The Unmarried & Marriage

Friends, I just want us to go back to COVID-19 era, sorry, and think about what was it that you were watching on Netflix, on Stan or whatever it is.

One of the shows that I kept watching that kept popping up in 2020 were many home and renovation shows.

One of my favourites was Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.

What a joy.

All the shows like that that I was watching were similar in that singles families were looking at making their home more usable, maybe more aesthetic, more homey, a space for their future grandkids, maybe a guest room.

And Marie Kondo's show was all about tidying and decluttering your place.

And one of the episodes was a story of a recent widow who said this.

The kids have moved out, I've lost my husband, and I'm alone now.

And so she gets Marie to help her through the grief and the loss of her husband as she navigates making a home for herself,

dealing with the belongings of her recently beloved past husband.

But is that not the experience that we are all as individuals, as families trying to do?

That in different seasons of our life, we have all sensed this need to change and transform our homes,

the amount of bedrooms that we need, our plans for the spare bedroom changes,

and our homes have this ability to dictate our reality.

Like the newlywed couple that's moved to a three-bed hour to expand their family in the future.

It's the empty nesters who've downsized their living.

For many people, the deepest longing that we have is to make home, to make family.

And for the newly single widow, she was trying to recalibrate who she was

and what does that look like to make home for herself now that she was recently widowed.

She's found herself sick again, herself single again.

Her husband got sick.

She did not expect to be single as a mother or as a grandmother.

And so what did that mean day by day?

And what was her home like now?

And as we've been speaking about marriage the last few months,

we know it would be remiss of us not to talk about singleness.

Because did you know roughly 40% of St. Paul's are actually not married?

In and beyond the church, there are some singles who are single at a choice.

There are some who are longing to be in a relationship but are not.

They've longed and are longing to have children.

There are those who've been widowed and those who've had past marriages.

And see, the goal for us in all the seasons of our life here is that wherever you are on that journey,

I believe that this passage will help you find home.

Maybe not to literally clear out your home and make room for a new person in your home,

but that God actually has a greater and beautiful vision of home than what you imagine your home and your family to be.

And I want us to feel the sense of home in our inner being, regardless if you are single or married.

In the past, single people have often been posed as people that must have been something wrong with them.

We see it in that terms of spinster or the Simpsons crazy cat lady.

There must be something about them which is the reason why they are still single.

Yet in today's culture, we're starting to see this resurgence of singleness.

We see the current headlines, singleness has peaked.

Single women are thriving in 2025.

And this headline that made me chuckle is having a boyfriend embarrassing now.

You know, singleness has almost given this new marketing spiel that to be single is to be free and not held down.

And I was talking with another friend of mine who said that they wanted to be single instead of in a relationship

so that they didn't need to be involved in all the drama.

But how is singleness viewed in the church?

Danny Trawick, author of Single Ever After, said of singleness in the modern day church.

In today's evangelical church, marriage and parenthood sits on a pedestal.

They are typically held out as the highest good and goal of the Christian life.

And this leaves us thinking of singleness as either a season of preparation before real life begins,

a very rare exception for some specially empowered few, or just a tragic reality.

I remember at a youth group hangout at my old church, all the guys were talking about looking for a partner,

wanting to be married one day, and almost all of them, including the male leaders,

said that humans were made not to be single.

They never said it word for word, but there was this implied idea that if a Christian was single,

they would be unformed, immature in their faithful life.

And I said, how about Jesus?

Wasn't Jesus single?

And the reason why I'm so glad to unpack this passage is because I remember sharing that very night

that this passage shows God's beautiful picture of singleness.

So let's pray.

Lord Jesus, we thank you that you yourself are an example of a man who was single,

who lived a pure and perfect life.

We thank you that you've given us this wonderful passage.

And we ask that we might receive peace, joy, clarity, and understanding as we read this passage.

Make it transform us to be more alive and live more truer to how you made us to live

than we have ever been before.

Amen.

The first point I want to talk about is that the idea of this gift of singleness.

I've often heard this statement being said in the church, quoting this passage,

sounding something like, some have the gift of singleness and some don't.

And they get it from earlier verses that I didn't get John to read.

But if you just look at that 10 verses before, in verse 7 to 8, Paul says on the screen as well,

I wish that all of you were as I am.

Paul is single.

And I agree with the statement that some have the gift of singleness.

I agree to the extent that you who are married in this room do not have the gift of singleness.

And all you who are single do have the gift of singleness.

Because the gift of singleness is a gift of the season of singleness,

as the gift of marriage is the gift of the season of marriage.

The gift that Paul talks about is not a special spiritual gift that the Lord gives to some believers and not others.

It's not like he's given some people the ability to sing and others not.

We suddenly make out that the gift of singleness is for those who have this extraordinary power

to remain single and celibate, almost like you need some kind of booster shot injection.

And if you don't have that, then the rest of us who don't have it just have to wrestle through it.

But you see, the call that Paul makes here is that both married and unmarried, prior to this, is to be self-controlled.

And that doesn't change whether you are single or whether you are married.

You see, the season of singleness that you might find yourself in is a gift.

It's not just a training course for the real deal.

Singleness in itself, struggling or joyful, is a legitimate, beautiful gift from God.

And you might ask, how can singleness be a gift if it draws such deep pain and loneliness?

Because there are dear friends of mine who I know have long to be married and haven't found that day.

How is it a gift?

I want to share from Elizabeth Elliot, a missionary who was widowed three times,

one of whom, her first husband, was a missionary who went to a country and that country killed him.

And she still decided to be a missionary to that country.

She talks about this in Let Me Be a Woman.

After being widowed three times, she says,

Having now spent more than 41 years single, I have learnt that it is indeed a gift.

Not one I would choose.

Not one many women would choose.

But we do not choose our gifts, remember?

We are given them by a divine giver who knows the end from the beginning

and wants above all else to give us the gift of himself.

In 1 Corinthians 7 verse 17, it says,

1 Corinthians 7:17

Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them,

just as God has called them.

You see, the verb should live here is best translated as retaining or grasping hold of,

in other words, embracing the season of life that the Lord has assigned.

And if you were to play reverse on this verse, you might actually say,

Don't hurry leaving the situation that the Lord has placed you in.

And when you hear that, you go,

Well, it sounds well and good until you reach that rut in your current stage of life.

And you start to think that the grass is greener elsewhere,

or the past was rosier than today.

You know, some parents will remember how good the baby days were

before their kids could speak and talk back.

Or some wish their children who have moved out

until they realise how they don't like the quiet home anymore.

And it's often in retrospect that we understand what God is and was doing in any season.

That God has been doing it for your good and his glory.

And so we should always be asking in every season,

What is the Lord teaching thee?

What is he teaching me through this?

How is Jesus showing up to thee in this present crisis?

Because we're called to remember that the Lord has assigned your season of life that you are in.

Don't miss out on what God is doing in this season.

Because he is indeed doing something.

He is changing you.

He is working for your good and his glory.

And that's not to say what Paul is saying.

He's not saying,

If you wish to pursue marriage,

if you want to change jobs,

if you want to move country,

it's the wrong decision.

Paul himself recognises that while he might embrace singleness and what it affords,

he does not by any means illegitimise marriage as a God-honouring decision.

Verse 28.

But if you do not marry,

you have not sinned.

But you see,

for Paul,

there is something that matters

much more than your marital,

your work,

your geographic status,

where you live.

There is something that is primary

beyond your season of life.

He's saying to the year 12 student,

You are more than just a number.

He's saying to the office worker,

You are more than a set of KPIs.

There is something that has happened for the Christian

in their circumstances

that is greater than whether you got married or whether you're not.

The gospel is better news for the Christian

than what the world has to offer.

In verse 22,

do you notice,

a Christian is the Lord's freed person.

They belong to Christ.

That you were bought at a price.

You see,

for the struggling single person

who has had failed date after failed date

and rejection after rejection,

Do you know there's a God who sees you?

Do you know that Jesus has bought you

at the price of his blood?

Was he himself that was rejected by you and me

and then by his own father

as he took on the sin and scorn and shame on the cross

and said,

Elo, Elo,

lama sabachthani,

my God,

my God,

why have you forsaken me?

And he doesn't see you as broken.

He holds you with worth and dignity

because your primary status

is not your marital status,

but that you belong to the Lord.

Friends,

there is this wonderful confession of faith

called the Heidelberg Catechism,

like our creeds that we say,

that begins with the question,

what is the only comfort in life and death?

And what's the answer?

The answer is that I am not my own,

but belong body and soul in life and in death

to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.

Because I belong to him,

Christ by his Holy Spirit

assures me of eternal life.

Because belonging to Christ,

your status in Jesus,

secures a future status.

And this is what Paul reiterates himself in verse 29.

What I mean,

what he really means

about his desire for married and unmarried

is to remember,

brothers and sisters,

that the time is short.

The time is short.

That life on this earth

is soon going to end like the sand

reaching the bottom of an hourglass.

It will be finished.

And so Paul suggests this as his reason to be single.

Verse 32,

I would like you to be free from concern.

An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs,

how he can please the Lord.

But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world,

how he can please his wife,

and his interests are divided.

An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs.

Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

And then verse 35,

I am saying this for your own good,

not to restrict you,

but that you may live in a right way

in undivided devotion to the Lord.

See,

Paul is recognizing

an earthly reality

that come with having families,

having dependents,

and that single people

have a unique opportunity

to be freed from that.

And I know many families

and many parents,

those who are married,

those who have children or not,

recognize

that there is

a reality

that there are burdens

that have come

uniquely

because of their

deep love for another,

whether that is

the loss of a spouse,

whether that is

caring for

dependents.

And as much as they love that gift,

it is also hard.

And so Paul is saying

that perhaps

for someone who is single,

that there is something unique

in that gift

for you to embrace.

And one gift

I want you to consider

is single friends.

Have you ever considered

that your very present

season of life

is a glimpse

of eternity

that your married friends

cannot reflect?

In Matthew 22,

Matthew 22:30

verse 30,

Jesus says about

marriage in heaven,

at the resurrection,

people will neither marry

nor be given in marriage.

They will be

like angels

in heaven.

You see,

what we've been

pushed by Steve

and Nick,

is married people

can reflect

the marriage

of the Lord

and his church.

But you,

as a single person,

can uniquely show us

what it might look like

to live in the new creation

in a way that married people

cannot

when our hearts

will be fully devoted

to the Lord.

married people.

And so,

you and married people,

you are called

to live as though

you are home

with Jesus.

Do you guys see it?

It's not actually

marital status

that will determine

whether you will be

a blessing to the church

in God's kingdom.

Your devotion to God

depends on where

you set your gaze.

Where is the home

that you are building?

Despite what Paul says

about single people

living for the Lord,

you can be unmarried

and Christian

and live with your

personal dreams

and ambitions

and not have the Lord

shape your interests.

But you could also

be married with kids

and be insular

in your own family.

It's where you choose

to make your own home.

Paul's saying,

you are not bound

by this earth.

Married people.

Paul says in verse 28

that your marital status

should not trump

your future status

because you see,

the good news of Jesus

extends the meaning

of your earthly time.

The good news of Jesus

says that he's redeeming

the parts of your marriage

and pushing you

and sanctifying you

so that on the day

that Jesus returns,

you will be able

to stand at the gaze

of the Lord Jesus

and say,

and hear the words,

well done,

good and faithful servant,

alongside your spouse

who you together

have spurred one another

into living for Jesus.

It's for the single person

to know their investment

in discipling,

their investment

in caring for people

has not gone in vain

because they will see

their crown and joy

in heaven.

Instead,

friends,

you've got a home

with Jesus.

He's preparing

a home for you.

He's making room

for you.

And so married

and unmarried,

live as though

you are home

with Jesus.

But how should we

see marriage?

You see,

Paul does not look down

on one or the other

that we might do

subconsciously.

We might read

this passage

and go,

wow,

Paul's really

amping up singleness.

He must be really

anti-marriage.

Paul being pro-single

does not mean

he is anti-marriage.

We've literally

seen him speak

about for the last

many weeks

in Ephesians 5,

both are good.

He says singleness

is a gift.

He says marriage

is a gift.

And as Danny

has said,

often in the church,

marriage has been

put on this highest

order or goal

for the Christian

that we may subvert

in our heads

and assume that

if one has not

been married,

that they are not

mature as Christians

as others.

And sometimes

it's often because

we hear married people

often share how God

has used marriage

to edify and sanctify

them to grow them

in maturity.

But that doesn't

discount the fact

that there are many

people who are single

out of obedience

to the Lord.

They won't stand

for marrying

a non-Christian.

They want to embrace

God's wisdom

about marriage

and sexuality.

That's a man

or woman.

You see,

that's godly

who's mature

and faithful.

And so in the same

way that these

are both gifts

that grow us

for maturity,

both have its

challenges.

You see,

Steve has spoken

about the challenges

in marriage,

but they exist

for the single person

too in immense

but sometimes

quiet ways.

I had an extroverted

friend who lived

alone who was envied

by their friends

and colleagues

for being single

during COVID

and understandably

it's because

they didn't,

like they had

to deal with Zoom

at school,

they didn't have

the kids 24-7

while they were

working and living

but the thing

for them is

they hated isolation.

They hated it.

They didn't get

to see their grandkids,

they didn't get

to hug anyone,

they didn't get

to have those

physical conversations

because there was

no one at home.

They are all

challenges,

they're just

different.

And so our vision

of singleness

and marriage

should therefore

be like this.

It's two sides

of the same coin,

both with ways

that mirror

the faithfulness

to Christ

and both

that uniquely

show a glimpse

of what it is

like to be

in heaven.

And so,

friends,

I want to ask you,

have you ever

considered

that side-by-side

married and

unmarried people

can be mutually

beneficial for

our community?

Not when they are

siloed with only

married people

being friends

and the unmarried

and childless

having another group,

but when they love

and serve

and commit to being

the family of God

that they have been

called to be.

Here are a few

things that I've seen

in our community

or others

or things that I'd

love to see more of

where singleness

and marriage together

has been such

a beautiful thing.

Number one,

when there's space

given to single

people to come

over when the

quiet is too much,

inviting single

and childless couples

to be surrogate

aunties and uncles

to their kids,

not excluding

single friends

from their

multifamily holidays,

being a trusted

adult when mum

and dad become

a bit too

annoyed.

Friends,

to the married

and the unmarried,

what does living

now like

you are home

with Jesus?

What does it look

like?

Because

isn't that

the beautiful thing

about the gospel

is that it brings

family?

That other

Christians are

your brothers

and sisters

as Paul keeps

and reminding

the church?

And if you're

still someone

who's searching

who Jesus is

but you think

there's something

beautiful and

attractive of this

radical sense of

community,

I'd love to chat

with you.

Single friends,

it's not wrong

for you to want

to make home

on this life,

to be married.

Your desires

are not wrong

but remember

there is a greater

home being prepared

for you.

Remember that

however long

that season of

singleness is,

you have been

uniquely positioned

to point others

to your home

in heaven.

Married friends,

if you want

to witness

to your single

friends,

embrace them

into your lives

and have your

marriage be a

mirror that

reflects the

love of Christ

and the church

so visible

that your

Christian single

friends will feel

welcome in that

love and that

they are willing

to pursue their

cross to bear

to.

If you've been

longing to be

married but have

chosen time after

time to be

faithful to God

rather than

disobeying his

law, thank you

for being a

witness and

standing firm.

If you're a

same-sex attracted

Christian who has

decided to walk

the narrow path

of faithful

obedience in

seeing God's

beautiful picture

of marriage

marriage and

decide to be

celibate,

hold firm to

his promises

and know his

ever-present

help.

But I want to

say specifically

to those of you

in the room who

have been married

and you have

been sitting

here in this

room, sermon

after sermon,

and if you

loved this

beautiful picture

of marriage and

you wished that

your last marriage

shared that

picture, but

maybe you have

some regrets on

how you entered

the relationship,

not trusting in

God's beautiful

picture of what

marriage should

look like as a

Christian, and

you found yourself

single once again.

I want you to

look at John 4.

We see Jesus

speak to a

Samaritan woman.

It's a story that

many of you know

because a Samaritan

woman in this

case is someone

who had multiple

marriages and in

fact is a

prostitute.

And Jesus,

despite knowing

her, goes with

purpose and

presence.

He, despite

knowing all her

sins and

brokenness, doesn't

withhold himself

but offers living

water.

And the Lord

Jesus comes to

you with the

same purpose

and presence

and says, I

know what you've

been through, and

he loves you

still and has

prepared a home

for you, that

you too can

live as though

you are home

with Jesus.

Thank you.