When Helping Hurts

Good morning. My name is Matthew Capone, and I'm the pastor here at Cheyenne Mountain Presbyterian Church,

and it's my joy to bring God's Word to you today.

This morning, we're going to be in Proverbs chapter 6, continuing our series this summer in the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 6 · chapter mention

And you'll remember that the book of Proverbs is a book about wisdom, and wisdom is skill in the art of living.

Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord, and wisdom continues with humility,

that we have to be people who are willing to learn, who recognize we don't know everything,

and we're open to being taught by God in His Word.

As we come to Proverbs chapter 6, you may know Jesus has a lot of things to say about helping other people.

Proverbs 6 · chapter mention

For example, in Matthew chapter 22, He tells us the sum of the law is to love God and to love others.

Matthew 22 · chapter mention

And in fact, He tells us that we should love our neighbors as ourselves.

And then in Matthew chapter 5, He tells us if someone asks you to go one mile with them, you should go two miles.

Matthew 5 · chapter mention

And if someone asks you for your tunic, if they sue you for your tunic, give them that, and then give them your cloak as well.

In other words, you should be looking to help other people and to aid them,

which raises a question, when do we not help people?

What are the limits on Jesus' words there?

How do we know wise ways to help other people and unwise ways?

How can we help others grow in wisdom?

What are ways that we end up helping others be foolish?

We're going to be looking at that with Proverbs chapter 6 when it comes to our money.

Proverbs 6 · chapter mention

And so we'll jump in right now.

I invite you to turn with me in your Bible.

You'll find it printed near the very end of your worship guide.

Of course, you can find it on your phone.

But wherever you read it, remember that this is God's word.

And Proverbs chapter 30, verse 5, tells us that every word of God proves true.

Proverbs 30:5

He's a shield to those who take refuge in Him.

And so that's why we read now, starting at verse 1.

My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, have given your pledge for a stranger,

if you are snared in the words of your mouth, caught in the words of your mouth,

then do this, my son, and save yourself.

For you have come into the hand of your neighbor.

Go, hasten, and plead urgently with your neighbor.

Give your eyes no sleep and your eyelids no slumber.

Save yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter,

like a bird from the hand of the fowler.

I invite you to pray with me now as we come to this portion of God's word.

Our Father in heaven, we thank you that you give us instruction,

not just in spiritual matters, in our relationship with you.

You give us instruction in practical matters.

I saw last week that you give us instructions when it comes to our sexuality and our bodies.

And this week, you give us instruction when it comes to how we manage our money,

especially when it comes to helping others.

So we thank you that you haven't left us to figure out life on our own,

but you've given us your word.

We ask that you would use your word this morning to make us wiser than we were before.

And as we grow in wisdom, we would look and see Jesus as the one who teaches it to us,

and we'd see him as more beautiful and glorious than we saw him before.

And we ask these things in the mighty name of Jesus.

Amen.

There's a woman named Michelle Singletary,

and she's a well-known financial columnist.

She writes money advice.

She writes for the Washington Post,

which growing up outside Washington, D.C.,

that was the paper often that we would receive as a family,

but she syndicated in other newspapers as well.

And she wrote an article back in 2016 in June

warning against the dangers of co-signing for other people's loans.

Now, as part of her column,

she receives pushback,

so people will send her stories about, you know,

why she's wrong in the advice that she gives.

And sometimes she'll run an article with that feedback.

Hey, I gave you this advice,

and here's kind of the other side of the story.

Well, when she ran this article about not co-signing loans,

the next month, in July, she ran another article.

She said,

usually I receive pushback,

but this time around,

I received mostly stories confirming everything that I told you.

I received stories confirming the danger of co-signing loans.

And so she shared a couple of those stories.

One, a man had co-signed a loan for a woman he was dating.

It had a terrible end to their relationship.

And now, 10 years after the fact,

he was still receiving notices every time her payments were late.

He then went on to,

she went on to share a story

about someone who co-signed a loan on student loans.

This person was promised they'd only be co-signed for a little bit,

and they'd be replaced by the person's father.

They had a similar experience.

They're receiving calls when this person's late on their payments.

It's a substantial amount.

And one of these individuals realized when they went to buy a home

that this credit was counted against them.

So they had a harder time procuring credit

than they would have had otherwise.

And then she shares a horror story near the end

about someone who co-signed a loan on a car,

thinking they were doing a favor for a neighbor.

However, they didn't realize they were also being signed

onto the deed of the car.

And so when this person failed to pay the insurance payments,

they were the ones receiving calls about that.

And the registration wasn't done correctly.

They were receiving calls about that.

This individual ended up paying all the fines for the car

and, I believe, at one point had to go to court.

She points out the first two stories.

Both readers asked the same question,

how in the world can I get removed from these loans?

And I tell you this story because it's telling us

the exact same thing we're being told in Proverbs 6.

Do not put up security for other people.

And, like these readers, if you do,

do whatever you can to get out of it.

So first, we're told not to do it.

That's in verses 2 through 5.

It's compared to a snare in verse 2 or trap.

And then in verse 5, it's compared to a trap again.

You have to save yourself like you're someone being hunted.

Now, the word surety is used here, putting up security.

And basically what would have happened in the Old Testament

is you would have said,

okay, this other person is going to receive a loan

and I'm going to give you a piece of my property

or you can claim my property if they don't pay.

I'm going to be the one who's going to guarantee the loan.

Of course, the problem is

if they don't pay the loan,

then your property gets taken.

Now, today we could talk about sureties.

It doesn't work quite the same way.

The most common instance is the one here

that this woman warns about.

And it's this common instance of cosigning on a loan.

Someone tells you, hey, I need this loan.

All I need you to do is sign.

I'm going to make all the payments.

You don't need to worry about it.

You're just going to really help me out and do me a solid.

A warning, though, here is the same thing

that these readers experience.

So verses 2 and 5 tells us how terrible it is.

And then verses 3 and 4 tell us what to do.

If you find yourself in this sort of situation,

get out of it.

Get out of it as soon as possible.

Don't let yourself sleep, is what we're told,

until you're able to remove yourself from this situation.

Because you know, as the author of Proverbs is telling you,

as this woman warns in her column,

this is a trap.

This is a great way

to find yourself making payments

for someone else's property.

Now, I've shared with you these stories from this article.

As I've talked with people about this passage from Proverbs,

telling them, hey, this is what we're preaching on this week,

I've heard even more stories.

So if you want to know all kinds of horror stories,

just start asking people about their experiences

or their friends' experiences with co-signing loans.

These stories, of course, help us understand

why this is a bad idea.

And we read in our confession of faith this morning

another verse in Proverbs that tells us how dangerous this is.

Proverbs 22, verses 26 and 27 asks,

Proverbs 22:26

why should your bed be taken out from under you?

In other words, you don't co-sign loans

because you could end up losing your own bed.

You could end up losing the very thing

that you need to provide and support for yourself.

You could bankrupt yourself.

You could end up paying a monthly payment

that you have no means to pay.

You could end up destroying your credit.

This is gonna be counted against you

as your total debt potentially

when you go and need to get a loan.

And so it's gonna jeopardize your ability

to provide for yourself

and it's going to jeopardize your ability

to provide for your family.

And so that's why I brought it up

with the Eighth Commandment.

This is going to put yourself in a situation

where other people might be stealing from you.

Put yourself in a situation

where you might be tempted to steal

because it's such a bad idea financially.

In her first article,

this woman shares some statistics.

28% of co-signers see a drop in their credit scores

because the person they helped did not pay

or paid very late.

38% had to pay some or, wait for it,

all of the loan payments

because the primary person didn't pay.

If they go and they have collectors come after you,

you could end up paying late fees,

have your wages attached.

It's reported on your credit report.

And as I mentioned before,

you may be limited in your ability to borrow

because if a lender looks at you,

they're gonna see you already have

this massive amount of debt.

And then finally, she warns us,

you might be thinking at this point,

yes, this is all true.

This is true of people who are irresponsible.

You don't understand, right?

I'm actually co-signing a loan

for someone who's incredibly responsible.

They just have this strange situation.

It's an exception to the rule.

Michelle warns us about that as well.

That person might be incredibly responsible

and you can't guarantee

they're gonna keep their job.

You have no control over their employment.

So they may be the most responsible person in the world

and then, right, the coronavirus hits.

People are losing their jobs.

This person's not able to pay.

Guess who's on the hook for it?

You are.

You cannot, as she says,

guarantee their health and their employment.

In other words,

we don't enable foolish behavior in other people.

We don't help someone else to be foolish.

A final reason we don't do this is,

if banks don't trust them,

why should you?

If banks don't trust them,

why should you?

Think about this for a second.

You know this if you've applied for a loan.

You often get approved for more money

than you should wisely spend.

When I went to buy my house,

I asked how much I had gotten approved for.

I had gotten approved for a number

that was way more than I could ever responsibly spend.

I could sign,

the bank would let me sign a loan

for an amount of money

that would put me under.

They didn't need a cosigner for that.

So imagine if I went and asked you

to cosign a home loan

how much money I'm borrowing.

I must be borrowing

a wildly irresponsible amount of money.

If banks don't even trust someone,

you have no reason,

no position putting yourselves

on the line for them.

It can destroy you.

It may hurt the person

you're helping with that loan.

Now, this raises a question.

This is a church, Sunday morning.

Why in the world are we talking

about cosigning loans of all things?

And why am I reading you financial statistics

about what's going to happen

if you cosign?

Well, there's some principles here

that lie behind what's going on.

First, God commands us

and calls us to care for the poor.

We're going to see that

all throughout the book of Proverbs.

We're told in Proverbs 3.

Remember, we've already seen this.

We preached in Proverbs 3

a couple weeks ago.

Do not say to your neighbor,

go and come again.

Tomorrow I will give it

when you have it with you.

So we've been commanded

to care for people who have needs, right?

So we need warnings

about what the exceptions are.

Proverbs 19 tells us

whoever is generous to the poor

lends to the Lord

and he will repay him for his deed.

So you might be tempted to think,

God commands me to care for the poor.

This person is in a bad spot.

They need me to cosign for them.

I'm going to do

what God's commanded me to do.

No, the book of Proverbs

gives us warnings.

It gives us boundaries

about God's commands.

Proverbs 21 says,

whoever closes his ear

to the cry of the poor

will himself call out

and not be answered.

Except if the poor

is calling out

and asking you

to cosign alone.

Then you close your ears.

So part of the reason

this is in the Bible

is we need boundaries

to give us wisdom

when it comes to God's commands.

There are, in other words,

wise ways

to help other people.

There are unwise ways

to help other people.

So this is a book

about wisdom.

It's an incredibly practical book.

We need to be warned

and not be foolish.

This highlights

another thing for us

which is the necessity

of having wisdom, right?

It's not enough

to just have

a good, tender, generous heart.

You can be incredibly tender

and generous

and a loving person

and still be a fool.

Your heart can be

in the right place

and you can still do

stupid and foolish things.

And so this is a reminder

to us that we need

to study books

like the book of Proverbs.

We need to study wisdom

to protect us

from foolishness.

Part of loving God

is being wise

in this world.

Remember we talked earlier

about the characters

of Proverbs.

We have the foolish person

and the simple person.

The simple person,

one of his characteristics

is that he has trouble

connecting present actions

to future consequences.

Simple person has trouble

connecting present actions

to future consequences.

So a simple person

would have trouble

thinking through

what might happen

to him or her

if they co-signed a loan

or they put up security

for someone else.

And so this just again

highlights for us

the importance of wisdom.

We have to listen.

It's not enough

just to be a good,

loving person.

It's not enough

to just want

to care for the poor.

I'll also point out

that this highlights

God's fatherly heart

towards us.

God gives us advice

about practical things.

We can trust him.

We can love

and praise God

in part

because he's willing

to talk to us

about the nitty-gritty

details of life.

We're going to hear

about the nitty-gritty

details of life

in the book of Proverbs

when it comes to relationships

and emotions.

We've heard about

the nitty-gritty

details of life

in Proverbs

when it comes

to our sexuality

last week.

Of course,

we'll hear about it again

later in chapter 6

and chapter 7.

God loves us

so much

that he talks

to us

about granular

things like this.

God loves us

so much

that he's willing

to talk to us

about the details

of how we handle

our money.

God cares about

our lives

not just on Sunday

morning

when we come

to sing songs

to him.

He cares about

our lives

Monday through

Saturday as well.

There are things

we do Monday

through Saturday

that are wise

wise and unwise

wise or foolish.

And so if that's true

if this is the

floor of the law

as I talked about

earlier

what's the ceiling

then?

If we put off

putting up security

for other people

what is it

that we actually

put on?

What should we

be pursuing?

Well,

we pursue

wise generosity.

We pursue

being generous

and caring

for ways

in ways

that are

helpful.

Wise generosity

restores others.

It doesn't

enable them.

Wise generosity

restores and

helps other

people

rather than

enabling them

to make foolish

decisions.

Remember I

mentioned earlier

if you had

co-signed a

loan for me

in buying a

house

you would

have been

enabling me

to make

a terrible

foolish

decision.

So we're

generous in

wise ways.

You want to

actually help

me and enable

me.

You want to

move me

towards a

place where

I'm self-sustainable.

God in his

redemption

does not just

throw us

handouts.

He doesn't

just buy us

out of our

sin and

leave us

there.

He restores

us.

There's the

process of

sanctification

where God

is making

us more

and more

into the

image of

Jesus Christ.

He's making

us look

like him.

There's

something

lazy about

co-signing

alone.

It's easy

to sign a

piece of

paper.

It's hard

to get

alongside of

someone and

actually help

them in the

situation

they're in.

You're

resolving a

symptom rather

than addressing

the cause,

the problem

that underlies

that symptom.

And so

there's a

variety of

things you

could do.

For example,

you could give

a gift to

someone rather

than enabling

them to take

out a loan.

That gift

means you

measure how

much can I

actually afford.

I know that

I'm giving this

money rather

than wondering

whether I'm

giving this

money, and so I

can calculate

that.

Is this

gift going

to help

them?

There's a

book that we

go through

sometimes in

this church

with our

leaders called

When Helping

Hurts.

And it talks

about the fact

sometimes you

can hurt

someone by

helping them,

and it gives

categories for

the helpful

ways to come

alongside someone.

They give

three categories.

One is

relief, one is

rehabilitation, and

one is

development.

These are

different ways of

giving sacrificially

rather than

destructively.

We give and

we help other

people sacrificially

rather than

destructively.

So I'll give

you some

examples.

Let's say

someone comes

and they ask

you to co-sign

a loan for

them on a

car.

Well, this

might be a

legitimate need,

right?

This person

might actually

need a car.

What can you

do instead of

co-signing the

loan?

Well, maybe

you need to

gather together

a group of

other people

who can all

put in some

money, and

maybe you help

this person

buy a

$4,000

car rather

than co-signing

a loan for

a $20,000

car.

That might be

a wise way to

help that

person rather

than a foolish

way to help

that person.

Maybe that

person, instead

of needing

help buying a

car, maybe

they need you

to counsel

them to use

public transit

instead.

Maybe they

need to do

some budgeting.

That would

be a wise

way.

If you're

helping someone

with a home

loan, by

the way, a

lot of

co-signing

happens

between parents

and children.

Again, don't

think that

this is an

exception, that

these warnings

are an

exception when

it comes to

your kids.

I could tell

you more

stories about

that.

I won't

go there.

Someone asked

for help in

purchasing a

home.

Maybe instead

of helping

them by

co-signing,

you help

them with

a down

payment.

You know

how much

you're able

to afford

and you

give them

a gift.

Maybe instead

of doing

that, this

person needs

help getting

better job

skills.

Maybe they

need a

higher paying

job.

That's a

wise way to

help someone.

Maybe you

pay for some

job training

for them.

That's a

way to give

them development

in those

categories of

relief,

rehabilitation,

and development.

Maybe this

person needs

help budgeting

and saving so

that they can

make a larger

down payment on

a car and

they can have

a lower

monthly payment.

If someone

comes and

asks you to

co-sign for

student loans

for them,

by the way,

this is one of

the worst

things you

can co-sign

on,

there are

wise ways

to help

them.

Maybe they

need counseling

to go to

a cheaper

school.

Maybe they

need to go

to a community

college rather

than a four-year

college.

Maybe this

person needs

to do school

at a slower

pace so they

can work and

pay for it

along the

way.

Whatever it

is, we're

not saying

from this

passage, don't

help other

people.

What we're

saying is

there are

wise ways

that make

other people

wise and

there are

foolish ways

that make

other people

foolish.

We embrace

the wise ways.

We help

people.

We want to

come alongside

of them.

We want to

assist other

people.

We know that

not everyone

is in the

situation they

are because

they're

irresponsible.

Some people

are, some

people aren't.

Some people

need help.

We just need

to help them

in ways that

don't endanger

ourselves and

our own

families.

We help

them in

ways that

model God.

God as

our Father

instructs us

and God as

our Father

shows us how

redemption works.

He comes and

he restores.

He's the kind

of Father who

provides relief,

rehabilitation,

and development.

He provides

redemption for

us.

That's the

logic of the

gospel.

That Jesus

dies for us,

he pays what

he can afford,

which is

infinite.

He's able to

afford paying

the cost of

our sins and

then he

rehabilitates

us.

He restores

us.

He renews

us.

That's the

way he

helps people.

That's the

way we

help people.

Now I've

told you

before,

when we

talked in

Proverbs

Proverbs 3 · chapter mention

chapter 3,

that the

way Proverbs

work is

that Proverbs

are not

rigid rules.

They're

principles rather

than rules.

They're guidance

about how life

generally works,

and so they

need to be

applied at the

right place at

the right time.

What I don't

want you to

hear is that

it is a

sin to

cosign a

loan for

someone.

In fact,

the Old

Testament gives

an example in

the book of

Genesis of a

security being

given, a

surety.

There's actually

a law in the

Old Testament

about it, and

the law is

meant to

protect the

person who

gives the

surety.

It says if

you take

someone's

cloak as

a surety,

make sure you

return that

before it's

cold at

night.

So it's

not forbidden

by God's

law.

It's allowed.

It's just

foolish.

So what are

the exceptions?

When would

be the

situation that

you would

cosign a

loan for

someone?

I'd say

there's a

few principles.

One of

them we

see in

that verse

in Proverbs

Proverbs 22 · chapter mention

chapter 22,

which I

will refer

to as the

bed

principle.

Whatever you

do, if you

cosign a

loan, make

sure that

you are

prepared to

pay every

single payment

on that

loan, and

that doing

so means you

won't lose

your bed.

So you need

to have enough

money in your

budget that you

can add that

payment for as

many years as

it lasts, and

it will not

hurt you and

your family

financially.

You've got to

make sure you

pass the

bed rule.

You've got to

be willing then

to be able to

pay it, and

then you have

to ask, are

you enabling

bad behavior?

Are you

enabling someone

to take out

a loan that's

irresponsible for

them to take

out?

There might be

some exceptions,

right?

And I'll give

you an example

of one exception

to cosigning a

loan or putting

a surety.

When we got

our loan on

this church

building, we

did not have

a cosigner, but

we did have

someone who

put up $500,000

as a surety, I

guess is what you

could say.

They weren't

cosigning, they

weren't taking

responsibility for

our payments, but

they said, I

will be on the

hook for $500,000

if this church

falls down.

For this

individual, this

individual who

did this is

worth hundreds of

millions of

dollars.

dollars.

So, had

they had to

pay that

$500,000, they

would have

passed the

bed principle.

He would

have not

lost his

bed.

It's a

slightly different

situation with

a church than

a person, and

at the end of

the day, when

we renegotiated

our loan last

fall, we had

this person

released from

the loan.

So, this

man never

ended up paying

that $500,000.

He's not on

our loan

anymore.

The bank

said, wow,

you guys have

done a fantastic

job paying your

loan payments

every month.

We're going to

set this up

well, and this

man's off the

hook.

So, there are

exceptions.

The fact that we

got him removed,

he never paid

that $500,000,

proves that that

was an exception

to the rule,

right?

He decided to

do that.

He's a Christian

man.

He wanted to

help a church.

Ended up

proving to be

wise.

But again, it's

exceptions like

that that prove

the rule.

If you're

cosigning, make

sure you're like

this man.

You can afford

to pay it and

not lose your

bed.

So, we

don't apply

Proverbs

rigidly.

We understand

there are

situations where

it applies,

situations where

it doesn't

apply.

This one's

going to

apply most

of the time,

almost all

of the time.

Of course, I've

been telling you

that Jesus is

our great

wisdom teacher,

and Jesus

teaches wise

generosity as

well.

He tells us a

story in Luke

Luke 10 · chapter mention

chapter 10 about

the Good Samaritan.

If you're familiar

with this, you

know that there's

a man who comes

and asks Jesus,

what does it

mean for me to

love my neighbor?

Jesus tells a

story about a

man who's beaten.

He's on the

side of the

road and

there's religious

people who look

him over who

don't help him

and there's a

Samaritan who

comes and he

does help this

man.

What does he do

for him?

Well, he takes

him.

He gives him

relief.

He takes him

to a place

where he can

stay.

He gives his

own money as

a gift, right?

He's actually

being generous,

but in a way

that's wise.

He knows this

man is in a

bad position

not because of

his foolishness

but because of

someone else's

violence.

So he helps

him.

He gives his

own money to

the innkeeper

and he says,

if you need

any more, I'm

here.

I'm going to

be the one

who pays it.

That's wise

generosity, right?

That's a way

to care for

others.

Jesus tells us

in Matthew

Matthew 25 · chapter mention

chapter 25,

there's going

to be a

time where

he looks at

people.

He tells us

the story of

the sheep

and the goats

and he's

going to

say to

the sheep,

whatever you

did to one

of the least

of my brothers,

you did it

to me.

So Jesus

teaches us,

he commands

us to care

and help

for other

people.

He tells us

when we help

other people,

we are doing

it for him,

we're doing

it to him.

And so we

want to be

generous people.

We want to

be people who

help the poor,

who help people

in need.

Jesus empowers

this as well.

We see in

Acts chapter 2,

Acts 2 · chapter mention

in Acts chapter 4,

Acts 4 · chapter mention

Jesus' spirit,

the Holy Spirit

is enabling people

to share generously.

They're sharing

whatever they have

with people

who are in need.

And so this is

the character

of the Christian

community.

It's the character

that Jesus gives

to us.

He just gives it

to us in wise

ways.

And then Jesus

models it,

of course,

for it.

He models it

and empowers it.

He models it

and empowers it

through the way

that he lives

on this earth,

restoring people.

And of course,

ultimately,

he models and

empowers it for us

in his death

on the cross.

He shows us

what wise

generosity looks

like.

For those who

are willing to

repent of their

sins and follow

after him,

turning away from

sin and towards

righteousness,

admitting that they

have no hope

in this world

aside from Jesus,

that outside of

their hope and

faith and trust

in Jesus,

they will face

eternal punishment

and separation

from God.

Jesus offers

through his death

forgiveness and

restoration.

He offers relief

and rehabilitation.

That offer is

for us.

It's for you

this morning,

for anyone

who has repented

of their sins

or who repents

of their sins.

Jesus makes

that offer,

that generous offer,

and it doesn't

lose him his bed.

Jesus can afford

it.

Jesus can afford

to offer it

because he's

earned it

through his

death.

And then he

restores us,

right?

He's working

with us.

Jesus isn't

lazy.

He doesn't just

pay off the

debt of sin.

He's restoring

us.

He's renewing

us into his

image.

And so he's

making us

people who

look like him.

We do not

need a

cosigner,

right?

We didn't

need someone

to come

and say,

well,

if they

can't pay

the debt,

I will.

There's no

way we

could pay

the debt

of our

sin.

And so we

couldn't have

a cosigner.

We needed

someone to

completely pay

our debt.

We needed

Jesus.

And so we

look to him.

We look to him

for wise

generosity.

We know

that Jesus

is at work

restoring us,

and he's

restoring this

world.

And so we

can follow

after him,

restoring others,

and restoring

this world

that Jesus

loves and

died for

in ways

that are

wise

rather than

foolish.

Please pray

with me.

Our Father

in heaven,

we thank you

that you

give us

nitty-gritty

instructions

about life.

You teach

us how to

walk in

this world,

not just in

repentance to

you, but in

ways that

help build

others up

rather than

tear them

down.

We ask that

you'd grow

us up in

wisdom,

especially when

it comes to

money, and

that we would

look to you

as our model

and our

example, that

we would

embrace your

restoration of

us, and

that it would

cause us to

work for

restoration of

others.

We thank

you that

you give

us wisdom

through Jesus,

and so we

ask for that

wisdom in

his name.

Amen.

Amen.