth.

You just want everything.

You want to have a crack at it all.

And so,

therefore,

it needs to be restricted.

And our sex drive

needs more boundaries

and discipline

because sex

does not just shape

my physical being,

it shapes our inner being

as well.

It shapes our heart.

Sex,

I'm sorry,

sin in our hearts

distorts our passions,

all of our passions,

our desires,

and especially so for sex.

Because sex

is for whole life self-giving.

That's its design by God.

That's its purpose.

It's designed

for whole life self-giving.

But the sin in the heart says,

I want it for selfish reasons.

And so,

the Bible puts many rules

around sex

to direct its use

in the right way

not

to diminish

pleasures in life,

but in order to protect us,

to shape our hearts.

And so,

the Bible does see it

as an appetite,

but with boundaries.

Neither does the Bible

see sex,

it certainly doesn't see sex

as dirty or demeaning

or degrading.

In fact,

the entire Bible

contradicts this view.

Biblical Christianity

is,

I would suggest,

the most

bodily positive religion

in the entire world.

It teaches

that God made matter.

He made

our physical bodies good.

And the greatest evidence

that it is so

body positive

is that God himself,

God the Son,

took on

human form.

And the promise

for those who trust in Jesus

is a future

in his presence

with perfect,

resurrected bodies

in a physical world.

The Christian hope

is physical.

The thing that we love

in this world

perfected and restored.

God the Lord.

And as we've seen

throughout this series,

God created sexuality

and gave a woman

and a man

to each other

in the very beginning.

The Bible

is not prudish

in any way.

It is pro-sex

in every way.

It contains

great love poetry

that celebrates

sexual passion

and pleasure.

love poetry

and love

Proverbs 5,

19.

Husbands are encouraged

to let their wives

breastfill them

with delight

and be intoxicated

by their sexual love.

Song of Songs

is another Old Testament book

that rejoices

in the delights

of sexual love

in marriage.

In

Song 5,

Song of Solomon 5:10–16

verses 10 to 16,

it is the wife

who candidly

expresses her physical attraction

towards her husband.

Now,

when you go there

and you read that,

I think virtually

every English translation

hesitates

in its translation

of the Hebrew.

Every one of them does.

The Hebrew

in there

is

what you would

describe as

scholars

as being

embarrassingly

erotic.

And most

translators,

frankly,

cannot bring themselves

to bring out

the obvious meaning

of those verses

which is

very clearly

of her

arousal

and her

preparation

for sex.

That's what's

happening in these

verses.

There's no

shame here.

I mean,

the translators

do it.

The translators

turn the lights

off and dim the lights

a little bit.

But there's no

shy,

shame,

turn the lights

down,

mechanical movement

under the sheets.

It is very clear

in the Hebrew

what's happening.

The two

are standing

before each other.

They are

round

and feeling

no shame

but only joy

in each other's

sexuality.

In other words,

if you haven't got it,

Song of Songs 5,

10 to 16

is foreplay

if you haven't

got that worked

out yet.

The Bible

is very

uncomfortable

for the

prudish.

The Bible

also doesn't

see sex

as being

primarily

about

individual

happiness

and fulfillment

but that

does not

mean that

sex

is not

about

joy

and pleasure

and fulfillment.

What the Bible

teaches us

is that

sex is

primarily

a way

of knowing

God

and building

community

and if you

use it

for those

things

rather

than for

your own

personal

satisfaction,

it will

lead

ultimately

to greater

fulfillment

than you

could ever

imagine.

The first

explicit

mention

of sex

in the

Bible

is

within

the

first

two

chapters,

Genesis

2.24

which Paul

quotes

in Ephesians

5 that

Mark just

read out

for us

where it

says

the male

and the

female

are united

to become

one

flesh.

Now

this is

referring

to

physical

and

primarily

a sexual

union

but it's

referring to

something much

greater as

well.

The word

flesh there

is a

figure of

speech

where it

says God

they become

one flesh.

It's a

figure of

speech

in which

a part

is used

to represent

the whole.

In other

words it

doesn't

mean

just

the

meat

and the

skin

and the

tendons

and stuff.

It's not

referring to

that in

terms of

flesh.

It's

referring to

a part

that represents

the whole.

In the same

way if I

said to

you hey

would someone

just duck

out and

count heads

for me

out in

kids

church?

Literally

what I

mean by

that is

I want

you to

get how

many

people

are

out

there.

Not

how many

heads

are

out

there.

Joel

Joel 2:28

chapter 2

verse

28

helps us

understand

what it

means when

it says

here one

flesh.

God

promises to

pour out

his spirit

on all

flesh.

Now that

doesn't mean

that when

God pours out

his spirit

it's just

for our

bodies

that's it.

Just

giving it

to the

meat

and the

tendons.

Genesis 2

and Ephesians

5 is

saying that

marriage is

a union

between two

people so

profound

that they

virtually become

a new

single

person.

The two

become one.

The marriage

covenant

and we've

unpacked this

already.

the marriage

covenant

brings

every

aspect

of two

persons'

lives

together

where they

essentially

merge

into a

single

legal

social

economic

union

where they

lose

much of

their

independence.

In love

they donate

themselves

wholly

to the

other.

To call

the marriage

one flesh

then

means that

sex is

understood

as both

a sign

of the

covenant

commitment

of the

personal

commitment

of the

legal

union

and

it's

also

a means

to

accomplish

it.

It's

also a

means to

accomplish

the

oneness.

And that's

why

with the

biblical

ethic

of

sex

it's

very

clear

the

Bible

says

do not

unite

with

someone

physically

unless

you are

also

willing

to

unite

with

the

person

emotionally

personally

socially

economically

and

legally

legally

don't

become

physically

naked

and

vulnerable

to the

other

person

without

becoming

vulnerable

in

every

way

because

you have

given up

your freedom

and bound

yourself to

them

legally

personally

vulnerably

in

marriage

and the

Bible

says

that

to

protect

us

to

protect

us

see once

you have

given

yourself

in

marriage

sex

is a

way of

maintaining

and deepening

that union

as the

years go

by

in

the

Old

Testament

when

God

formed

covenant

relationship

with

people

he

directed

them

to

periodically

for

them

to

remember

the

covenant

relationship

and

all of

its

terms

of the

covenant

relationship

by

reading

the

covenant

together

and

then

recommitting

themselves

to the

covenant

relationship

and

what

God

says

is

you

don't

just

need

the

covenant

you

need

covenant

ceremonies

to

remind

yourself

and to

recommit

yourself

to

that

covenant

and

it

was

crucial

the

recommitment

ceremonies

were crucial

if they

were to

sustain

a life

of

faithfulness

to the

covenant

and

the

same

is with

the

marriage

covenant

when

you get

married

you make

a

solemn

covenant

with

your

spouse

and

as

time

goes

by

with

all

the

ups

and

downs

and

the

complexities

of

life

there

is

a

need

to

rekindle

the

heart

and

to

renew

the

covenant

and

sex

between

a

husband

and

a

wife

is

God's

unique

way

to

do

that

sex

is

God's

appointed

way

for

two

people

to

reciprocally

if you

like

say to

each

other

I

belong

completely

permanently

exclusively

to

you

and

that's

why the

Bible

says you

must not

use

sex to

say

anything

less

than

that

because

it's

not

designed

to say

anything

less

than

that

sex

and

that's

why the

Bible

says

that a

covenant

is

necessary

for

sex

it

creates

a

place

of

security

for

the

vulnerability

and

for

the

intimacy

a

marriage

covenant

is

necessary

for

sex

and

sex

is

necessary

for

the

maintenance

of

the

covenant

I'm

not

sure

you've

ever

thought

about

sex

before

as

being

a

covenant

renewal

service

the

Bible

does

not

teach

sex

sexual

abstinence

before

marriage

because

it has

a low

view

or a

degraded

view

of

sex

it

teaches

it

because

it

has

the

highest

view

of

sex

imaginable

it's

because

of

God's

design

and

purpose

for

sex

that

it

teaches

us

that

sex

outside

of

marriage

is

not

just

morally

wrong

but

it's

actually

personally

harmful

if

sex

is

designed

to be

part

of

making

a

covenant

and

experiencing

that

covenant

renewal

connected

to

to

another

person

even

when

it's

used

wrongly

and

so

the

damage

begins

as we

give

ourselves

away

even

if that's

not

we think

that's

what we're

doing

even

if you

are not

married

you may

find yourself

very quickly

feeling

marriage like

ties

to the

person

that you

have just

had

physical

union

with

feeling

that the

other

person

has

obligations

to you

in some

way

because

you've

had

sex

but

they

have

no

legal

social

or

moral

responsibility

even

to

call

you

back

the

next

morning

or

even

to

be

there

for

breakfast

and

this

leads

to

jealousy

and

hurt

feelings

and

obsessiveness

if

two

people

are

having

sex

but

they're

not

married

it

makes

breaking

up

vastly

harder

!

than

it

should

be

and

it

leads

many

people

to

stay

trapped

in

relationships

that

are

not

good

because

of

feelings

that

they

have

connected

themselves

to

this

person

sex

outside

of

marriage

eventually

works

backwards

to the

point

where it

makes

you

less

able

to

commit

and

trust

another

human

being

so

that's

the

biblical

sex

ethic

and

the

high

view

so

what

does

that

mean

for

sex

in

marriage

we

should

not

be

surprised

that

given

that

view

that

various

passages

instruct

marriage

couples

to enjoy

sex

and to

do

so

frequently

1

Corinthians

7

is one

of those

classic

passages

Paul

speaks

with real

clarity

about

sex

in

marriage

the

husband

should

fulfill

his

marital

duty

to

his

wife

and

likewise

the

wife

to

her

husband

the

wife's

body

does

not

belong

to

her

alone

but

also

to

her

husband

in

the

same

way

the

husband's

body

does

not

belong

to

him

alone

but

also

to

his

wife

do

not

deprive

each

other

except

for

mutual

consent

and

for

a

time

now

bear

in

mind

that

when

those

words

were

written

by

Paul

this

is a

time

when

women

were

considered

culturally

the

possessions

of

their

husbands

and

it

was

the

woman

who

was

bound

exclusively

to

a

husband

but

the

husbands

were

encouraged

to

express

themselves

sexually

culturally

with

whoever

and

in

fact

you

often

did

not

have

sexual

relations

with

your

wife

except

for

procreation

and

it

was

the

servants

the

mistresses

that

the

man

of

the

house

would

more

frequently

have

sexual

relationship

with

and so

it's

profound

what

Paul

says

here

profound

don't

miss

it

the

husband's

body

does

not

belong

to him

alone

but

also

to

the

wife

that's

the

sexual

biblical

ethic

each

partner

is to

be

primarily

concerned

with

giving

sexual

pleasure

not

receiving

it

and

in fact

the

greatest

sexual

pleasure

should

be

the

pleasure

of

seeing

your

spouse

getting

pleasure

and

when

you

get

to

the

place

in

your

marriage

marriage

where

giving

arousal

is the

most

arousing

thing

you're

actually

practicing

the

principle

of

1

Corinthians

7

now

just to clarify and get a little bit more details here, I'm not talking about performance.

That primarily, if you were here earlier on the series, I talked about the world's view of

marriage and being primarily about attraction, physical attraction. What drives in that moment

is that sexual relationships ultimately come about performance. You know, have the sex act

and you're thinking, did I do okay? Do you feel great? And if you go, oh no, actually,

the previous guy was better, you feel deflated and your identity's wrapped up in it.

It's all about performance. And so when I'm talking about arousal here and giving of self

and pleasure, I'm not talking, you know, is every time an orgasm. I'm not talking about

that at all. I mean, for you and married, for those who are married, just start trying

to simply love the other insects. Just love each other. That's it. Stop worrying about

what you are getting and start working on what you can do to just give. Give.

Now, this also, I think, 1 Corinthians addresses the typical problem that many couples experience

in marriage at various points in relationship where one person wants more sex than the other

one does. And if your main purpose in sex is giving pleasure, not getting pleasure, then

a person who doesn't have as much of a sex drive physically can, in fact, give the other person

pleasure as a gift. It's a gift. That's what Paul's instructing here in 1 Corinthians 7.

And according to this, in 1 Corinthians 7, it is a legitimate act of love, according to Paul.

It's a gift to give. It's a gift to give. It's not a requirement you can demand. It's a gift to give.

Don't buy into the lie that says unless you're going to be all passionate, then you can't do it.

Do it as a gift to each other.

Now, related to this are the differences that many spouses experience over what is the most satisfying

context for sex. Now, of course, this is not universal, but it might be.

But for males, context means very little. Really, all you really need is pretty much time,

any time, any place, anywhere, you know, like, to just, that's the male context for sex.

The blind side to this means that us blokes can be oblivious to something that is more important

to our wives. And that means the need for preparing for sex emotionally.

I don't mean by that flowers and candles, although it might mean that.

But preparing for sex emotionally, conversation, connection.

We must, either way, what we need to understand with our differences,

we need to be very patient with each other.

However, the Bible gives such a very high view of sex.

It is a sign and a seal of our oneness with each other and with God.

And that is why sexual intimacy will often be the very first sign of problems in a marriage relationship.

Sex is such a great and a sensitive thing that you're not able to just sweep your problems,

under the bedsheets.

It will be there.

Unless your marriage relationship is in good condition,

sex doesn't work.

A lack of sexual intimacy may be a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship.

It is often the case that if those problems are addressed,

then what happens is that sexual intimacy starts to improve.

That is, if you go to a counsellor wanting help with your sexual relationship,

they don't draw pictures, they don't help you with techniques,

they help you connect and understand.

A fundamental rule of marriage is that over time you'll be married to many spouses,

even if it's the same person you're being married to the whole time,

because of the change and the shift.

There's time, children, illness, age.

It brings its changes and its challenges.

And if we don't confront and adapt to those changes and those challenges,

they will ultimately erode our sex life.

Without joyful, loving sex, the friction in a relationship,

a marriage relationship, will often bring anger, resent,

hardness and disappointment,

rather than sex being a commitment glue that holds you together,

it can become actually a force to divide you.

And so my encouragement for you is to never give up on your sex life.

If you're married, that is.

Caveat there in case I haven't been clear previously.

Which brings me to the final point.

And the purpose of it and the glory of it.

Sex make wonderful bedfellows, but they make terrible gods.

Sex is not God.

Marriage is not God.

God is God.

And sex in the covenant of marriage is part of God's great plan.

It is a plan, part of his plan to sanctify us

and to point us to the rapturous delight of the ultimate marriage in the future.

Of the ultimate union between Christ and his church.

A moment ago, I mentioned Song of Songs 5.

It's candid description of the erotic love in marriage

and particularly the description of the woman and her arousal at the man.

And what is remarkable about that,

scholars will tell you that it is,

that those words in Song of Songs 5 are highly unusual.

Highly unusual.

In ancient texts.

Because Song of Songs is primarily the woman speaking to the man.

That's highly unusual in ancient texts.

It's usually the man speaking about the woman's features.

And in Song of Songs, it's her voice which is dominant.

She's the one who seeks.

She's the one who pursues.

She's the one who initiates.

Highly unusual.

And there are only a couple of ancient texts still in existence today.

Only a couple.

Out of all that would be expressing the physical features of another human being,

there's only a couple in the world in existence in all ancient texts

where it's the woman describing the man's body.

And Song of Songs 5, 10 to 16 is the clearest of them.

And this is therefore the only description in the Bible

where a woman describes the man's body in detail.

The physical features of the man.

Only other one.

Except for one.

In the book of Revelation.

Revelation 1, Revelation 19 where we read the symbolic bodily descriptions

of the resurrected, ascended, glorified and reigning Jesus.

That is the woman's erotic, candid, joyful, rapturous description

of her lover in Song of Songs 5.

Her arousal.

Her passion to be united with him.

Is meant to point us to Jesus.

It's meant to point us to the gospel.

It's meant to point us to the cross.

And that's why for centuries biblical scholars have said that Song of Songs is ultimately about

the love and the union between Jesus Christ and his church.

And so as we read Song of Songs 5, I mean, there might be some wives here who, well, that's my husband.

Not when I look around the room necessarily or myself in the mirror.

But we're meant to see Jesus as the one who is altogether lovely, our beloved, our friend.

Song of Songs 5.16.

Jesus is lovely in his person, in his glory, in his majesty, in his resurrection, in his ascension, in his grace, in his power, in his wisdom, in his pardon, and in his selfless incarnation and death.

Jesus is the epitome of self-denial and self-giving.

And John 17 tells us that from all of eternity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have been adoring and glorifying each other, living in high devotion to each other, pouring love and joy and pleasure into each other's hearts continually.

And God made man and woman and brought them together to be one flesh, to represent that, to reflect, and in sex, to reflect the joyous, the self-giving, and the pleasure and the love of God that exists in the very life of the Trinity for all of eternity.

Sex is glorious, not only because it reflects the joy and pleasure in the Trinity, but also because it points us to eternal delight, joy, pleasure of love that we will have in heaven in all our relationships with God and each other.

This is not in your notes.

This is not in your notes.

But husband and wife, next time you have sex and you go, well, that was good, you say, my union with Christ is going to be even more spectacular.

More pleasurable, more fulfilling, more joyous.

And unlike this moment, which I will forget in a couple of minutes, let's say half an hour,

the presence of Christ will be eternal.

It will never end.

Every physical orgasm points to the ultimate spiritual orgasm that will never end.

According to Ephesians 5, Christian marriage should look like crucifixion, where selfless love and selfless submission collide.

It's where both husband and wife can say, God has given me a lover who preaches to me every day the gospel,

a spouse who sings to me the story of our salvation, of God having reconciled selflessness through his selfless son for my pleasure and joy.

And the best Christian marriages are pointers to that deep, infinite, fulfilling and final union we will have with Christ in love.

Let's pray.

We praise you, God of love, creator of the universe.

We praise you, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, one person, one God in three persons, for making us to reflect you as male and female.

We thank you for giving us the gift of marriage to display the union we have with you through the saving work of Jesus.

We pray for those whom you have joined in marriage.

That they may know your presence in all the joys and the sorrows.

Amen.

Deepen their love for each other and sustain them in their covenant commitment until they are parted by death

and come into all the rapturous joys and pleasures of your eternal embrace at the great feast of the Lamb.

Speed the day, we pray.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

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