Authentic Friendships

I don't think I've actually struggled to write a talk as much as I have this one tonight.

Friendship is, I think, a massive subject.

I think as I've been thinking about it probably for the last three weeks,

I'm conscious that it's a real blessing, isn't it, to have good friends.

Everybody needs good friends.

But also struck that friendship is very difficult.

It's very difficult to try and nail what is a good friend.

It's very difficult to keep good friends.

Friendship is very difficult.

So they say when it comes to Q&A and there's no questions, there's four options you can believe.

Number one, everything was so clear that no one has any more questions to ask.

Number two, it was so far above everyone's heads that they didn't understand anything

and therefore have no limit to ask questions.

Number three, it was so confused that people don't know where to start asking questions.

Or number four, any of the above three that you like.

There was a fourth, but I forgot it.

So we'll just go for that one at the end.

Yeah.

Relationships.

I have a PowerPoint to help us.

Relationships.

And tonight, authentic friendships.

What is an authentic friendship?

You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin to the bitter end.

And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours closer than you yourself keep it.

But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone and go off without a word.

We are your friends, Frodo.

Anyway, there it is.

We know most of what Gandalf has told you.

We know a good deal about the ring.

We are horribly afraid.

But we are coming with you or following you like hounds.

That is what Merry Pippin and Samwise Gamgee say to Frodo just before he embarks on this great journey that will take three massive books in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

It's a lovely quote, which I think gets us somewhere to thinking about what is the essence of true friendship.

People with you through thick and thin who are prepared to face great adversity for you.

And the only option that they don't leave him is that he's going to go to Mordor alone.

Or on the Monday after Christmas, I was in Asda at the Jewel.

Something I hate at the best of times, but the Monday after Christmas, horrendous.

But over the tannoy came the song by the Rembrandts, I'll Be There For You, which was, of course, the theme tune to that great soap opera, Friends.

And Friends, it's said, is always being shown somewhere in the world so popular was it.

And as I was walking around Asda pushing my trolley, I was conscious that everybody was singing along.

That this song has obviously captured people's imaginations.

That when we think of Friends, we think of the Rembrandts and we think of this song, I'll Be There For You.

When I think of that, I think of a very weird time at university where the very last episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel might finally get together.

I was watching this program called Friends in a room full of strangers that I did not know.

I was only there because somebody had a TV license and I didn't.

It was very weird watching Friends around a group of strangers who, once the program was gone, everyone just disappeared.

There was not even a cup of tea.

It was most disappointing.

Yet we are constantly aware in our lives that our friendships don't often live up to what the Hobbits describe,

or that which was experienced and shown by Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Monica.

In fact, in a recent study, Britain was shown to be the loneliness capital of Europe.

It came 28th out of 28 countries that people in Britain are lonelier than anybody else in Europe.

It was measured on people in Britain are the least likely to know their neighbors and the least likely to have anybody they would describe as a good friend.

We come absolutely bottom.

Let's bear in mind, some of that is Eastern Europe and I don't find those people the friendliest.

And we come bottom.

And let's also be clear that we're in Edinburgh, which has this reputation of being cold and a little bit austere,

far in contrast to our dear countrymen through in the West.

It's true that anything good, anything bad can be wonderful with friends and almost anything good can be terrible without them.

Yet we live in a society where friendship is minimized, it takes a back seat,

and it comes a country mile behind the way we pedestal romantic love and family love.

No one ever buys a glossy magazine on a Saturday to find out who's friends with it.

Because we're so geared, we're so honed in looking at romantic love and family love.

And so pedestalling that, that friendship comes a long way behind.

In days gone by, it was said, friendship seemed to be the happiest, most fully human of all loves.

The crown of life and the school of virtue.

To the modern person, friendship is diminished and largely disregarded.

I realized this week that in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, this central love between Arwen and Aragon doesn't even make it into Tolkien's proper book.

It's always in the appendix.

It's only when Peter Jackson and Hollywood get a hold of it that they put this romance right at the center

because they don't think to the 21st century audience that friendship will be able to hold the story together.

Isn't it interesting?

How what Tolkien wrote needs to be reinterpreted and reinvented for our 21st century diminished.

Diminishment of friendship, um, eyes.

Even in the Christian world, friendship is the most important, least talked about relationship in the church.

I've never given a talk on friendship before, that might be obvious already.

It's not something I've particularly thought of very much.

But I was also stunned how few books have been written on friendship.

I think this is perhaps the first sermon I've ever preached where I think I've read a vast majority of all the books written on a subject.

And I'm still pretty clueless about how to do a talk or how to tell people about friendship.

Yet despite it being detrimentally overlooked, we all know, feel, understand and yearn to be good at choosing, forging and keeping terrific friendships.

Put your hand up if you think you've got lots of too many good friends.

Put your hand up if you'd like a few more good friends.

I certainly would.

We all feel the need, the yearning.

We all know the benefit and blessing of having good friends.

On a church level, I think it is accurate to estimate that church satisfaction is gauged on two planes.

Number one, the quality of the teaching ministries and services of the church.

Do you like what the church does?

And number two, I think we assess our satisfaction with church with the ability we have to forge good friendships within that body of people.

If we have appreciation for the ministries and we have friendships with the people, we'll be satisfied, I think, generally in church.

So therefore, friendship for us and in our church is extremely important.

What will make our church stronger is if we're better friends and have deeper fellowship one with another.

C.S. Lewis in his book, The Four Loves, which is a cracking book, which I think everyone should really read.

He writes a chapter on friendship.

And his chapter on friendship is basically about the weirdness of friendship, the otherness of friendship.

He writes, friendship is, in a sense, the least natural of loves, the least instinctive, biological, gregarious and necessary.

Without eros, romantic love, none of us would have been born.

Without affection, familial love, none of us would have been reared.

But we can live and breed without friendship.

Friendship is unnecessary.

Like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself, for God did not need to create.

It has no survival value.

Rather, it is one of the things that gives value to survival.

It is one of the things that enriches our lives.

As a 12th century Cistercian monk, I told you that there's very few books on friendship.

This is about one of six.

And he writes a book on friendship and he says that there are three different types of friendship that we experience.

They're at different levels, at different depths.

And as we go deeper, they get fewer.

He says the first one is we have a carnal friendship.

And he would describe a carnal friendship as people whom we mutually pursue pleasure with.

People whom we mutually pursue pleasure with.

People we hang around for the sake of mutual fun.

And I dare say we've all got friends like that.

Then he talks about worldly friendships.

Friendships that people maintain because it brings mutual advantage.

So this might be friendships in the workplace.

If you are friends with your workmates, it will go better for you at work.

It might be your teammates.

If you're friends with your teammates and are looking out for them and ready to do things for them,

then that will only have benefit to the scoreline at the end of the game.

But he says the third type of friendship, the deepest type of friendship is a friendship bounded, grounded in mutual commitment.

Where you think the same as the other person.

Where you start sharing about your life and they go, oh, that's how I view the world.

That's what I think.

Oh, you too.

I thought I was the only one.

There is a mutual foundation.

A set of core beliefs.

A common pursuit which binds people together.

And Aelred of Reveaux would say that was the deepest kind of friendship.

And obviously he's then going to go on and explain that friendship between Christians,

where they're bound together in their mutual pursuit of Jesus Christ,

is the most conducive foundation to build strong, deep, rich and fruitful friendships.

He writes,

That actually Jesus is a wonderful person in enabling others to forge deep and rich and good friendships.

So a great goal in all our friendships is to make them spiritual friendships.

By deepening and centering our friendships with Christians on Jesus,

and by pursuing and being great friends to non-Christians,

in order that they might trust Jesus themselves,

so you can pursue him together.

Last bit of wiggling on the T.

Augustine writes in his Confessions,

Many people, Aelred and Augustine, both say that Jesus is a wonderful starting point

for building and maintaining and growing friendships.

But it seems pertinent then to distinguish the difference between fellowship and friendship.

They are very different.

Fellowship might be described as that special sense of companionship

and love among believers based on our unity in Christ.

That's what fellowship is.

That is, all those that know and love and have trusted the Lord Jesus,

we're brought together as family.

That in Jesus we're not only reconciled to God,

but we're reconciled to each other.

There's a family bond.

I know, I'm sure we've all felt this,

where you're in a foreign place,

you meet a Christian brother or sister,

and after a little while you feel like you've known them their whole life.

So one of the wonderful fruits of the gospel.

It's a wonderful thing, fellowship,

and fellowship intrinsically paves the way towards spiritual friendship.

Friendship, therefore, in a spiritual sense,

is that fellowship taken to the next level

and applied more personally,

given added depth, refinement and detail

through active investment in one another's life.

So we have fellowship altogether,

but it's going to take investment.

It's going to take spending time.

It's going to take sacrificing.

It's going to take hanging out.

It's going to take us encouraging each other

and spurring each other on in our pursuit of Jesus

if that fellowship is going to deepen

and become deep, rewarding fellowship.

So this evening I want to talk about friendship

in just three quick titles.

The why of friendship.

Why do we need friends?

The what of friendship.

What are good things to look for in friends.

How can we be good friends?

And then the how of friendship.

If friendship is so difficult,

does the Bible have anything to show us or tell us

or teach us about how to make it a little bit easier?

So, the why of friendship.

Why do I, why do you, why do we

have a deep-seated yearning to have friends?

Where does that come from?

Why can't we just say that every man is an island

and I am Ibiza?

Why do we need to have this connectedness?

Well, I think the Bible's clear answer

is that friendship starts before the beginning.

Friendship starts before the beginning.

In Genesis 1.26,

God said,

let us make man in our image,

in our likeness.

Note those plurals.

God talking to himself in plurality.

That even before the beginning,

God exists in trinity.

That God forever

has been one God in three persons.

who forever exists in and of himself

in a loving friendship.

God is intrinsically community.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

And it is in this image that we're created.

This relational image.

The image of the eternal relational God.

God.

So by the time we get to chapter 2.18,

and us getting a few more details

about how Adam and Eve were created,

we read that the first not good thing

about Adam and creation

is that he is alone.

He has no one to relate to.

Just imagine being Adam in the Garden of Eden.

He has the best quiet time.

24 hours a day.

He has unhindered access to God.

We read in chapter 3

that they used to walk together

in the coolness of the day.

What a beautiful picture of friendship that is.

And yet the first not good thing

and in other ways perfect creation

is the aloneness of man.

There is no one like him

whom he can be a friend to,

he can relate to,

he can share with.

Part of being image bearers of God

is to pursue, develop, nurture,

and maintain human relationships.

Therefore,

friendless living is both

a rejection of God's good purpose for us

as his image bearers,

and also a dehumanizing tragedy.

That as humans made in his image,

one of the things that

marks that image bearing out

is our ability

to maintain and grow

and have friends.

So no wonder when Eve shows up

in 2.22,

Adam knows friendship

and the not goodness

of that creation

becomes very good.

Because suddenly Adam

can be fully human

as the image bearer of God.

Adam even sings a song.

I'm not sure it translates that well.

He says,

this is bone of my bone

and flesh of my flesh.

I think if I sung that to Aileen,

she'd look at me a bit weird.

But,

but the eye of Adam

now becomes an ass

and a wee.

And there are they together.

That they are

interacting together.

They are sharing

together.

That as image bearers of God,

when Adam and Eve

can share and be friends together,

they reflect God's image

better than Adam ever could

alone.

But this picture

of completeness

is then shattered

categorically

at the fall in Genesis 3.

The usual evening stroll

with God

in the coolness of the day

is forsaken

for running,

hiding,

and isolation

from the Creator.

Sin has spoiled

man's friendship

with God vertically.

And as we read,

as Adam goes on

this self-justifying exercise

in Genesis 3 verse 10,

Genesis 3:10

when he said,

it's the woman's fault.

It's this woman

that you gave me.

He then ceases

to be a we and a they.

He becomes an eye.

And that friendship,

that relationship

is tarnished forever.

A fracture of relationship

at Genesis 3

and a fissure of friendship

is now seemingly

irreparably forged

at the core

of fallen humanity.

That when sin shows up,

friendship becomes

more difficult.

Martin Luther observes

that sin curves us

inward on ourselves

and left unaddressed

causes us to become

increasingly self-focused.

Nowhere is this more poisonous

than in our friendships.

And don't we see it

that when I becomes big,

friendship becomes difficult.

When I am self-obsessed,

it inhibits my ability

to be other person focused.

And so readily we get

what's the definition

of a boring person,

somebody who talks

about themselves

when you really want

to talk about yourself.

And we start

to evaluate friendships.

We interact with someone

and we think,

do they like me?

What do they think of me?

Will they hurt me?

How can I make them

like me more?

Not that any of these

questions are wrong,

but it's amazing

how me-focused friendship

can so readily become

as fallen human beings

in a fallen world.

And so this side

of the fourth,

friendship is difficult.

Friendship is hard.

Friendship is tough.

But still,

as image bearers,

it is intrinsically worthwhile.

Friendship with God

is hard as holiness

and sinfulness

cannot coexist.

In the Old Testament,

as far as I can see,

there's only two people

that are explicitly described

as friends of God.

Moses in Exodus 33,

the Lord would speak

to Moses face to face

as one would speak

to a friend.

And also Abraham

in Isaiah 41,

also picked up in James 2.

But you, Israel,

my servant,

Jacob,

whom I have chosen,

you descendants

of Abraham,

my friend.

It's not just friendship

with God that is affected,

tarnished,

and inhibited,

but also friendship

with others.

So Proverbs 20,

Proverbs 20:6

verse 6,

many claim to have

unfailing love,

but a faithful person,

a faithful friend,

who can find?

Why is friendship important?

Because as those created

in God's image,

we are hardwired

for friendship.

Friendship with God

and friendship with others.

But due to the fall,

friendship is now hard,

messy,

and spoiled by sin,

though still absolutely necessary,

and the longing for it

ever present

in everyone's lives.

And yet God's plan

of salvation

is designed

to restore

our vertical relationship

with God,

as well as our horizontal

relationships with others.

Why friendship?

Because that's how

God designed us.

But what about

the what of friendship?

What do good friendships do?

What are some marks

of authentic friendship?

What can I do

to be a true friend?

Well, I was encouraged

to see that the Bible

had more to say on this

than you'd believe.

And there's one book

in particular

that has loads to say

on friendship,

the book of Proverbs.

Hugh Black

in a classic work

says,

the book of Proverbs

might almost be called

a treatise on friendship.

So full is it

of advice

about the sort of person

you should consult with

and the sort of person

you should avoid.

It is full of shrewd,

prudent,

and wise counsel.

There is no book

that so exalts

the idea of friendship

and is so anxious

to have it truly valued

and carefully kept.

Proverbs gives us

practical wisdom

on how to live skillfully

in the world,

how to live well.

And it says three big things

about friends.

Number one,

true friends are rare.

Many claim to have

unfailing love,

but a faithful person

who can fight.

The writers of Proverbs

would also say,

bad friends bring ruin.

Proverbs 22,

make no friendship

with a man given to anger,

nor go with a wrathful man,

lest you learn his ways

and entangle yourself

in a snare.

But the Proverbs

would also say,

friends are integral

to gaining wisdom.

This famous proverb,

iron sharpens iron

as one man sharpens another.

That is,

we interact and share together.

Good friendships

make us sharper

and better.

Proverbs goes further,

though,

and paints a very vivid picture

of what good friends

look like.

I think Proverbs

gives us four foundations,

four building blocks

of true friendships.

Here they are.

True friendships,

true friends are there,

they are aware,

they dare,

and they share.

Perhaps we might say

that together,

stop us drifting off.

True friends are there,

they are aware,

they dare,

and they share.

Let me explain

what I mean.

Firstly,

true friends are there,

they are constant,

they are with you

for better,

for worse,

they are like the hobbits,

as they relate to Frodo,

we're coming with you

no matter what.

They are in the ups and downs,

in the triumphs,

the trials,

and the tribulations.

Proverbs 17,

Proverbs 17:17

verse 17,

17,

a friend loves at all times,

and a brother is born

for adversity.

A man of friends,

Proverbs 18,

a man of many companions

may come to ruin,

but there is a friend

who sticks closer

than a brother.

This is written in a society

where family

is of paramount importance.

And so for the writer

of this Proverbs

to say there is a friend

that is better

than a brother

is shocking.

But I think it is

very wise.

There is a friend,

a good friend,

good friends

can be better

than brothers.

Why?

Because in adversity,

family members

out of loyalty

may lend you a hand.

They're almost expected to.

But they may not like you.

Whereas a friend,

voluntarily compelled

by love,

says I'm sticking with you.

I'm sticking.

This word sticks

is the Hebrew word cleaves.

It is a commitment

out of steadfast love

that friends give

voluntarily to others.

Proverbs lists examples

of fair-weather friends,

not the friends you want.

Friendships that are there

in the good times,

but scarper.

I know you're all

my good friends

because you came out

on a night like tonight.

Whereas the fair-weather friends

thought it was a little cold

and a little wet.

Proverbs 19,

wealth brings many new friends,

but a poor man

is deserted by his friends.

Proverbs 14,

the poor is disliked

by his neighbor,

but the rich

has many friends.

Fair-weather friends

are only in

for the benefit

they can glean

for themselves.

If you want an example

of that,

the prodigal son.

He spends all his father's

inheritance,

he's surrounded

by loads of people.

When it runs out,

he quickly finds himself

alone in the pigsty

because he's just got

fair-weather friends.

True friends are there,

they are committed,

they're constant.

They're there

when the chips are down

and also when the ship

comes in.

True friends are

there.

But they are also

aware.

They're careful

with you.

They know you

and they know

how you feel.

They are emotionally

connected

and they get you.

They get you.

Proverbs highlights

very powerfully

the danger of people

and friends

that are not aware,

who speak

unthinkingly,

behave unsympathetically

and act

uncompassionately.

So Proverbs 26,

like a madman

who throws firebrands,

arrows and death,

is the man

who deceives his neighbor

and says,

I am only joking.

Proverbs 27,

whoever blesses his neighbor

with a loud voice

rising early in the morning

will be counted

as cursing.

Proverbs 25,

whoever sings songs

to a heavy heart

is like one

who takes off

a garment

on a cold day

and like vinegar

on soda.

Proverbs 25,

let your foot

be seldom

in your neighbor's house,

lest he have his fill

of you

and hate you.

The common threads

of all of these Proverbs

is that these people

are not connected.

They don't have

the emotional savvy

to work out

what is really

going on.

So,

in the first one,

there's the individual

who plays a trick,

who maybe is sarcastic,

but he doesn't know

you well enough

to know how

you're going to take it.

So,

when it all goes badly,

they just go,

I'm only joking.

So,

we know that

many a true statement

is hidden in jest.

They're not careful

with you.

They're not aware

of what makes you tick.

Or the man

who has good intentions

of blessing his neighbor,

but has not thought

that his early morning

hollering on the garden lawn

might be detrimental

to his sleep.

It's a good intention,

but he's not connected.

Or singing songs,

these are intrinsically

joy-filled songs,

singing joy-filled songs

to the man

with a heavy heart.

Someone crippled

with sadness

doesn't want you

to start the chorus,

I'm H-A-P-P-Y,

I'm H-A-P-P-Y,

I know I am,

I'm sure I am,

I'm H-A-P-P-Y,

it's insensitive.

Or the person

who doesn't know

when to leave.

He's not connected enough

to know when they've

maybe outstayed

their welcome.

Let your foot

be seldom

in your neighbor's house

lest he has his fill

of you and hate you.

True friends

are aware.

They're emotionally

connected

and they care

about what is done

and said

and how it's going

to impact you.

They're careful.

There's an emotional

connectedness.

Thirdly,

I think proverbs

say they dare.

And I think

this balances

perfectly

with the awareness

points.

It's not that

they just tread

on eggshells

around you,

but they're not

going to hurt you

unnecessarily.

that true friends

do tell people

what they need

to hear

for their

good.

They're emotionally

connected to you

so they're entering

into this problem

with you.

But they do love

you enough

to tell you.

Haven't we

so often thought,

oh, we can't

tell them that

because we love

them.

But what we're

really saying is

we love ourselves

so much that we

don't want to put

ourselves through

the emotional

ordeal of having

to tell people

perhaps things

that they don't

want to hear.

True friends

don't do it in

a vindictive way

to harm,

but in a loving

way to help.

There is a

candidness

amongst true

friends.

Say Proverbs

Proverbs 27:5

27 verse 5,

better is open

rebuke than

hidden love.

Better to

confront people

with the truth

they need to

hear than

cover it over

in an act of

self-preservation

and conceal

seal that you

love them.

Proverbs

27,

faithful are

the wounds

of a friend,

profuse are

the kisses

of an enemy.

Proverbs

28,

whoever rebukes

a man will

afterward find

more favor than

he who flutters

with his tongue.

Good friends

are not yes

men.

Good friends

are people out

of love for you,

want the best

for you,

and are

therefore prepared

to share what

might otherwise

be difficult.

Someone famously

quoted,

true friends

stab you in

the front.

Fourthly and

finally,

true friends

are there,

they are aware,

they dare,

and they

share.

There is a

transparency

to true

friendship.

There is a

sharing of

life.

There's not a

stiff upper lip,

rubbing shoulders,

this far but

no further,

there's an

openness.

You can

share with

them,

they can

share with

you.

There's a

two-way

transaction

going.

Don't we

find it so

disarming

when somebody

shares their

problems,

and suddenly

we think,

oh, I

could share

my problems.

Proverbs

Proverbs 27:9

27,

verse 9,

oil and

perfume make

the heart

glad,

and the

sweetness of

a friend

comes from

his earnest

counsel,

his earnest

counsel,

his heartfelt

openness.

He lists two

things that are

incredibly precious,

oil and

perfume,

and he says

when somebody

shares of

themselves with

you,

that's equally

as precious,

if not more.

That in true

friendship,

there's a

profound

openness,

a deep

sharing of

life that

is incredibly

precious.

To have

friends with

whom you

can share

your toughest

predicaments

and darkest

secrets in

confidence and

safety in

order to gain

help,

support,

assistance,

and

accountability

is incredibly

precious.

If we have

people who

are like that

for us,

we are truly

blessed people,

and it's

something we

all need,

so we've

all got to

work at it.

Proverbs

25 gives

us the flip

side,

argue your

case with

your neighbor

and do

not reveal

another

secret,

lest he

who hears

you bring

shame upon

you,

and your

ill repute

have no

end.

Someone who's

not transparent

with their

own life,

but absorbs

other secrets

and then

openly shares

them with

everyone else,

and it's

incredibly

hurtful,

incredibly

dangerous,

and as we

betray the

trust of

others,

no one

will trust

us.

Like people

that criticize

people all

the time,

I find

myself so

ready for

them,

so readily

disposed to

them,

that actually

if you

criticize two

people,

they think,

well, when I'm

not in the

room,

they must

criticize me.

We're very

caged towards

our friendship,

and people's

track record

really does

have an

impact on

whether we

trust them

or not.

So Proverbs

says,

good friends

are marked

by these

four qualities.

Good friends

are there,

they're constant,

they're aware,

they're careful,

they dare,

they're candid,

and they share.

There's a

counsel,

there's an

openness.

If you want

two instead

of four,

Tim Keller

comes up with

these,

good friends

always let

you in

and never

let you

down.

Good friends

always let

you in

and never

let you

down.

I don't

know how

you respond

to those

four things.

Are you

someone who

is there,

who's aware,

who shares,

and who's

daring?

As I

responded to

these four

things,

let me tell

you what

hit me.

The first

is this,

a real

longing.

I became

conscious of

both my

lack of

and need

for

good

friends.

True

friends like

this.

I'd say

I'd have a

lot of

acquaintances,

very few

really good

friends.

It's a sad

fact of life

that friends

are harder

to make

the older

you get.

School

was easy.

Conquers

seem to be

this perfect

thing for

making

friends

kick

around the

football

field.

University

quite

simple,

work

harder,

unless you

invite your

friends to

come and

work with

you.

I dare

say the

trajectory

continues into

later life.

Friends are

harder the

older we

get.

Also,

that friendships

are taken

away faster

than we can

forge them.

Making

really good

friends takes

time and

people's

mobility makes

forging good

friends difficult

with work and

opportunity taking

people away

the minute you

think you're just

on the cusp of

good friendships.

Time

pressures.

Friendship takes

time and we

live in a world

that is so

frantically busy

and hectic.

And the

pedestalling of

family life,

the protection

of time

inhibit our

friendships,

the deception

of Facebook,

he knew it

was coming,

the deception

of Facebook

and social

media and

email that

deceive us

into thinking

we have a

broad matrix

of spectacular

friendships,

when really

we have a

disconnected list

of strangers,

well-wishipping

acquaintances,

all in place

of flesh and

blood face-to-face

friendships.

We also spend

a lot of time

on one-way

friendships,

where we

expend emotional

energy as we

bond with

sports stars,

actors and

other icons,

or reducing

our ability

to make good

friends.

All these

things,

though maybe

increasing the

quantity of

our relationships,

definitely

reduce the

quality of

our friendships.

So as I

thought of

what is a

true friend,

I had a

real longing

to have

better friends,

not that my

friends are not

good friends,

but to have

deeper friends

and stronger

friendships.

Secondly,

as well as a

sense of

longing,

this study in

true friendship

created a sense

of conviction.

It revealed that

I am not always

a very good

friend,

and I think

as a general

rule of thumb,

good friends

have good

friends.

people that

are there,

who share,

who dare,

who are

aware,

find that

there's other

people in

their lives

who do

the same

for them.

So it

is, I

think,

as I go

on from

here with

God's help,

I seek to

exhibit these

qualities to

others,

that a

hope will

find them

reciprocated to

me and my

friendships

deepened.

we need

to raise

the bar

of friendship.

So many

of us are

looking for

people around

whom we

can be

ourselves,

but the

true genius

of true

friendship is

that true

friends make

us better

than

ourselves.

People that

are always

encouraging us,

particularly in a

Christian sense,

people that are

always encouraging

us to pursue

Jesus more.

Proverbs 13

Proverbs 13:20

verse 20,

whoever walks

with the wise

becomes wise,

but the

companion of

fools will

suffer harm.

Which brings

us into land

on the how

of friendship.

How can we

be better

friends?

Well, the

answer, I

think, is that

universal Sunday

school answer,

Jesus.

Some remarkable

things about

Jesus.

They crucify him

because he's

friends with the

wrong people.

Always being

told, why are

you friends with

them?

Why are you

hanging out with

sinners and tax

collectors?

Why are you

their friends?

Jesus known as

the friend of

sinners.

Jesus who's

open, who

shares his

life, who

tells people

what they

really need

to hear,

who is very

careful with

people.

In John 15,

something remarkable

happens.

This is my

commandment,

that you love

one another as

I have loved

you.

Greater love

is no one

than this,

that someone

lay down his

life for his

friends.

You are my

friends, if you

do what I

command you.

No longer do

I call you

servants, for

the servant

does not know

his master is

doing.

But I have

called you

friends, for

all that I

have heard

from my

father I

have made

known to

you.

Do you see

Jesus lets

us in?

He lets us

know his

business, not

just his

business but

he tells us

about the

father's

business as

well.

That he

never lets

us down,

even when it

cost him his

own life, he

willingly went

all the way

for us.

Jesus always

lets us in

and he

never lets

us down.

It's

remarkable as

friendship with

God lost at

the fall, only

seen twice in

the Old

Testament, is

now available

to you and

me through

Jesus Christ.

At the start

we said that

sin spoiled

relationship because

it focused us on

ourselves and

yet in Jesus

and his

sacrifice for

us we have

one who dies

for us to

disarm the

power of

sin and

self in

our lives and

liberates us

to be good

friends.

We have one

who gave up

his eternal

Trinitarian

friendship so

that our

friendship with

God and

others could

be restarted.

At the cross

the God's

head's friendship

was ruptured so

that our

friendship could

be repaired.

And his

wounds are

ultimately the

wounds of a

friend.

wounds that

he doesn't

afflict on

us but

wounds that

he takes

in our

place.

Crucified for

being friends

with the wrong

people, sinners

and tax

collectors, you

and me.

Jesus is a

wonderful friend.

He comes so

far to be

friends with you

and me.

It dissolves

this idea that

we can only be

friends with people

like us.

Jesus is not

like us at

all.

There's no

one less

like us.

And yet he

comes and he

befriends us.

The ultimate

friend who does

make us better

than ourselves.

Jesus is the

ultimate friend

who liberates us

to be a true

friend and pursue

true friendships.

Greater love

has no one

than this that

one lay down

his life for

his friends.

Than the

greatest friend

is the one

who laid down

the most

for his

friends.

Jesus is

the ultimate

friend, a

divine friend

better than

any other

friend.

The friend

who is always

there, promising

to be with us

to the very

end of the

age.

The friend

who is slow

to anger,

who is

thoughtful and

tender, who

is eternally

trustworthy, who

will never let

us down.

One who

shares our

pain, comforts

us in sorrow

and sympathizes

with us in

weakness.

He rescues us

from our great

trouble and

liberates us

to ripple

his friendship

of loving

us to death

out to

others.

He is the

ultimate friend

who is

constantly working

to make us

better than

ourselves and

from one

degree of

newness to

another.

It is right

to conclude

what a friend

we have in

Jesus.

All our sins

and griefs

to bear, what

a privilege to

carry everything

to God in

prayer.

Here's the

big lesson

of the day.

How can we

be better

friends?

By having

a deeper

friendship

with Jesus

Christ.

And as we

befriend him

closer, he

rubs off onto

us, which

enables us to

be the kind

of people that

others love and

benefit and

grow from being

friends with.

How do you

become a tree

friend?

Look at love

and imitate the

Lord Jesus who

is our ultimate

friend forever.

Let me pray.

Father God,

thank you that

you don't call

us servants.

Father, we

weren't even

worthy of that.

Father, but you

call us friends.

That in Jesus,

our ultimate

friend, the hope

of friendship, the

benefit of friendship,

the glory of

friendship with

you is possible.

And so our

prayer is that you

would make us

more like the

friends that Jesus

has been to us.

That we would be

friends that are

constant, friends

that are careful.

Father, friends that

are candid.

Friends that are

continuously encouraging

each other to be more

like Jesus.

Father, we don't just

want to rub

shoulders.

Father, we don't

want to just stop

at fellowship and

think that that's

enough.

But Father, I pray

in our church we

would have deep and

rich and fruitful

and edifying

friendships that

would help us in

our journey of

faith pursuing your

son Jesus.

In whose name we

pray.

Amen.