Grieving

Thank you, Katie. Good evening, everyone. Really good to have you with us tonight.

On the back pew of this church, there's a plaque in memory of David McBride.

Mr. McBride was a very gentle, unassuming man.

I don't think I ever heard him taking part publicly in a church service.

But every week until a very old age, Mr. McBride would check the heating was on on a Sunday morning.

He would put the notes of the hymn boards up with the hymn numbers.

He would welcome latecomers at the door.

He would tidy the books away at the end of the service.

And lots and lots of other things that went unseen.

He was a fine role model to many of us.

On Hockman A in 1995, fairly late in the evening, we got a call from Sheila McBride, David McBride's daughter,

saying that he had passed away at the age of 101.

I went over with a number of other close friends.

And we sat around and we reflected on a long life that was well lived for the Lord Jesus.

We were sad because someone we loved and knew had gone.

But we were also thankful.

Thank you for thankful for a good life, live for the Lord Jesus.

Thank you for thankful that its end ended in a fairly straightforward way without a lot of suffering.

And I think we could identify with what Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 4,

that we don't grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope.

But a year and a half before that, we got a call on Sunday morning.

The 10-month-old son of a close relative had died in his cot.

Bridget and I went with other family to the house.

And naturally, the parents were distraught.

And we were asking, how and why could such a thing happen to a baby who was so loved and had so much potentially before him?

And the grief was almost unbearable.

I think for me, these two deaths represent the extremes of grief that I've witnessed.

There was a further family tragedy a few years later, which would also be in that category.

But it illustrated to me, as I was thinking about this evening, that there's no one experience of grief.

Every death is different, and our response to it is different.

And you can probably think back and think of loved ones or friends that you've lost,

and the effect, the impact that it had on you immediately and over time.

Every death is different.

Every experience of grief is different.

It depends a bit on how close we were to the person.

The death of a child or a spouse is probably the most traumatic thing that will happen to many people in their lives.

But the more distant the relationship or the friendship becomes,

the less we are affected by grief on someone's death.

It also depends on the circumstances.

Some people like Mr. McBride go peacefully, having a long life,

and we can be thankful for that.

Some people are taken suddenly, perhaps in an accident,

and there's enormous pain and questioning immediately as a result of it.

Some people die after long and difficult illnesses.

And in some ways our grieving has started sometime before,

as we knew that they were going to die.

And yet, when the actual moment comes,

there is still that great feeling of loss,

that we're never going to see them or be able to speak to them again.

Our response probably also depends on ourselves,

our own character,

and perhaps our own mental health.

So everything is different.

And even in our own reactions,

perhaps they're not always as we would expect.

King David in the Bible lost three sons during his lifetime in quick succession.

The first was the son who was born as a result of his adultery with Bathsheba.

And you remember that Nathan had told David that the son would die.

And as the boy, his baby grew very ill,

David was inconsolable.

He was face down to the ground,

praying to God, not eating, and so on.

And when the boy died,

his servants were really worried about what would happen.

If David was like this when the boy was ill,

what would he be like knowing that he had died?

But David's response, of course, as you may well remember,

is that he got up and he cleaned himself

and he got back into a normal situation of living.

Because he recognised that God's will had been done.

He had hoped that the boy would live.

The boy had died and he accepted that was God's will for him.

I'm sure he was very sad, full of grief,

but it wasn't what people expected.

The second son who died was Amnon.

Now, Amnon had fallen in love with

and raped his half-sister Tamar.

And another of David's sons, Absalom, then murdered him.

And David's response to that was one of grief, of sorrow,

but also of kind of evading things.

He hadn't dealt with the original problem with Amnon,

nor did he deal with Absalom

well after his killing of his brother.

And that then led to all sorts of problems with Absalom.

And he's the third one who died.

Absalom rebelled against David,

almost took the throne over.

David eventually prevailed

and Absalom got his head stuck in a tree

and Joab put three spears through it to kill him.

And as the people told David about that,

perhaps they thought, well, he said not to kill Absalom,

but actually he'll be quite pleased that we have.

And David was absolutely inconsolable.

He wished that he had died rather than Absalom.

Three different experiences in one life in the scriptures.

They're fairly close together,

probably a few years in practice between them.

Different experiences of death

and different reactions from the same person to them.

So I think one of the key things I want us all to take away this evening

is that every experience of death is different.

And if we're trying to help and support people in the church who are grieving,

we need to be very careful with making assumptions about how they'll be.

They might well be very different from what we expect.

And we have in every circumstance to be sensitive to how the person is

and to be for the Lord that we may be able to help and support them in the best way possible.

Psychiatrists tell us that there are a number of stages in grieving.

I've seen several different lists,

but I think this is a reasonable one when the grief is a result of someone dying.

There's often initial numbness,

just not being able to quite grasp what's going on.

Then there's maybe a time of denial, of disbelief.

This can't possibly be happening.

Sometimes there's anger, anger against God.

Why does God allow this to happen?

Why has God allowed this person to die?

Maybe even a bit illogically anger with the person themselves

for having died.

There's then sadness, a deep sadness about the person who's gone.

And in the end, acceptance of the situation.

Not total forgetting about the person,

but getting over the initial stages of grief.

I think that's helpful.

But again, I think it's probably a bit too simplistic.

So I thought of a number of other emotions that we might have with someone dying.

In some cases, there actually might be some relief of what's happened.

If the person has been suffering and going through a really difficult time

and they're a Christian,

we may well be saying,

well, they're now with the Lord.

It's much better for them.

Or if the person has caused us great hurt,

we might have relief that they're no longer with us.

We might also have feelings of guilt.

Could I have done more to help the person?

Could I have been more supportive of them while they were alive?

Perhaps even sometimes guilt that we don't feel sadder than we do

at the fact that they've died.

And then I think a very important one,

if we're thinking pastorally about this,

is the loneliness that many people suffer after a loved one dies.

Perhaps particularly after a spouse or someone really close to them.

And that is the part of grief that goes on and on.

In most people, the immediate pain of grief will diminish over time.

Probably over a period of months,

but it will diminish over time.

But the loneliness for many people,

the missing, the one who they love so much,

that can go on for years and years.

And if we're looking to care for members of the church who have lost others,

we need to be aware that many of them could be deeply lonely over a period.

Now again, perhaps even with that,

it all looks a bit simplistic and neat.

C.S. Lewis, the author C.S. Lewis,

married quite late in life.

And a fairly short time into his marriage,

his wife had cancer and she passed away.

And C.S. Lewis kept a journal after her death of his thoughts and feelings.

It was eventually published as a book called A Guilt Observed.

And it is brutally honest.

This most logical of men in most circumstances

recognises that his reaction to the death of his wife

is in many ways illogical,

and he finds it really difficult to understand.

The start of chapter two, I think,

probably a second journal,

he looks back over his first journal

and said,

I'm appalled at what I read,

at my response to what happened.

And he questions God,

he questions how a God of love

could allow such suffering.

He questions himself and his response is,

is he too self-centred?

Should he be more concerned about his wife

and particularly concerned about God

and turning to God in his situation?

And eventually, he does come to accept things

and his faith in God remains strong.

But that really illustrated for me

that the feelings that we have

following the death of a loved one

may not be that logical,

may not make sense to us or to others.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That is simply us coming to terms with what has happened

and getting to the stage where we can accept it.

So with that kind of background,

let's think about what the Bible has to say then

to those who are grieving.

And really just two simple things

that I want to say this evening.

One is that death is our enemy.

Death is something that shouldn't be there.

It's only there because of our sin.

And it's not something that we should accept

as being good and right

and just kind of part of the way things are.

Death is our enemy.

And Paul says,

we'll come back to it in a few minutes,

in 1 Corinthians 15,

the last enemy to be destroyed is death.

Now thinking of that, a few thoughts.

Every death is a reminder of our human failure.

Sin entered the world, says Paul,

through one man and death through sin.

And in this way, death came to all people

because all sinned.

And in a sense, every death,

every time someone dies,

that is a small victory for the enemy.

It's a reminder to us of the strength of the enemy,

of death,

and our own weakness.

You remember in John 11,

I think Corey referred to it in prayer,

where Jesus is talking at the grave of Lazarus.

He's been talking to Martha and Mary.

And it says,

Jesus wept.

Do you ever wonder why Jesus wept?

He knew that Lazarus was going to be raised back to life.

So it wasn't the same kind of weeping

that the family and others would have.

He knew what the outcome was going to be.

Perhaps it was just this,

that as he stood at that gravesite,

he was reminded of sin

and was reminded of its terrible consequences.

Perhaps also he's looking forward

to when he would himself take the consequences for sin,

when he would die for our sins.

Every death is a reminder that we are sinful people

and that death has come as a result of our sin.

I'm not saying that every death is right to specific sin,

it's not clearly,

but it is the result of the sinfulness of all of us.

Second thing to be aware of in this

is that Christ has overcome death.

Peter's first sermon in Acts chapter 2,

Acts 2 · chapter mention

he said,

God raised him from the dead,

freeing him from the agony of death

because it was impossible for death

to keep its hold on him.

Christ has overcome death.

That's the whole thing in 1 Corinthians 15, isn't it?

Paul is talking about the resurrection

and he's saying because Jesus has been raised from the dead,

then we don't need to fear death

because if we die, we too will be raised

and we'll go to be with them.

Again, it's there in 1 Thessalonians 4

that Katie read to us earlier.

That those who die don't need to,

we don't need to worry for them,

we don't need to grieve as other people do

because we know Christ has overcome death

and they will one day be raised

and will be restored to life

and will go to meet him in the air.

Christ has overcome death.

Third thing is because Christ has overcome death,

we don't need to fear it.

These are wonderful verses in Philippians chapter 1.

Philippians 1 · chapter mention

Paul with this tremendous dilemma.

Is it better that I stay alive and I work for Jesus

or that I die and go to be with him?

And he says,

For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

I desire to depart and be with Christ,

which is better by far.

Now we may be afraid of dying.

Dying is almost always messy.

It can be very painful.

It's not a good thing.

But we shouldn't be afraid of what lies beyond death.

If our trust is in the Lord Jesus,

if we know him as our saviour,

then we can be confident that what lies behind us,

what is in front of us,

is much better than where we are now.

To live is Christ, says Paul.

To die is gain.

And then the final point here

is that the enemy will be destroyed.

Death will not be with us forever.

Christ will return.

He will take those who love him to be with him

and he will have a reign over this earth.

And he will destroy all his enemies.

And Paul says the last enemy to be destroyed is death.

It's the ultimate enemy,

but it's an enemy that has been defeated

and that will be seen to have been comprehensively defeated.

Death will be swallowed up in victory.

Through the Lord Jesus.

So yes, death is the enemy.

Death is something which is with us because of our sin.

And yet if we know the Lord Jesus,

we don't need to fear it.

And if people who know the Lord Jesus have died

and gone to be with him,

we don't need to sorrow for them.

We might sorrow for ourselves and what we've lost,

but for them it's much better.

Now clearly if they don't know the Lord Jesus,

the situation is very different.

I'm not going to go into great detail about that this evening.

There is a judgment to come.

But for those of us who know the Lord,

where people die who know the Lord,

we can rejoice that they've gone to be with him.

So here's the first thing.

Death is our enemy.

And we are coming eventually to Psalm 46.

But I will just do one thing before that.

You may recognize Johnny Cash there.

Johnny Cash's last recording of a song he wrote

was called 1 Corinthians 1555.

Johnny Cash, you may know, was known as a Christian,

but he lived a very troubled life in many ways.

And he wrote this song after the death of his wife June

and when his death was clearly reasonably close.

And he was looking forward and thinking,

well, what comes next?

Here are the words he wrote.

Oh, death, where is thy sting?

Oh, grave, where is thy victory?

Oh, life, you are a shining path

and hope springs eternal just over the rise

when I see my Redeemer beckoning me.

The sting has been taken out of death.

The victory has been won by the Lord Jesus.

And one day he will beckon us to be with him,

whether through death or if we're alive at his return.

Our Redeemer will beckon us.

And now we're going to Psalm 46.

I'm only going to look at the first couple of verses

and the last couple of verses

for the sake of time this evening.

And the second thing I want to remember,

death is our enemy,

but God is our fortress.

Now, one thing we need to remember

is that we by ourselves are powerless over death.

And we can only be defended from it

and from its consequences

through one who is stronger than us,

who is able to surround us

and be our fortress.

And when we have this time of grieving

when someone has passed away,

it is good to remember our God

and what he is to us.

So a few thoughts on that.

Verse one,

God is our refuge and strength

and ever-present help in time of trouble.

And when we go through times of sorrow,

when we go through times of grief,

God, if we know the Lord Jesus,

God is with us.

God is there to protect us

and to help us

and to bring us through

the most difficult of situations.

Even when the whole world

seems to be falling apart around us,

that's the thought of verse two,

the mountains falling into the sea,

the waters foaming and so on,

the mountains quake with their surging.

Even when everything is falling apart

round about us,

God is there with us,

even if we're not aware of it.

And in the time of grief,

perhaps it is sometimes difficult

to see God at work.

Perhaps it is difficult to come to him

and to cast our troubles on him.

Now, in some cases,

it won't be.

In some cases,

people's faith will remain very strong

and they won't find it too difficult

to accept God's will.

But certainly,

there are many cases

where people,

as the world falls apart around them,

as they have lost someone

who they dearly loved,

when they're not aware

that God is with them.

And the important thing is that

over time,

that awareness comes back.

That is what I took from C.S. Lewis

when I read his book.

For a long time,

God seemed very distant from him.

But eventually,

as he began to think,

perhaps more carefully,

about what had happened,

he recognised that God was with him

and that God,

throughout his troubles,

was there to help.

And this evening,

if you're going through

a situation of grief

and perhaps you think,

well, where is God?

Where is God in this situation?

God is there waiting for you.

He is eager that you should come to him

and seek comfort and strength from him.

And if you're able to do that,

when you're able to do that,

then he will be there to help

and to encourage you.

Then at the end of the chapter,

at the end of the psalm,

there are these wonderful words,

verse 10,

Be still and know that I am God.

And perhaps that is what is sometimes

very difficult for us

in the time of crisis.

Just to be able to be still,

to still our hearts,

to be able to gather our thoughts together

and to meditate on our God.

If you're in that kind of situation,

two suggestions for you.

The first is,

read your Bible and think about it.

Meditate on what the words of Scripture say.

Perhaps the words of the psalm,

like psalms like Psalm 46,

that tell us about God.

Perhaps words of the Gospels,

of the Lord Jesus,

as he comes and he brings us

the wisdom and the love

and the care of God.

Perhaps some of the words

that we've read in the epistles this evening,

words that remind us

that the Lord Jesus

has won the victory over death.

Read these words.

Try to meditate on them.

And God will speak to you through them.

And then the second suggestion,

pray.

And if you find that difficult,

ask others to pray.

Speak to one of the elders

or one of the pastoral staff

and ask them to pray with you

or to pray for you.

And even if your prayer,

to begin with,

is faltering

and you feel that God isn't very close

and you're not sure

if it's going above the ceiling,

just persevere with it

and God is there.

God is wanting to hear

and God is wanting

to answer your prayers.

And as a church,

when someone suffers a bereavement,

it's good that we can come together

and we can bring them before the Lord

together

and bring their needs

to the Saviour.

good also

when there are opportunities

to pray with them

when that's appropriate

as well.

God says to us,

as you go through the deep waters,

as you go through the difficult times,

be still

and know

that I

am God.

There's a band,

a heavy metal band

called Machine Head

and they had a song

that was called

Be Still

and Know.

The guy there

is Phil Demmel

who is the lead guitarist

for the band.

Phil Demmel grew up

in a Christian family

and in particular

he had a Christian grandmother

and his grandmother

chose a verse

from the Bible

for each of her grandchildren,

a kind of life motto

for them

if you like.

And the verse she chose

for Phil Demmel

was Psalm 46

Psalms 46:10

verse 10.

Be still

and know

that I

am God.

And every time

you got a birthday card

or a Christmas card

from her

this verse

would be in it.

Be still

and know

that I

am God.

As a young man

you can probably see

he got lots of tattoos

on his arm

and at other places too

he got lots of tattoos

on his arm

and one of these tattoos

was the words

his grandmother

had taught him.

Be still

and know

that I

am God.

So one day

when he had

developed

a riff

on his guitar

that he was happy with

and he was trying

to think of some words

to put to it

these words

must have come back

to him

and he and his other

band members

wrote a song

called

Be Still

and Know.

Now I don't think

it's particularly

written from a Christian

perspective

in many ways

but I think

it's clear

from the words

of the chorus

I'm about to put up

that Phil Demmel

remembered a lot more

than just one verse

from what he had been

taught as a child.

Isn't it the power

of a godly grandmother

or grandparent

or godly parents

as well

that later in life

they can have

a real influence?

So this is the chorus

of the song

I think the words

are terrific.

And the sun will rise

Dawn will break

through darkest night

distant in its glow

This shall pass

Be still

and know

Now we're thinking

about what the Bible

says to the grieving

perhaps this is it

This shall pass

Be still

and know

that I

am God

The grief that you feel

will be intense

but with God's grace

you will gradually

begin to

return

to normal

And this shall pass

in the sense too

that one day

sin and death

will be behind us

and we will be

with the Lord Jesus

and be with him

forever

And with that

in our minds

and knowing that

we need to be still

and know

that he

is God

Let's pray

I continue to pray

for those who are

grieving in our church

A number of people

over the last year or two

have lost

close relatives

and Christmas time

will be particularly

difficult

for them

Let's support them

as a church

And if you are going

through a time of grieving

and finding it

really difficult

then seek the support

of the church

that we may pray

with you

and we may pray

for you

Let's just pray together

just now

Father we thank you

for your word

We thank you

for the tremendous truth

that although death

is our enemy

although it's the most

powerful of enemies

that last

that will be destroyed

it has indeed

been defeated

Christ has risen

victorious

from the dead

and we know now

that the dead

in Christ

will rise

to be with him

when he returns

that there is

a life beyond death

that is

much much better

than anything

in this world

We pray that we may

be comforted with that

when we go through

times of grief

and of bereavement

We pray that you will

help us to

recognise that you are

the God

who protects us

You are the God

who is there

for us

and that we may be

still and know

that you

are God

Thank you for this

time together

we do pray for those

who have lost

loved ones

in recent times

again

and pray that

your strength

and your comfort

may be a real

encouragement

to them

We give you thanks

and commit ourselves

to you

in Jesus name

Amen

!