Meaning Filled Marriage

Good evening. Evening. I've got one evening. Thanks, Johnny. Nice to see you out here this

evening with us. As Graham said, my name's Andy, and I'm one of the ministers down at

Nidra Community Church. I think I've spoken here a few times. It's a privilege to be back

with you here this evening. And as you said, we're talking about marriage, and there are

quite a few passages that talk about this important subject, but we're going to just

hone in on Ephesians chapter 5. So if you want to turn with me there, I'm going to read

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

that, and it's going to be important that you just have that open in front of you, because

I'm going to pretty much be preaching through that text. So Ephesians chapter 5, and we're

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

on verses 22 to the end of the chapter. All right, let's read this, and I'll pray, and

then we'll get stuck in. So, this is God's word to us. Wives, submit to your own husbands

as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of

the church, his body, and is himself its saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also

wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the

church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by

the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour,

without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife

loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just

as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his

father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery

is profound, and I'm saying it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you

love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Amen? Let's pray.

Father God, we thank you for that wonderful bit of scripture we just read, that tells of Christ's

love for his bride, the church. And we just pray as we come to this text, that you'd help me

to honour the Lord Jesus. And I pray for each one of us, that you'd help us to hear from your words.

And not just be hearers, but be doers as well. We desperately need your spirit to take these words,

and then put them in our hearts. We pray you do that this evening. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Amen. So I was speaking to someone a few weeks ago, and he said this to me. He said,

you know what, Andy? Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done since becoming a Christian.

Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done since becoming a Christian. And for those of us

who are maybe married this evening, I don't know if you can relate to that comment. Marriage can be

difficult, can't it? Because in marriage, what happens is that it brings two sinners together

from different backgrounds, with different ways of doing things, and puts them in a relationship

for life. No wonder the Apostle Paul calls marriage a mystery. A mystery.

So what is this marriage thing all about? Why did God create it? What's this thing all about?

What's the point? Well, if you just look back at our text, Paul gives us the reason for marriage

at the end of our text in verses 31 and 32. Let me say them again. He says,

therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and the two

shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the

church. So marriage means two things here. Firstly, marriage is a lifelong union between one man and

between one woman. So in this passage, Paul points back to the account in Genesis 2 that we got read

earlier. In Genesis 2, we see God taking Eve out of Adam because it was not good for man to be alone.

And when Adam sees Eve, he basically jumps out of his skin with excitement, doesn't he? He says this,

at last, I found someone whose bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. And then God says this,

a man shall leave his parents and then hold fast to his wife. And the language here is that of leaving

and cleaving. A man leaves his family unit and is united with his wife through the act of sex

to make a new family unit. And Genesis 2 points to the fact that sex is for marriage and marriage is

for life. Now in our culture these days, that's been thrown out a little bit, hasn't it? People say

this to me all the time, particularly in Nidri. Marriage, why do I need that? Why can't I just live

my partner? Isn't marriage just a piece of paper at the end of the day and that's it? I love them.

What more do I need than that? But Paul is showing us here that God created marriage in the very

beginning. It was the foundation to the very first society. The Bible actually begins with marriage

right at the beginning and it actually ends with marriage as well. So what the Bible is telling us

is that marriage is important to God. It's not something that we can let go. It's not just a

cultural thing. It's not an old-fashioned institution that doesn't matter anymore. Marriage is deeper

than that piece of paper. It's the foundation for society. It's the safest place to raise children.

It safeguards sex. It gives security to husband and wife. I mean, think about the heartbreak that is

caused by breakups, by broken relationships, the emotional distress that is caused by distress. Maybe some of us

have felt that in our lives. Marriage was created not to be like that. It was created to be a union.

It was created for life. So first, it's that union between man and woman. Secondly, Paul says there's a

deeper spiritual reality going on here. Paul says that the marriage relationship paints a picture

of Christ and the church. What does he mean by that? Well, he says Christ laid down his life for the

church's bride. And in the same way, our marriage relationship should reflect that relationship

that Christ has with his church. To reflect that sacrificial love. It should reflect that profound

love that Christ has for us. Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones says this, or writes this,

how many of us have realized that we are always to think of the married state in terms of the doctrine

of the atonement. It does not belong to ethics, but we must consider marriage in terms of the

doctrine of the atonement. In other words, what we say is marriage is deep. It points to something.

It points to Christ dying on the cross. It teaches us about the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And when we think about it, I take that step back. That can help us in our marriage, can't it?

I mean, a lot of people these days get into marriage because they found that perfect person.

And they're going to live happily ever after. They say things like, I found the one. I found

my soulmate. And this lasts until they get married and she finds his toenails in the bed.

Or he finds that her hair has blocked the drain once again. And then suddenly, it's out the window.

Marriage is rosy until we find out the other person is selfish and impatient and unloving.

And it's not the perfect person, the perfect match. In a word, we find out when we get married

that the other person is a big fat sinner. And at the engagement period, there's actually

been a little bit of a sham. But this spiritual picture of Jesus dying on the cross helps us,

doesn't it, this evening? It helps us to remember that Christ died for sinners, of which my spouse

is going to be one of them. We are married to a fellow sinner, not Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.

But it also reminds us that a godly marriage does not take place by us looking at one another.

A godly marriage is built as we look upon Christ.

A godly marriage is built as we look upon Christ, particularly dying on the cross.

I mean, his death, remember, shows us his gracious and his sacrificial love towards sinners like us.

And so what do we do when our husband or wife frustrates us, which happens, doesn't it,

from time to time? We do what Christ has done for us, don't we?

We forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We love as Christ has loved us. We are patient as Christ has been patient with us.

We remember that Christ humbled himself unto death on a cross, and so we need to put away pride

and humbly serve one another. Basically, empowered by the Spirit of God, two Christians together see the love of Christ

and mimic that in their relationships.

Let me make a little side point. Maybe some of you of us are single this evening, maybe looking to get married in the future.

And I always say this to my people back in Nidra, because we've got quite a few single lads and ladies,

I always say, marriage will not complete you.

Don't think marriage is going to sort out all your problems, because it isn't.

In fact, all that happens in marriage is that you find out how sinful you are.

You realise how selfish you are.

Marriage is like a little bit of a picture

that points out your faults

and your needs of Jesus Christ.

I remember my first

year anniversary with my wife.

We were away

in Greece,

and we were away with my family, but we went away for dinner.

Me and my wife went to a lovely evening

in the hills, candlelit dinner,

lovely food,

and then my wife turns around to me and says,

Andy, I need to tell you something.

Looks into my eyes.

You've been very selfish recently.

Happy anniversary.

And that's true, isn't it?

In marriage, you find out

how selfish

and sinful you are.

So how are two sinners

brought together going to last?

How are we going to get through

the ups and downs of life?

How are we going to get through

the different personality quirks

and stresses of life?

It's the gospel.

It's the gospel.

It's the death

of our Lord Jesus Christ.

We need him, don't we?

To build

healthy,

godly

marriages.

So the meaning of marriage

is that mysterious union

between man and woman.

That points to

Lord Jesus' death

on the cross.

So how do we reflect

Christ in the church

and our relationships?

What does

a godly marriage

look like?

Well, Paul gives us

two commands

in that text

if you remember.

Firstly,

it says wives

need to submit.

And secondly,

he says husbands

need to love.

Let me say

at this point

that these commands

are not just

for husbands and wives

but for the whole church.

Again,

if we're single

and thinking

I need to switch off

right now,

don't do it.

We are all called

to submit.

We are all called

to love.

So although I'm going to

apply these specifically

to Christians

who are married

this evening,

wherever life,

wherever we're at

in life,

these commands

apply to us.

So firstly,

wives submit.

Look at verse 22.

Again,

just so you can see

I'm not making it up.

It says wives submit

to your own husbands

as to the Lord.

So this is probably

one of the most

controversial commands

probably in the Bible

these days.

People think

this is backwards.

People think

this is old fashioned.

There's actually

quite a lot of hate

towards this command

because we live

in a generation

where women

have been liberated

from this kind of stuff.

People look at this command

and think it's been

misused over the years

and so we're past

that submitting malarkey.

We're going to

throw that one out.

That's just a cultural thing.

But let me make this clear

this evening.

This command

should never be used

to oppress women.

That's not what

it's there for.

This command

should actually

allow wives

to flourish

under the loving

headship

of their husbands.

And the problem

here isn't

the command.

The problem

is the abuse

of the command

over many years.

I mean no wife

would be questioning

this command

if men

led their wives

as they were supposed to.

No wife

would be complaining

if her husband

was selfless,

patient,

gentle,

sensitive,

always looking for her best

and loving her well.

There wouldn't be any

question about it

would there?

But the problem

is that as men

we can be a muppet

a lot of the time.

We're self-centered.

We're lazy.

We're impatient.

We're proud.

Sometimes we're bulls

like bulls

in a china shop

a lot of the time.

But either way

this command

is here

and we cannot

escape it.

And we cannot

even just say

it's not for our time

anymore because

Paul roots this

again in creation

to prove his point.

He says that

in his original

design

Adam was created

to be head

of his wife.

Adam was created

first

and he was created

to have

authority

over Eve.

He was supposed

to lead her

and he was supposed

to care for her

as God had cared

and led him.

So what does

submission look like?

Well let me start

with what it doesn't

mean.

Submission

doesn't mean

that a wife

is less than

a husband.

It doesn't mean

that she is a

second class

citizen.

Again the

Genesis account

says man and

woman were created

equally in the

image of God

but they were

given different

roles.

submission

also doesn't

mean that wives

are some sort

of slaves

to their

husbands.

She's not some

sort of doormat

that is supposed

to be chained

to the kitchen

sink.

Headship

does not mean

dictatorship.

We're not

in North Korea.

It's not do

whatever the

supreme leader

says and I

have no say.

That's not what

submission and

headship should

look like.

Submission

in the Bible

is a voluntary

act of love.

It's a voluntary

act of love.

So think about

in the Trinity.

What does the

son do?

The son

submits to

the father.

This does not

mean that he is

less God.

This does not

mean he's a

doormat.

But he chooses

to submit to

the father.

Why?

Because he

loves him.

It's his role

to submit as

a son.

Even though

he is totally

100% equal

with God.

And actually

when wives

submit to

their husbands

as to the

Lord,

they honour

the Lord

Jesus.

They honour

the Lord

Jesus.

And in fact

when wives

submit to

their husbands

they mirror

the action

of God

the son.

They are

acting in a

very Christ-like

manner.

So for

those of us

who are

wives this

evening,

the question

is,

are we

submitting

with a

good attitude?

Are we

encouraging

our husband's

leadership?

Or are we

always trying

to undermine

him?

Do we

honour our

husbands as

our spiritual

heads?

Are we

constantly

moaning

and nagging

him?

You see

submission

again is

all about

attitudes.

Doing it

joyfully,

doing it

freely,

doing it

because we

love our

husbands.

And remember

I'm not saying

this is easy.

Remember it

wasn't easy

for Jesus

Christ to go

to the cross

and submit

to the

Father and

yet he did

it.

So as

wives we

are called

to do that

even if it

is painful

at times.

Others have

some of us

this evening

who are

wiser thinking

well I

want to

submit to

my husband

but he

is a

lazy

jab of

the

huts.

What am

I to

do?

Do I

still need

to submit?

Well if

you are a

wife in

that situation

and you

need to

pray for

your husband

and you

need to

gently

encourage

your husband

do not

push him

away by

nagging

him

it's

going to

get you

nowhere

but pray

for him

gently

encourage

him

and know

we men

are going

to mess

up

I can

guarantee

you that

for 100%

but that

doesn't change

the command

of submission

and those

of us

who are

husbands

let me

remind

us

that when

we lead

well

our wives

should

flourish

as

husbands

we need

to think

of our

wives

as

flowers

that

need

to be

nurtured

and

taken

care

of

you see

if our

wives

are wilting

and not

flourishing

then we

are not

leading

well

are we

we need

to repent

ask the

Lord's

forgiveness

and work

on our

headship

once again

so in a

godly

marriage

wives

submit

secondly

husbands

are called

to love

their

wives

and this

is a

deep

deep

love

once again

that we

are called

to

just look at

verses 25

to 28

again

let me read

them again

husbands

love your

wives

as Christ

loved the

church

and gave

himself

up for

her

that he

might

sanctify

her

having

cleansed

her

by the

washing

of water

with the

words

so that

he might

present

the

church

to

himself

in

splendor

without

spot

or wrinkle

or any

such thing

that she

might be

holy

and without

blemish

in the same

ways

husbands

should love

their wives

as their

own bodies

he who

loves his

wife

loves

himself

so in this

passage we see

Christ's love

once again

the fact that

he gave up

his life

for his

church

the fact that

he sanctifies

her

the fact that

he cleanses

her

the fact that

he presents

her spotless

before the

throne of

God

and in the

same way that

Christ loves

his church

we husbands

are called to

love our wives

in the same

way

so let's look

at some of

those things

firstly we're

supposed to

love our wives

with a

sacrificial

love

a sacrificial

love

I mean think

about Christ

once again

he left

the joys of

heaven to

come to the

poverty of

this earth

and what did

he do while

he was here

well

although he was

king of the

universe a

mighty king he

came as a

lowly servant

didn't he

and served his

disciples

and then he

died the most

agonizing death

on the cross

for undeserving

sinners like you

and me

and that is

the kind of

love that is

called for in

our marriages

as husbands

we are called

to put our

wives needs

above our

own

we're called

to die to

our desires

our wishes

our wants

for the sake

of our

wives

but this again

won't be easy

because we are

naturally selfish

we are naturally

bent inwards

we naturally

want what

we want

but joy

is found

when we put

one another

first isn't

it

that's where

real joy

is found

Alistair Begg

writes this

the greatest

joy we will

experience in

marriage is

found when

we learn to

put our

partner first

when we

value the

happiness of

our spouse

over our

own happiness

we will

begin to

understand the

meaning of

true

sacrificial

love

and that's

what we're

called to

as husbands

this evening

we're called

to put our

partner's

happiness

our wives

happiness

above our

own

we're called

to selfless

love

as opposed

to selfishness

at the end

of the day

headship

is about

service

Jesus said

this to

disciples

squabbling

for power

but whoever

would be

great among

you must

be your

servant

and whoever

would be

first among

you must

be slave

of all

for even

the son

of man

came not

to be

served

but to

serve

and give

his life

as a

ransom

for many

and that

should be

our cool

husbands

we serve

we don't

domineer

but we

serve

our wives

so we

have that

sacrificial

love

secondly

we're

called to

sacrificially

and lovingly

lead our

wives

spiritually

we're called

to lovingly

lead our

wives

spiritually

you see

if you

notice in

that text

Christ

doesn't

just leave

us on

our own

when we're

saved

does he

what does

he do

he gently

sanctifies

cleanses

and presents

us spotless

before the

throne

of

God

he is

constantly

changing

us

by his

spirit

as believers

this evening

and he does

that patiently

doesn't he

he's so

patient with

us

he does

that gently

but he

doesn't let

sing go

at the same

time

and in the

same way

as husbands

this evening

we're called

to gently

and sensitively

lead

our

wives

and this

is important

because as

husbands

we are

going to

be called

to account

on how

we have

led our

wives

spiritually

when

Eve

sinned

who did

God

call upon

it wasn't

Eve

he went

straight to

Adam

and as

husbands

this evening

we will be

judged

more strictly

on that

day

so the

question is

are we

leading our

wives

spiritually

this evening

as

husbands

and my

guess is

some of

us are

not

some of

us are

quite

lazy

we'd

rather

watch

sport

all day

than

focus

and point

our

wives

to the

Lord

Jesus

Christ

we have

a hard

day at

work

and then

we come

home

and we

laze

upon the

TV

all evening

instead of

serving

our

family

but as

husbands

we are

called

to lead

the family

unit

spiritually

by reading

the Bible

through

prayer

and holding

our wives

to account

here's a

question to

ask yourselves

this evening

if you're

a husband

is my

wife

more like

Christ

because she's

married to

me

is my

wife

more like

Christ

because she's

married to

me

is my

wife

flourishing

under my

headship

or is

she

wilting

too

often

we're like

balls in

a china

shop

dishing

out

advice

without

sensitively

listening

to our

wives

and now

I am

too often

we're

ready to

rebuke

and yet

we do

it with

a self

righteous

attitude

too often

we are

lazy

and we

do not

point our

wives to

the Lord

Jesus

Christ

and we

need to

repent

of these

attitudes

don't we

this evening

we need to

repent

and seek

to lead

as Christ

has called

us to

so as

husbands

we have a

great

responsibility

don't we

this evening

a great

one

I don't

know about

you but

every time

I read

these

commands

in fact

I've been

preparing

this week

it's been

kicking me

left and

right

because we

fall so

far short

don't we

and so

what I need

to do

and what

you need

to do

is constantly

confess

our lack

of love

for our

wives

to Christ

and ask

him that

he might

help us

because we

cannot do it

by ourselves

if we're

going to

remember

anything

this evening

remember

this

Christ

showed

his love

for each

one of

us

by dying

for us

not while

we were

perfect

not while

we were

good

not while

we were

righteous

but when

we were

in sin

Graham

read this

out earlier

this is

love

not that

we love

God

we were

his enemies

but that

he loved

us

and sent

his son

as an

atoning

sacrifice

for our

sins

just think

about

Jesus

Christ

he loved

his

disciples

even though

they were

annoying

they were

frustrating

at times

he loved

his

disciples

even though

one

betrayed

him

he still

washed

Judas'

feet

in John

13

he loved

even though

all his

disciples

abandoned

him

at his

greatest

time

of need

as he

died

on the

cross

and he

loved

us

even

when

we

were

his

enemies

not his

friends

and in the

same way

this evening

we are

called to

love one

another

and this is

for all

people

isn't it

whether you're

single

or whether

you are

married

listen

husbands

our wives

will annoy

us at

times

our wives

will nag

us at

times

and that

will be

frustrating

listen

wives

our husbands

will do

stupid

things

will say

things at

the wrong

time

will be

insensitive

but we are

called to

love one

another

like Christ

has loved

us

and what

that means

is that we

love people

we don't

deserve it

that's the

love that we

need for

one another

we start

with the fact

that marriage

is difficult

it is a joy

of course

as well

we've been

married six

years

and I

love marriage

but it is

difficult

isn't it

my task

isn't made

any easier

by looking

at those

commands

isn't it

submission

and love

especially when

you have a

look at them

and see how

difficult they

are

we're going

to mess

up

we're going

to dishonor

one another

but here's the

hope

we have the

gospel

do not

flee to

one another

this evening

but flee

to Christ

for help

if anything

all these

commands do

is help us

to cling

to the

Lord Jesus

more and

more

because he

is our

strength

he is our

hope

he is our

portion

this evening

and as we

run to the

Lord Jesus

Christ

and see the

great love

that he has

had for us

as sinners

it will help

us to have

compassion and

love for each

other in our

marriages

and also in

this church

as well

we confess

our sin

regularly

we look to

Christ

and love

one another

well

amen

let me pray

for us

father God

we thank you

for the great

joy

and privilege

marriage is

but we know

when we look

at our

relationships

that marriage

is difficult

as well

and I just

pray that you

might empower

each one of

the couples

here to

love one

another as

Christ has

loved them

help wives

to submit

with a joyful

attitude as

Christ submitted

to the

father

I pray that

husbands would

lay down their

lives for

their wives

Lord forgive

us for our

sin we

confess that we

have not lived

up to the

standards that

you've called

us in

scripture and

yet we flee

to Christ

thank you

that there

is forgiveness

there thank

you that there

is rest

there I

just pray that

this church

at Brunsfield

would continue

to be built

up in

Christ and

that they

would reflect

his bride

more and

more and

that you

would present

them spotless

and without

fault before

you on that

glorious day

when Christ

finally meets

his bride the

church forever

in Jesus

name we

pray amen

before we

sing I'll

hand back to

Graham

a couple of

questions

apparently you

have a bit of

Q&A

well you're not

asking me

questions but I'm

going to give you a

couple of questions

to go away and

think about

so a couple of

questions should you

think about what does

it mean for

husbands to love

their wives as

Christ loves the

church

and then second

question in what

ways can I love my

spouse better and

are there any sins

that I need to

confess if you

want to go

dangerous then

you ask your

husband and wife

that question

me and my wife

do this once a

quarter we ask

each other is

there anything

that I've done

to harm you in

the last few

months particularly

is there anything

I can improve on

any sins that

you see in my

life that can be

a painful

conversation but

a fruitful one as

well so you can

either ask it to

yourself or ask

your husband and

wife cool

hand up to

Graham

or then

chat

m

director

of

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come

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