Friendship

I'd like to invite the Reverend Mike Wensler up to our pulpit this morning.

He's going to be bringing God's word.

I'm going to let Mike take over and have him tell us a little bit about himself before he preaches.

And we're grateful that you were able to come today and willing to come.

So, welcome to Shining Mountain.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Sweet to be with you all.

I understand you're in a series through the book of Proverbs.

Is that correct?

Wonderful.

Appreciate this feedback.

Man, this is my first time preaching in person for a few months.

I've done some pre-recorded things for our church up in Fort Collins.

But as I was introduced, my name is Mike Wensler and I'm the RUF campus minister at Colorado State University.

Gosh, I think I, how long ago was it when I preached here last?

Eight months?

Something like that?

It seems, you know, time has both crawled and flown by.

But it's, you know, it's a privilege to get to be here.

Being a college pastor of sorts, you know, I'm not bound to a specific congregation on Sunday mornings.

You know, I'm not on staff at a local church.

I'm sent to the campus by our presbytery.

And I know that you're familiar with RUF.

Jeff Kreisel has preached here, who's the campus minister at Air Force Academy.

And, you know, this fall semester is going to be very strange, as I'm sure it is for all of you.

The university is still sort of scrambling, and we are really unsure what we can do on campus.

So I would covet your prayers for us, just for wisdom, in terms of how we can pursue students and share the gospel and disciple,

while largely doing that virtual, which is a blessing and somewhat a hindrance.

So we've already heard our passage read this morning, so I'll just say a brief prayer for us again,

and then we'll get started on the topic of friendship.

Father, we thank you for the opportunity to gather.

What a privilege this is, and we are more so aware of this privilege now than maybe we have been in the past.

But we do plead with you that you would meet us here this morning.

We pray that you would speak to us through your word and apply it to our hearts by your spirit.

We pray that we would be comforted in the gospel and encouraged and also convicted and humbled.

Lord, please allow the cares and the concerns of our lives and of this world to be set aside for a moment to focus on you.

And please give us ears to hear this good news.

It's in Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

C.S. Lewis famously wrote in his book entitled Four Loves the following quote.

He says,

In friendship, we think we have chosen our peers.

In reality, a few years' difference in the dates of our births,

a few more miles between certain houses,

the choice of one university instead of the other,

the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting,

any of these chances might have kept us apart.

But for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances.

A secret master of ceremonies has been at work.

Christ, who said to the disciples,

Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,

can truly say to every group of Christian friends,

Ye have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.

The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out.

It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.

True friends are gifts from God.

You know this through experience.

They are God's grace to us, and we need them.

One of my little speeches I regularly give to freshmen their first year on campus

goes something like this.

You would be better off not dating your freshman year.

If, however, you choose to date or have come into college dating,

do the best you can to make friends.

And if you're dating, my rule of thumb, which is not unique to me,

someone else said this first,

but spend at least 50% of your free time with your friends,

not the majority with your boyfriend or your girlfriend.

If you think about it, in college, the opportunities for friendships are unique.

The time you have is unique.

When else do you have that much flexibility with that sort of little responsibility?

There was one particular season of life for me

where I lived with two of my best friends who were also Christians.

We were sort of always up to something.

If it was an impromptu road trip or playing, you know,

old school Madden football on PlayStation 2,

staying up late watching movies, studying the Bible together,

challenging and encouraging one another in our faith.

I'm still close with these two guys many years later,

and I thank God for them.

You know, upon reflection, we don't earn relationships like these.

They didn't happen randomly.

C.S. Lewis was right.

Jesus can truly say to every group of friends,

you have not chosen one another, but I've chosen you for one another.

But a good friendship isn't always easy, is it?

Friends take work and time and resources,

and they sometimes hurt you and they disappoint you,

and oftentimes they take without giving back.

And good friends are hard to find.

You know, one recent study I read showed that 45% of adults

say they find it difficult to make friends.

The average adult hasn't made any new friends in the last five years,

and apparently popularity hits its peak at age 23.

So that, you know, puts us over the hill for many of us.

Moreover, loneliness is something that's devastatingly widespread.

I read two different sources that claim

between 60 and 75% of Americans today are lonely.

So friendship is hard.

Loneliness is everywhere.

And if you are being honest,

you might admit that you are a big part of the problem.

Sometimes you let your friends down.

Sometimes you are the needy one,

and you wear your friends out.

You hurt them with your words or with your actions.

You neglect them because you're preoccupied elsewhere.

You take them for granted or expect too much of them.

Proverbs is a very practical book of the Bible,

which I'm sure Matthew has pointed out to you already.

It's considered wisdom literature,

and wisdom is said to be skill in the art of godly living.

We need skills in our relationships

in order to live them in a way that pleases God.

My aim this morning is to really answer one question.

How does wisdom describe a godly friend?

How does wisdom describe a godly friend?

Wisdom says friends do three things.

Friends wound, friends encourage, and friends love.

So first, let's do friends wound.

I believe this is in your bulletin.

Proverbs 27, verses 5 through 6.

Proverbs 27:5–6

Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

You know, lots of times we find these

better than statements in poetry.

Open rebuke is better than hidden love.

This idea is that true love is costly.

True love is costly.

It's not fun to wound your friends.

You probably won't enjoy it,

and they probably won't like it.

But as one author once wrote,

if your friend is wrong,

then to kiss when we should kill

is to put ourselves among his enemies.

Unless you want to be an enemy,

Proverbs says you need to speak up.

Of course, there is perceived risk

when wounding and approaching

and rebuking a friend.

What if they get mad and walk away?

Now, sure, that's possible,

but it's also unlikely.

You know, experience says,

and wisdom says,

if you correct a friend in love and humility,

chances are they will not leave you,

but rather this will improve your friendship

and make it stronger.

Plus, you don't really have an alternative.

You're not about to be their enemy

and let them continue in their sin.

Then you'll pursue them,

even if it may cost you.

Thinking back to the first six months of marriage

for my wife, Lauren, and I,

Lauren and our kids are up in Fort Collins.

You know, we had just moved

to Charlotte, North Carolina,

and I had begun seminary,

and the first six months of our time there

were dreadful, to say the least.

You know, we couldn't settle on a church.

Lauren hated her job,

and because of all of this,

I was really questioning my call to ministry.

Like, gosh, I don't know

if I'm supposed to be here.

Lauren's suffering,

and we're not doing well,

and marriage is hard.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be in ministry.

So we were about to give up,

kind of throwing the towel after a semester

and move back to Wisconsin,

when a friend, a new friend,

sat me down and said,

I really think you would be foolish to leave.

And so we stayed.

And in God's providence and grace,

the next two and a half years

were particularly sweet.

Years of our marriage,

we can look back on in thankfulness.

We need friends to speak to us this way.

Let's continue.

Look at Proverbs 27, verse 17.

Proverbs 27:17

The writer writes,

iron sharpens iron,

and one man sharpens another.

You know, poetry is kind of remarkable

in the Bible.

It communicates so much with so little.

That's really what poetry does.

So we read it slow.

That's how you ought to approach poetry.

You let it,

you marinate on the words,

you know, like soak that meat

in those flavors in the fridge for a while.

And we twist the lens,

really to focus it on our hearts.

To sharpen a piece of metal,

another piece of metal is required.

Without two pieces,

neither could be sharpened.

Sharpening, of course,

implies growth and correction and change.

And this comes through a continual

hammering and pounding

to make a sharp edge.

Now found in this context of friendship,

we learn that wounding a friend

actually sharpens a friend.

Friends don't have to agree on everything,

but it has been said that friends

ought to be able to discuss anything.

They don't have to agree on everything,

but they ought to be able to discuss anything.

Just an initial word of application

on this first point.

Wisdom describes a godly friend who wounds.

This needs to be standard practice

in your relationships.

It needs to be.

There's no way that you can persist

in a close friendship

for a long period of time

and never disagree

and never need to correct one another.

Now some of you hate conflict

and avoid it like the coronavirus,

but you need to see wounding

as a redemptive,

grace-giving component of friendship.

You need to be bold and honest and humble

and speak truthfully,

even when it's hard and potentially costly.

The New Testament confirms this.

Galatians 6.1, Paul writes,

Brothers, if anyone is caught

in any transgression,

you who are spiritual should restore him

in a spirit of gentleness.

Keep watch on yourself,

lest you too be tempted.

Wounding a friend is restorative.

Now on the flip side, of course,

you need to be able to receive correction.

Let your friends know

that you are willing to be wounded

for the sake of being sharpened.

This means deflecting your natural tendency

to be defensive

when your friend is brave enough

to call you out on something.

This is so easy to do,

to be defensive

when someone, you know,

sort of points their finger at you.

But our reflex to this

ought to be,

ought to speak,

quick to listen.

So again,

we need to be honest and humble

and receive the wounds

from your friend in faith.

Secondly, though,

what is a godly friend?

Godly friends encourage.

Friends encourage.

Look again at Proverbs 27,

Proverbs 27:9–10

verses 9 through 10.

Oil and perfume

make the heart glad,

and the sweetness of a friend

comes from his earnest counsel.

Do not forsake your friend

and your father's friend,

and do not go into your brother's house

in the day of your calamity.

Better is a neighbor who is near

than a brother who is far away.

So perhaps equally as important

as wounding is encouraging.

These images of oil and perfume

are meant to invoke

pleasantness and satisfaction

and joy.

In short,

as we see in our passage,

they make the heart glad.

If you think about it,

a glad heart is secure.

A glad heart is at rest.

A glad heart is content.

These rare jewels

of security,

rest, and contentment

ultimately come

from knowing God,

but are often administered

to us

through the earnest counsel

of a sweet friend.

The situations in life

where we need godly,

sweet, friendly counsel

and encouragement

are, of course,

everyday and ubiquitous.

You know,

should I take this job?

Or should I go back to school?

Should we move

and buy this house?

Should I pursue this degree?

Should I date this person

or should I break up

with this person?

Should we see a counselor?

Should we step in

and help our kids

figure it out

or sort of let them

do it on their own?

Should I save, you know,

this much money every month?

Should I invite my elderly parents

to come live with us?

Should I live with these roommates?

I mean,

all of these questions

and so many more,

we ought to turn

to our godly friends

for counsel.

The sweetness of a friend

comes from his or her

earnest counsel

and wisdom says

we need true friends

to speak into our lives

and encourage us.

And the New Testament

confirms this again

in many places.

In Romans 15,

Paul wrote,

for whatever was written

in earlier times

was written for our instruction

so that through perseverance

and the encouragement

of the scriptures,

we might have hope.

We need friends

to encourage us

in the faith.

We also need friends

to build us up.

Again,

Paul writes

in 1 Thessalonians 5,

therefore encourage

one another

and build each other up

just as in fact

you are doing,

Paul says.

We also need friends

to stir us

toward love

and good works.

The writer of the Hebrews

in Hebrews 10 says,

and let us consider

how to stir

one another up

to love and good works,

not neglecting

to meet together

as is the habit of some,

but encouraging

one another.

It dawned on me

when I'm trying

to teach my children

how to do something,

you know,

it could be

riding a bike

or doing a flip

on the trampoline,

which I used to be able

to do much better

when I was in high school,

or, you know,

even just learn

their letters correctly.

They often get frustrated

and want to give up,

and in times like these,

I'm also humbled

at my own sin

and not handling

that very well,

and I can try

to encourage them.

I can try to say things

like, you know,

hey, learning a new skill

takes patience

and perseverance.

You've got to hang in there,

you know,

but often my words

land flat

and are ineffective

with my kids.

However, I've seen this

when a friend,

it could be a cousin,

a neighbor on the street,

someone from school,

encourages them

to keep trying it.

Those words

are like magic bullets.

Coming from a friend,

they have this unique,

special power.

It's because encouragement

from a friend

is powerful.

It's absolutely necessary,

and as we've seen

from the New Testament,

it actually is transformative

to give us hope

and encouragement

and love.

A little bit more

of application.

Wisdom describes

a godly friend

as an encourager.

Now, just to say this,

it's completely acceptable

with your friends

just to hang out

and laugh

and tell stories

and talk about hobbies

and news

and politics,

but it's also

completely necessary

to encourage one another

and to take counsel

with one another.

If you want

a friend like this,

I think the scriptures

would tell us

to start by being

a friend like this.

Be humble

and ask for counsel.

Let your friends know

when you need encouragement

and offer well-timed

words of comfort

to others.

The third thing

that wisdom says

a godly friend is

is a person who loves.

So friends love.

Look again at Proverbs 17, 17.

It says,

A friend loves

at all times

and a brother

is born for adversity.

And I don't know

if this is in your bulletin,

but 18, 24.

It says,

A man of many companions

may come to ruin,

but there is a friend

who sticks closer

than a brother.

Just going slow

for a moment,

I think this is

pretty revealing.

We,

and this is

pretty uniform

for every person,

want to be loved

at all times.

We want this.

We want to be loved

at all times.

We want someone

to walk with us

through,

to use this language,

the valleys,

the switchbacks up,

and the peaks of life.

We want someone

to walk with us

always,

loving us constantly

through all of this.

King David,

who was inspired

by the Holy Spirit,

wrote this in Psalm 23.

He said,

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He leads me

beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me

in paths of righteousness.

Even though I walk

through the valley

of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me.

You are with me,

writes David.

This hunger

for love

and security

from earthly

actually exposes

our need

for love

from our heavenly friend.

What's more,

actually,

I would argue

the love

of a true godly friend

shows us

the love of Christ.

Jesus loves his people

at all times.

He loves us

when we are broken

and weak.

He loves us

when we're sinful

and exposed.

He loves us

when we're wrong

and rebellious.

He loves us

when we're filled

with doubt.

He loves us

when we're

angry and afraid.

You know,

we're going to sing

this song

right after this message,

but in the year 1910,

John Wilbur Chapman

wrote the hymn,

Jesus,

what a friend

for sinners.

The first verse

says this,

Jesus,

what a friend

for sinners.

Jesus,

lover of my soul,

friends may fail me,

foes assail me,

he,

my savior,

makes me whole.

The purest friendship

available

is found

in the love

and friendship

of Jesus.

A friend

who sticks

closer than a brother

is a friend

who bears

your burdens

with you.

Paul,

again,

in Galatians 6.2,

says,

bear one another's

burdens

and so fulfill

the law of Christ.

So a loving friend

doesn't stand

far off

and, you know,

sort of shout

from a distance,

I'm so sorry,

it's really hard

that you're going

through this,

you know,

I'll shoot you

a text next week.

Rather,

a loving friend

draws near,

sort of climbs

down into the

emotional pit

that you're in,

cries with you

and stays

with you.

It's what David

was getting at

when he said,

the Lord is with me

through the valleys.

And in the gospel,

Jesus' friendship

with you

goes even further.

The apostle John

recorded Jesus

saying these words,

this is my commandment

that you love

one another

as I have loved you.

greater love

has no one

than this,

that someone

lay down his life

for his friends.

You are my friends

if you do

what I command you.

No longer

do I call you servants

for the servant

does not know

what his master

is doing.

But I have called

you friends

for all that I have

heard from my father

I have made known

to you.

The love of Jesus

took him somewhere.

It took him

to that

skull-shaped hill

called Golgotha

in Jerusalem

where he bled

and suffered

and died.

Why?

To save his friends.

We love as friends

because Jesus

first loved us.

Thinking about

sacrificial love

reminded me

of this story.

It's in the context

of marriage

but it's the story

about B.B. Warfield

and his love

for his wife Annie.

So B.B. Warfield

was a professor

of theology

at Princeton Seminary.

After their wedding

B.B. or Benjamin

and Annie

traveled across Europe

and so the story goes

while on a walk

through the Harz Mountains

the couple was caught

in a violent thunderstorm.

Annie suffered

a severe trauma

to her nervous system

from which she

never recovered.

One author wrote

she was so severely

traumatized

that she would spend

the rest of her life

as an invalid

becoming increasingly

more incapacitative

as the years went by.

Her husband

B.B.

was to spend

the rest of their lives

together

giving her

his constant care

and attention

until her death

in 1915.

Another Princeton

professor wrote this.

His name was

Oswald Alice.

He said

I used to see them

walking together

and the gentleness

of his manner

was striking proof

of the loving care

with which he surrounded her.

They had no children.

During the years

spent at Princeton

he rarely if ever

was absent

for any length of time.

Thinking about friendship

and true love

true love will cost you

it will bend you

and it will change you.

Jesus was not afraid

to put it frankly

to his disciples.

This is my commandment

he says

love one another

as I have loved you.

Knowing the true

and pure love of Christ

with the help

of God's Holy Spirit

you are enabled

to love your friends

at all times.

No of course

you will not love

your friends perfectly.

You are not Jesus

of course

your friends need Jesus

but the Bible tells us

they also need you.

Your friends need you.

So to recap

true friends

are a gift from God.

They're God's grace to us

and we need them

and friendship of course

is hard

and we are often

a big part of the problem

and loneliness

is crushing.

We need skills

hence wisdom

to please

and honor God

with our relationships

and wisdom says

that true friends

wound

and encourage

and love

like Jesus.

I want to close

by quoting Paul

again from Colossians 3

which I really think

nicely summarizes

a godly friendship.

Paul writes

put on them

as God's chosen ones

holy and beloved

compassionate hearts

kindness

humility

meekness

and patience

bearing with

one another

and if one has a complaint

against another

forgiving each other

as the Lord

has forgiven you

so you also

must forgive

and above all these

put on love

which binds

everything together

in perfect harmony.

Let me pray for us.

Father we thank you

for your word

to us this morning

we thank you

that you have

given us friends

you've given us

the church

which is really

a community

of special friendship

relationships

where we're more

than that

we're actually

brothers and sisters

in Christ

or we pray

for boldness

for wisdom

to know

when to wound

and encourage

and how to love

our friends

and we pray

that our motivation

to do this

our source of strength

would really be

in the gospel

in Jesus' love

for us

may we be challenged

by his love

also equipped

and sent out

to go and love others

and really I pray

that Christian friendships

would be on display

for the world to see

that would make them

jealous and curious

to pursue you

and to ask

about the gospel

please Lord

be with us

equip us

and send us out

today we pray

in Jesus name

Amen